The Drum Beats Out of Time
by xxLittle Black Dressxx
Summary: With Addison desperately fighting to save their marriage and Derek going through the motions, their relationship seems beyond repair. But when someone from their past tragically reappears in their lives, it causes old memories and feelings to resurface … and causes them to reevaluate everything.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I had planned to take a little break after finishing _Try and Catch the Wind_. But as Bizzy Montgomery says, "People plan and god laughs." So, I'm back with a new story. There's not much to say in terms of setup, just that I hope you like it, and would love to hear your thoughts. As always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

 **The Drum Beats Out of Time**

 _Secrets stolen from deep inside;  
_ _The drum beats out of time._

 _-Cyndi Lauper, "Time After Time"_

* * *

"So I was thinking, maybe tonight we could have dinner together," Addison begins as she and Derek walk into the hospital together. "I could find somewhere new … make a reservation." She looks at her husband hopefully. "We could get dressed up."

"Tonight?"

"Yeah."

"But it's a weeknight."

"So?" Addison shrugs. "That never stopped us in the past."

"Things are different now, Addison," Derek mutters, not meeting her eyes.

"I know," Addison concedes reluctantly. "I was just thinking it would be nice to have dinner together. We could talk and—"

"Talk?" Derek challenges, pinching the bridge of his nose. He feels a headache coming on.

"Yes, talk." Addison sighs. "About us. About our marriage. About—"

"It's too early in the morning for us to be having this conversation, Addison."

"You know, there was a time you could talk to me about anything," Addison says, gently running a hand up and down his bicep. "Anything at any time."

"But thigs are different now," Derek repeats, firmly pulling his arm away. "A lot has changed."

Addison sighs. "It's just dinner, Derek. I'm not asking you to forgive me completely. I was just asking you to have a meal with me."

"This isn't the time or place to get into this, Addison." He makes a vague gesture their surroundings for emphasis. "This is our place of work."

"I'm well aware of that," Addison says tightly.

"Are you?"

"I just said I was."

"Fine." Derek shakes his head in annoyance. "People around here already know way too much about our personal lives."

"And whose fault is that?" Addison challenges, jamming a hand on her hip.

"Yours, actually." Derek glares at her icily. "Before you showed up, nobody knew anything about me. I was a blank canvas, a clean slate … just a guy in a bar."

"But you're none of those things, Derek," Addison retorts. "You have a past … which let me remind you wasn't all bad."

"It wasn't all good," Derek disagrees.

Addison rolls her eyes at Derek's selective memory. "Well, I'm sorry I showed up and ruined idyllic little Seattle for you. But, seriously, Derek, what did you expect? I'm your wife."

She can't help noticing the way he cringes at her use of the word, "wife." And she can't say it doesn't hurt.

"This conversation is over," Derek says, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I told you, it's too early for this. We'll talk about it later."

Addison shakes her head sadly. She knows they won't.

"Do you want to meet for lunch then?" she ventures. "Since dinner is apparently off the table?" She knows it makes her sound desperate and pathetic. But they're supposed to be working on their marriage. And she has every intention to do so.

"I'll probably work through lunch."

Addison nods, doing her best to appear unaffected. It's hard to work on a marriage when only one person is willing to put in the work.

"Then, uh, I guess I'll see you later." She meets his eyes, search for something … anything to reassure her that she's not trying in vain. That maybe he's trying too. "Have a good day, Derek."

"You too," he says, pressing a kiss to her temple.

It's not a sweet kiss. And it's certainly not a loving kiss. It's a dutiful kiss. The kind a husband is supposed to give his wife. The kind McDreamy is supposed to give.

"Bye, Derek."

"Bye, Addison."

She watches his retreating form for a moment, and swears she detects a lightness in his step … a weight being lifted from his shoulders as he walks farther and farther away. The effects freeing himself from Satan, she thinks ruefully.

"Good morning, Dr. Bailey," Derek greets as he joins the resident by the nurses' station.

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd. You and your wife seemed … cordial this morning."

Derek shoots the resident a disapproving look. "I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey; I didn't realize my marriage concerned you."

"It doesn't," Bailey shrugs nonchalantly. "But you're making it painfully clear that you have no desire to make things work with your wife … and that has my interns running around the hospital like wild toddlers in a bouncy castle. They're unfocused and impossible to control. And it's making my job a lot harder than it needs to be. So, _that_ makes it my business."

"Excuse me, Dr. Bailey, but where do you get off saying I have no desire to make things work with Addison. Marriage is hard. And we're trying."

"No, _she's_ trying. You're going through the motions … and making googly eyes with Meredith Grey."

"I—"

"Nobody at this hospital is blind, Shepherd. You're not fooling anyone."

"You don't know the first thing about my marriage," Derek insists through gritted teeth.

"And I'd prefer to keep it that way. So, please don't make your marriage my business."

"Can we just stop talking about my marriage already?" Derek sighs in frustration. "This is supposed to be my time to get away from my marriage, away from Addison, away from—"

"And yet _you're_ the one whose still talking about your wife and your marriage," Bailey points out smugly.

"Well, now I'm done," Derek insists firmly. "You won't hear me mention Addison's name the entire morning we work together. I promise you that. I—"

"Dr. Shepherd … Dr. Bailey," Richard cuts in, the urgency in his voice evident.

"Chief," Derek greets, taking in Richard's ruffled demeanor. "Is everything alright?"

"We have a patient who was just transferred here from St. Ambrose Hospital in Los Angeles." He hands Derek a file. "Here are her latest scans."

"Wow," Derek mutters as he quickly assesses the scans. Even a brief glance at the patient's scans is enough for him to know it's serious. "The chances of survival here are …"

"Not great," Richard fills in. "I know. She does too. She's a retired doctor. She was very big in her field." He meets Derek's eyes. "And she specifically requested you, Derek."

"Me?"

"You're the best there is."

"Yeah, but …"

"You also know her."

"I do?" Derek asks in surprise.

Richard nods and hands Bailey another file. "Come with me, you two. I'll bring you to her room."

"Yes, Chief," Bailey answers dutifully as she follows behind Richard.

But Derek still has his doubts. "Richard, who's the patient?" He turns to Bailey when the chief meets his question with silence. "Dr. Bailey, do you know who it is?" He gestures to the chart in her hands. "Does it say there in those files? Come on," he persists when Bailey remains quiet. "I'll be better equipped to do my job if I know who the patient is. You should never blindside a doctor. That's med. school 101."

"Okay, we're here," the chief announces. He turns to face Derek and Bailey. "Now, I know you two know this, but this is a VIP patient. Which means I need you to act with even more discretion and professionalism than usual."

"Of course, Chief," Bailey nods.

"Good," Richard smiles. "Now, eventually, I'd like to assign an intern or two to this case. But since this is a special patient and the prognosis doesn't look good, I wanted to limit the initial consult to just the two of you. Does that make sense?"

"It does," Bailey nods.

"Good," Richard approves. "Okay, follow me."

They do as they're told and follow Richard into the room.

And as they do, Derek can't help thinking about premonitions. Sure, in the OR, he has certain rituals he refuses to deviate from; but outside of work, he doesn't consider himself a very superstitious person.

Still, there have been times in his life where he's known something big is about to happen. He felt it day he got his acceptance letter to med. school. He felt it the morning he first met Addison … the day they were paired together in gross anatomy class. And he felt it the night he came home from work and found Addison and Mark in bed together.

And he feels it now too—that weird premonition that something big is about to happen.

"Good morning," he hears Richard greet their patient cheerfully. "How are you feeling today?"

He hears the patient respond and feels his mouth go dry. He'd recognize that voice anywhere.

"This is Dr. Bailey," Richard continues. And Derek watches Bailey step forward.

It's like a horror film unfolding in front of his eyes. And all he wants to do is press the pause button … but there's no pause button in sight.

"And I think you already know Dr. Shepherd," Richard says, ripping Derek from his thoughts.

"Hi, Derek," the patient greets him with a warm smile. He remembers that smile too.

"H-hi," Derek stammers. It's all he can get out. His lips are dry. His throat is dry. Everything feels numb.

This can't be happening. This can't be true.

"Dr. Bailey," Richard prompts. "Why don't you read the chart to Dr. Shepherd?"

"Sure," Bailey nods. She clears her throat. "Dr. –"

"Stop," Derek cuts in.

"What?" Bailey asks, shooting Derek a look of confusion.

"I know."

"What?" Bailey asks again. "What do you know?"

"I know who she is … and what her prognosis is."

"Dr. Shepherd," Richard scolds. "Let Dr. Bailey read the chart."

"Yeah, come on, Derek," the patient corroborates. "It's good practice for her. And this is a teaching hospital, right?"

"Right," Derek says weakly, unable to look away from his patient … unable to believe it. He forces himself to look at the resident next to him. "Sorry, Dr. Bailey. Please continue."

Bailey nods dutifully before consulting the chart. "Dr. Viv—"

"Vivian Carlsmith," Derek cuts in, his voice choked.

"Dr. Vivian Carlsmith," Bailey echoes. "Sixty-nine years old. Grade four glioblastoma. This was discovered two days ago at St. Ambrose hospital. Initial tests have been run and scans have been taken, but no course of treatment has been determined yet." She turns to Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, what course of treatment do you suggest?"

"Course of treatment?" Vivian asks, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

"Dr. Carlsmith, significant progress is being made in this area," Richard reassures. "And Dr. Shepherd isn't going to give up without a fight." He turns to Derek. "Isn't that right, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I … yeah," Derek gulps. His heart is beating so loudly, he swears everyone in the room (and surrounding rooms) must be able to hear it.

"Dr. Shepherd," Bailey cuts in, ripping Derek from his thoughts. "What course of treatment do you recommend?"

"I," Derek stammers. His face is growing warm. He can feel beads of perspiration forming at the base of his neck. This can't be true. It can't be real.

Vivian Carlsmith … Addison's mentor. Except she's more than that to Addison. All mentors and mentees are close; but Vivian and Addison's relationship was something different. Vivian was more of a mother to Addison than Addison's own mother. She was more like family to Addison than Addison's actual family. And she was one hell of a doctor and a teacher.

He feels his throat quivering. Vivian can't be here. She can't be this sick. And she can't be relying on him to perform some type of miracle.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Bailey prompts, once again cutting into Derek's thoughts. "What do you suggest we do?"

"I, uh …" he stutters. "Dr. Bailey," he breathes, meeting her eyes and giving her a pleading look. "Get Addison."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate all the excitement you expressed about this story. I'm excited about it too! So, with that said, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"What's gotten into you, Shepherd?" Bailey demands as she drags Derek into the hallway just outside Vivian's hospital room. "Who is this patient?"

"Vivian Carlsmith," Derek answers weakly.

"Yeah, I know that. I read her chart," Bailey says, jamming a hand on her hip. "What I meant was who is she to _you_?"

Derek runs a hand through his hair, doing his best to steady himself. "She was Addison's mentor … back when we were interns and residents. And she and Addison … they were really close. There are very few people on the planet that Addison respects more than Vivian." He shakes his head sadly. "Addison's going to be devastated."

Bailey looks down at the floor sadly. She gets it. It would be like seeing the chief in that position.

"How are you doing?" she asks, taking in her distraught-looking boss.

Derek shrugs. "She's Addison's mentor, not mine. We didn't really have much of a relat—"

"Shepherd, I asked you an honest question. Give me an honest answer. How are you holding up?"

"I …" Derek trails off, his voice cracking. "Vivian came to my wedding. I've eaten countless dinners at her house. She gave me a monogrammed silver case for my business cards when I became an attending. I, uh, I still have it. I still use it." He swallows thickly. "Honestly … I'm crushed."

"I'm sorry, Derek," Bailey apologizes, her voice soft.

"I need you to get Addison," Derek says, shrugging off Bailey's apology. "She'll kill me if she finds out that I knew Vivian was here and didn't tell her right away." He turns to Bailey, his eyes pleading. "Can you get her?"

"I can get her," Bailey begins. "But I think it would be better if you got her."

"Me?" Derek asks in surprise.

Bailey nods. "You and Addison have a history. You understand her relationship with Vivian in a way that nobody else does."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Bailey frowns. "You should be the one to get Addison. And you know it."

Derek nods in concession. He knows Bailey's right. Regardless of how he feels about Addison right now, she doesn't deserve to learn that her mentor is dying from Bailey or someone else who's essentially a stranger to her.

He should be the one to tell her.

It has to be him, and he knows it. For better or for worse, they share a history. He's the only one who gets just how much Vivian means to her. Just like she's the only one who gets how much his mentor during his residency means to him.

His mentor, Edward James, became the father figure he'd been deprived for so much of his life. Addison knew this in a way nobody else did. And despite everything that had happened between him and Addison, if it were his mentor in Vivian's position, the only person he'd want to deliver the bad news to him would be Addison. Because she's the only one who truly gets it. Just like he's the only one who fully understands the gravity of this situation.

He also knows this isn't the type of information he can deliver through a text or a page. It has to be done in person.

He scours the surgical board for Addison's schedule. (Once upon a time, he didn't need to do this. He knew Addison's schedule just as well as his own.) She should be finishing up with a consult.

"Derek," she says in surprise when she passes him in the hallway.

"Addison, I need to talk to you."

"Not now," she says dismissively, clearly giving him the same indifferent treatment he'd given her earlier that morning.

"No, Addison, I need to talk to you now," Derek insists.

"I'm working now, Derek." She gives him a wry smile. "Maybe we can chat over lunch. Oh, wait," she smirks, "you were planning to work through—"

"Damn it, Addison! I'm not joking."

She swallows thickly, all hints of mockery gone from her face.

"Derek, what's wrong?" she asks, the fear in her voice evident. "Is it Amelia? Is she using again? I thought she was doing better."

"Shhh, no, it's not Amelia," Derek whispers harshly. "And keep your voice down. I don't need the entire hospital to know I have a sister who's an addict."

"Yeah, because that would be the worst thing in the world, wouldn't it, Derek? Having people know that your life isn't perfect … that you're not McDreamy."

"Well, thanks to you, I'm pretty sure that people here are well aware that my life is far from perfect."

Addison rolls her eyes. "Come on, Derek; you have a wife and a past. It was bound to come out eventually. Now, if you're finished blaming me for everything that's ever gone wrong in your life, I need to get back to work."

"No, wait, Addison," he says abruptly, remembering the _real_ reason he needs to talk to her.

Addison looks at him expectantly, and he feels his heart sink a little. Addison is about to get clobbered and she has no idea. Despite his own personal feelings toward her at the moment, he's a big enough person to acknowledge that she doesn't deserve this. No one does.

"Addison," he begins, doing his best to keep his voice calm. "I had a patient come in this morning with a grade four glioblastoma."

Addison shudders. She knows from her eleven-plus years with Derek that while this isn't necessarily a death sentence, it's a very serious diagnosis. Still, Derek has treated many patients with glioblastomas throughout his career. Why is he telling her about this one?

"We know the patient," Derek continues, answering the question she didn't ask.

She can hear his voice quivering slightly. She meets his eyes and sees they're full of sympathy.

"It's Vivian Carlsmith," he says gently. "Your mentor."

"What?" Addison breathes, involuntary moisture stinging her eyes. "No. No, that can't be right. It can't be—"

"I'm so sorry, Addison."

"No," Addison insists. "That can't be true." She looks at her husband squarely. "Derek, if this is your way of getting back at me for sleeping with Mark, it's not funny. It's not—"

"Addison," he interrupts harshly. "I would never lie about something like this. I'm mad as hell about Mark, but this isn't my idea of revenge, and you know it."

She looks at him closely and confirms her worst fear—Derek is telling the truth.

She has watched him deliver bad news several times throughout their marriage—to patients, to his family, to her. And she can tell by looking at him—at the way his eyes are sunken in and the way his jaw is trembling—that the news is taking a toll on him as well.

"What are her odds," Addison asks, a wisp of hope in her voice.

Derek shakes his head sadly. "Not good."

"No," Addison breathes. "No … there's got to be something …"

But she can't get anything else out. The only thing she can manage to do is reach her arms out desperately toward Derek.

He wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close, rubbing her back, stroking her hair.

Her legs feel shaky and she can feel her knees buckling. And she's not sure she can—or has the desire to—stand on her own. So she leans into Derek. And he supports her, holding her closer.

When someone you love is dying, rules don't exist.

In this moment it doesn't matter that their marriage is hanging on by the thinnest of threads. It doesn't matter that she betrayed him and that he's spent the better part of the last couple of months pretending she doesn't exist. In this moment, Mark is an afterthought and Meredith is just a girl he met in a bar.

The only thing that matters in this moment is him holding her close and trying to cushion the blow as her world (and admittedly his as well) comes crashing down.

He can feel her shaking. He knows she's doing everything she can not to cry. And he presses a soft kiss to her temple. Unlike this morning it's not an obligatory kiss. This time, he's kissing her because he wants to, not because he feels he needs to.

She buries her head in his neck, and he wraps his arms around her more securely.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair. "I'm really sorry."

"Can … I see her?" Addison chokes out after a moment, her voice muffled.

"Yeah," Derek says softly. "Of course."

She nods mutely, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and they make their way toward Vivian's room together in silence. Actually, he leads and she follows.

And as they walk, he can help glancing back at her.

She looks broken, devastated … completely undone. He knows better than everyone how much Vivian means to Addison, and what an influence Vivian has been in Addison's life. And he can't help thinking about that.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _I just got out of surgery with Carlsmith," Addison tells her boyfriend, her eyes shining brightly. "It was incredible. She performed a bowel reconstruction on this impossibly small preemie. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen."_

 _Derek can't help smiling at his girlfriend's enthusiasm. They've only been interns a little over a month, but it's very clear to everyone that Addison is going to specialize in neonatal. It's also clear to everyone that Addison is Vivian Carlsmith's favorite intern. Already, she's letting Addison scrub in on surgeries that second-year residents aren't scrubbing in on._

" _And Carlsmith was incredible," Addison gushes. "Calm, confident. She's so talented."_

" _Yeah," Derek nods. "She is. Tough as nails too."_

" _And she's a good teacher," Addison adds. "A really good teacher."_

 _Derek smiles and wraps an arm around his girlfriend's waist. "You remind me of her."_

 _She meets his eyes questioningly. "Really?" she asks in surprise._

" _Yeah," he answers easily. "You're brilliant and tough. And you're so patient with my sisters and nieces and nephews. I know you're going to be a great teacher."_

 _Addison blushes slightly at that. "Do I really remind you of Vivian?" she asks again._

" _You really do."_

 _A wide smile spreads across Addison's face. "That's honestly one of the best compliments you could ever pay me."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Um, this is it," Derek says quietly, as they arrive at the door to Vivian's hospital room.

Addison nods, taking everything in. "Just give me a second," she requests as she lingers outside Vivian's room. She takes a deep breath and quickly attempts to fix her hair, trying for some semblance of composure. "Okay, I'm ready," she breathes after a moment, and follows Derek into the hospital room.

"Vivian," Derek grins, using a hyper cheerful voice that Addison knows he reserves for young or very sick patients. "Look who I found."

He gestures toward Addison, and Addison watches as a wide smile spreads across Vivian's face.

She immediately rushes to her mentor's bedside. "Vivian," she says sympathetically.

"Why are you looking at me like I just killed your cat," Vivian teases. And Addison can tell she's trying to keep things light.

"How bad is it?" Addison asks in concern.

"How about you tell me?" Vivian challenges with a smile. "Derek, hand her my files."

Addison accepts the files from her husband and scans them quickly. And as her eyes roam over Vivian's latest scans, her breath catches in her throat. The prognosis looks grim.

She turns to her husband. "Derek, you've got to operate as soon as possible and get as much of the tumor as you can. Then radiation and temozolomide."

Derek nods in agreement and Vivian rewards Addison with a proud smile.

"You always were my most impressive student," she compliments. "And this isn't even your field. Although I guess you've got some inside knowledge," she amends. "You know, being married to a brain surgeon all these years."

At that, Addison and Derek stiffen, and Vivian can't help noticing the awkwardness. Her eyes travel from Addison's left hand—which is decorated with her wedding band and engagement ring—to Derek's noticeably naked left hand. And she shoots Addison a questioning look.

"Um, Derek," Vivian says when she notices Addison's discomfort. "Can you give me and Addison a minute?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," Derek nods, making his way toward the door.

Vivian waits a moment to make sure Derek is out of earshot before turning to Addison. "Okay, so what's going on with you two?"

"Vivian, that's not important right now. Let's talk about you."

"I already know everything there is to know about me," Vivian insists. "I want to hear about you. I'm worried about you, Addison."

Addison shakes her head. "You're the one in the hospital bed. Why are you worried about me?"

Vivian shrugs. "We can't fix me. We still may be able to fix you."

"Don't say that," Addison insists. "You're a fighter. And Derek's an amazing surgeon. So, no more talking like that, okay?"

"Is this the bedside manner you use with all your patients?" Vivian quips.

"No, just the ones I really like," Addison winks.

Vivian chuckles. "So … you and Derek?" she asks, growing serious.

Addison sighs. "It's a long story."

"Well, I'm not allowed to leave this room, so you have a captive audience."

"I guess that's true," Addison admits. "Okay," she sighs, "I'll start from the beginning."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I hope everyone had a nice weekend and enjoyed Easter or Passover, if you celebrate! Thanks so much for the kind feedback on the last chapter and this story so far. I really appreciate it. Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

* * *

"Wow," Vivian breathes when Addison finishes telling her the story of how she and Derek ended up in Seattle.

"I know," Addison sighs. "I'm Satan. You can say it."

"I wasn't going to say that."

"Then you can think it." Addison shakes her head sadly. "Everyone else around here does."

"Addison, you're the farthest thing from Satan," Vivian insists. "You save babies for a living."

"I also slept with my husband's best friend," Addison mutters dryly.

"And that was a mistake," Vivian concedes. "You're not a saint … I think we all can agree to that. But you're also not Satan. And putting all that Satan-talk aside … it seems like you and Derek are trying to repair your marriage."

Addison shrugs. "I'm trying." She meets her mentor's eyes. "Vivian, I'm fighting so hard for my marriage. But Derek … I think he's done fighting for us. I'm not sure he thinks there's anything left to fight for."

"And what do you think?" Vivian asks. "I've known you long enough to know that you wouldn't continue to fight unless you thought there was something to fight for." She looks at Addison closely. "Do you think there's something to fight for?"

"I do."

Vivian raises an eyebrow at Addison's use of the words, _I do_. "Marriage vows?" she teases. "I can speak to that too, you know."

Addison chuckles. She does know. And she can't help remembering.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Dr. Montgomery, can I speak with you for a moment?" Vivian asks as she, Addison, and a few other interns scrub out after their latest surgery._

" _Sure," Addison nods, turning off the faucet and drying her hands._

" _Let's talk in my office."_

 _She leaves the scrub room and Addison follows her dutifully, unsure what in the world Vivian wants to discuss with her._

" _Um, is everything alright?" Addison asks once they're in Vivian's office and the door is closed behind them._

" _I was going to ask you the same thing, actually."_

" _Excuse me?"_

" _This entire morning, you've seemed distracted, preoccupied … not like yourself. So I just wanted to make sure everything's okay."_

" _I, uh …" Addison trails off, blushing brightly._

" _I take it something's going on," Vivian assesses, watching Addison closely._

 _Addison shakes her head in embarrassment. "It's silly," she admits._

" _And yet it's affecting you," Vivian points out. "It can't be that silly."_

 _Addison sighs. She knows this isn't really the type of thing you share with your attending, but Vivian is looking at her so genuinely … like she really wants to know._

" _Derek's going to propose," Addison confides. She cringes slightly, worried that Vivian is going to lose all professional respect for her._

 _But, instead, Vivian seems interested._

" _Are congratulations in order?" she asks, still trying to understand Addison's puzzling reaction to objectively good news._

" _Not yet. He hasn't proposed yet."_

" _But you know he's going to? How—"_

" _I came home from work yesterday and overhead him practicing his proposal in our bedroom." She meets Vivian's eyes. "You can tell me if this is getting too juvenile for you."_

 _But Vivian shakes her head. "I'm intrigued. Keep going."_

 _Addison chuckles. "I pretended not to hear him. I didn't want to ruin this moment for him. But I …" she trails off hesitantly. "Bethany Wright, one of my fellow interns, was married when she started this program, and everyone refers to her as the married intern. And I … I just feel like Bethany was type-cast from the moment she started this program, and I …"_

" _You want to be recognized for your medical talents, not your marital status," Vivian fills in knowingly._

" _Exactly."_

" _Well, I don't think that's unreasonable," Vivian says. "Now, I can't speak for Bethany Wright. She's shown absolutely no interest in my specialty and acts like it's beneath her. But I can tell you what the attendings say about you." She gives Addison a small smile. "We all think you're a force to be reckoned with. You're a talented doctor and you have great instincts."_

" _Really?" Addison asks in surprise._

" _Don't let it go to your head," Vivian warns. "Do you want to know what people say about you and Derek?" she asks, her voice softening._

 _Addison nods._

" _They think the two of you could be world-class. And I agree. You're both good individually … and everyone recognizes that. But together … the two of you elevate each other … push each other to be better. There's something unstoppable … almost magical about the two of you."_

 _Addison smiles widely at that. "That's really nice to hear," she admits._

 _Vivian nods mutely. "But at the end of the day, what other people think doesn't matter. As you progress through this career, you're going to have people who recognize how talented you are, and you're going to have people who doubt you every step of the way. In the end, none of that matters" She gives Addison a small smile. "I know you're eager to please, but if you're a good doctor, it doesn't matter what people think."_

" _I guess," Addison says uncertainly, as she thinks about how hard she and Derek have been working to prove themselves to the residents and attendings at Mt. Sinai._

" _Trust me," Vivian insists. "I learned that lesson very early in life and it's served me incredibly well. Let people think what they want to think. Let them doubt, even. Your success tastes twice as sweet that way."_

 _Addison nods mutely, letting Vivian's words sink in._

" _Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's important," Vivian continues." What people are saying? Or how you're living your life and doing your job? It's up to you to decide where your values are at … where you want to invest your energy."_

" _Derek and being a good doctor," Addison answers easily._

 _In that order._

 _Of course, she doesn't say that last part out loud. But it's true. At the end of the day, she wants to be a good doctor. But her relationship with Derek matters more._

 _Vivian smiles at her warmly. "Those things seem far more important than other peoples' unsolicited opinions. So, don't worry so much about what people think or if they're type-casting you." She shakes her head in amusement. "You wouldn't believe how many naysayers I encountered on my way to where I am now. And you know what?"_

" _What?"_

" _I'm grateful for them. They only made me work harder." She looks at Addison, her eyes soft. "Did you know I was the only woman in my intern class?"_

 _Addison shakes her head. "I didn't."_

" _Well, I was. And every day, my fellow interns would ask me when I was planning to give up already and leave the program so I could get married and play house."_

" _Really?" Addison asks, disgusted._

 _Vivian nods. "I hated them for it. I still do," she admits. "But I won out in the end. I'm more successful than all of them combined."_

 _Addison smiles at that. "Has your career kept you from getting married?" she asks, growing serious. "Is marriage something you'd ever consider?"_

 _She doesn't know why she's asking Vivian this. This is the type of conversation she's supposed to have with Savvy or Naomi … not her favorite attending._

 _But to her surprise, Vivian is smiling._

" _I'd consider getting married," Vivian says, giving Addison a warm smile. "But, unlike you, I haven't found my Derek."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Am I interrupting?" Derek asks as he stands in the doorway of Vivian's hospital room.

"No," Vivian says, shaking her head. "We were just catching up."

"That's nice," Derek says stiffly, making his way toward Addison and Vivian. "Dr. Carlsmith, we want to do another brain scan. We think we can—"

"Dr. Carlsmith?" Vivian cuts in. "Derek, I know it's been a while, but you can drop the formalities. You used to eat dinner at my house all the time. We used to go out after work and drink scotch together. Don't insult me by calling me Dr. Carlsmith."

"I, uh, I'm sorry," Derek apologizes. "What I wanted to tell you is that we'd like to do another brain scan. I think we can get a clearer image of the tumor, which will give us a better understanding of what we're up against."

Vivian nods. "I'm assuming you'd like to do this as soon as possible."

"That's what we'd advise," Derek responds; and Addison can't help cringing at Derek's curtness.

"Okay," Vivian shrugs. "There's no time like the present I guess."

"Good," Derek nods, his tone stilted and formal. "I'll have Dr. Bailey come in and prep you. Do you have any questions for me?"

Vivian shakes her head. "Not at the moment."

"Okay," Derek says. "Dr. Bailey will be up here shortly."

He turns to leave and, to his surprise, finds Addison following him out.

"Derek, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks once they're in the hallway and out of Vivian's earshot.

"Can it wait, Addison?"

"It'll only take a second."

"I need to page Dr. Bailey," Derek persists. "She needs to come up here to prep Vivian for her—"

"Derek," Addison cuts in harshly.

"Addison, the sooner we can start operating on Vivian the better," retorts, clearly agitated. "I need these scans and I need them now."

"You're not operating until tomorrow at the earliest and we both know it," Addison rebuts, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at her husband. "Vivian may not have had a question for you, but _I_ do."

"And what is that, Addison?" Derek sighs.

"Why are you treating Vivian like a patient?"

Derek blinks. "Because she is one."

"That's not what I mean. You're calling her Dr. Carlsmith and you're talking to her like Dr. Shepherd … not like Derek."

"Vivian has a brain tumor. She needs Dr. Shepherd."

"She needs Derek too," Addison insists. "Look, Derek, you can be angry at me. I get it. And I deserve it. You can be indifferent to me and pretend I don't exist. But you can't do that to Vivian. She doesn't deserve that. You have to care about her."

"Is that what you think?" Derek asks in disbelief. "You think I don't care?"

Addison shrugs. "You're acting like you don't."

"Well you're wrong," Derek huffs.

"I—"

"Did you ever consider that this is hard for me too? Do you think I like seeing Vivian in this position? You're not the only one who has a relationship with her. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I have to act removed and distant … because I _do_ care? And if I allow myself to acknowledge just how much I care, I may not be able to do my job."

Addison swallows thickly. She hadn't thought of that.

"Derek, I—"

But she cuts herself off and her thoughts take over. She had thought Derek was being indifferent toward Vivian because he didn't care. When, in reality, the opposite was true.

He cared. He cared so much that he was using indifference as a defense mechanism so he didn't have to acknowledge that he cared.

And she couldn't help wondering if maybe the same was true for their marriage. She'd assumed he'd written their marriage off. But maybe that wasn't the case at all. Maybe he still cared. Maybe he's been acting indifferent so he doesn't have to acknowledge that their marriage actually meant something to him … and maybe still does.

In any case, now isn't the time to ask him this.

"I can try," Derek says, ripping her from her thoughts.

"What?" she asks in confusion.

"With Vivian," Derek explains. "From a professional standpoint, I need to keep some distance. But you're right," he admits. "She's not just a patient. And I don't want her to think I see her that way."

A small smile graces Addison's face. "Thanks, Derek."

"For what? For being a decent human being?"

Addison shrugs. "For trying."

"Since when have you ever thanked anyone for trying?" Derek chuckles. "Do. Or do not. There is no try. Right?"

"Are you quoting _Star Wars_ to me?"

"I am." He gives her a teasing smile. "I figured you'd recognize it."

"Only because of Skippy Gold."

Derek cringes slightly at Addison's mention of her high school prom date. Sure Skippy Gold is ancient history, and he and Addison were never even together. Still, Derek has never liked him.

But he refuses to let himself think about that. Not right now when he's not supposed to care about Addison.

"You sound a lot better quoting _Star Wars_ than Skippy Gold ever did," Addison compliments, making Derek smile involuntarily.

"I, um, I need to page Bailey," Derek says uncomfortably.

He can't do this with Addison … this easy, slightly flirtatious banter. This back and forth about the past and just how well they know each other.

"I need her to prep Vivian," he tells her, knowing she won't fight him on it.

Addison nods in understanding. "Can I bring you lunch?" she asks.

"No, that's okay. I'll eat afterwards."

"I'll bring you coffee then."

"Addison, I don't need coffee."

"Yes you do." She looks at him closely. "Your left eye is drooping. Let me bring you some coffee."

He silently curses her. She's absolutely right; he does need coffee. He hates that she know this about him, and he hates how tuned in she is to him—picking up on subtle things that most people would never recognize in a million years.

"No cream, no sugar," he tells her, even though he knows he technically doesn't need to.

She gives him a small smile. "You know one of the benefits of having a wife is having someone who knows all these little things about you."

And just like that, Derek feels something in him shift.

"I thought one of the benefits of having a wife is having someone who remains faithful to you," he says snidely. And he can't deny he's happy to see her flinch.

She swallows thickly. "Derek, I made a mistake. There are no two ways about it. What I did was wrong, and I'd never try to tell you otherwise."

"Well, that's big of you," he mutters sarcastically.

"You're not exactly the innocent victim here, Derek," Addison says, regaining her composure. "You might be able to convince people in Seattle that you are. But anyone who knows you … anyone who _really_ knows you, knows that isn't the case."

"Really?" Derek challenges. "Tell me, Addison, did I sleep with your best friend?"

"No, but you slept with an intern while we were still married."

"That's not the same."

"No. But it's also not as different as you seem to think it is." She rolls her eyes at him. "I don't have time for this," she says calmly as she brushes past him and makes her way back toward Vivian's room.

"So, you're just going to walk away?" Derek asks in disbelief.

She shrugs. "Why not? You do it all the time."

"So, I guess you're not getting coffee."

She laughs spitefully and gives him a haughty glare. "Get your own coffee, Honey."

He, of course, doesn't. He's too busy. And he's not about to ask an intern to get him coffee. That would be bad juju.

Still, by the time he makes it to the radiology department for Vivian's brain scan, he's exhausted. And he could really use some coffee.

He sees it out of the corner of his eye first—a cup of coffee sitting on the desk.

He doesn't have to ask where the coffee came from … or, more accurately, _who_ it came from.

But in the off chance that he wasn't sure, there's a note sitting on top of the coffee cup. He moves toward it and realizes it's not a typical note. Just a quote on a piece of paper, written in very familiar handwriting.

" _I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now."_

He recognizes the quote instantly. It's from the book, _Little Women_. But that's not where he knows it from.

It's one of Vivian's favorite quotes. One of her mantras, actually.

She always decompressed after a long surgery with a cup of coffee. It was a ritual … and the quote just fit.

After performing surgery, Vivian wasn't didn't want compliments or accolades. Just a cup of coffee and some good conversation.

He knows this. Addison, of course, knows this. She's shared several post-surgery cups of coffee with Vivian over the years.

He takes a sip of the coffee. It's just the way he likes it; and he almost hates Addison for this. For knowing him as well as she does. For reminding him just how far they go back and how much history they share.

He's so lost in his thoughts he doesn't hear her enter the room.

"I see you found the coffee," she says, her voice hesitant, as though she's waiting to see how he'll react.

"I did," he nods. "Thank you. I needed it."

She shrugs and takes a sip of her own coffee. "I thought it might be good juju," she admits, her cheeks tinging red. "I know you won't be the one taking the scans, but I just thought … it couldn't hurt."

He nods in understanding. Addison takes juju seriously. A lot of their former colleagues did. But none of them took it more seriously than Addison.

Especially with Hail Mary cases.

And he gets it. Because after being married to Addison for eleven-plus years, he knows how her mind works. She hates when she can't control things. And drinking juju before a big surgery or procedure (or after an unsuccessful one) gives her a sense of control, even if it's an artificial sense of control.

He thinks about Vivian. And Addison. And how hard it must be for her to see her mentor in this position. And how, right now, nothing's in her control.

And, again, something in him shifts. But this time it's different. He finds himself softening toward her.

"I wish I could tell you everything's going to be okay," he admits.

He means it too.

"I wish you could too." She runs a hand through her hair and meets his eyes. "But since you can't, I was, uh, wondering … could you sit here with me until they bring Vivian in? We don't have to talk," she adds quickly.

He nods mutely, and takes a seat, motioning for her to sit down next to him.

Technically, he still needs to get a couple of things done before Vivian's brain scan. He has excuses—valid ones—not to sit with Addison. To leave her here by herself.

But he can't bring himself to do that. He's furious with her, sure. And he hasn't forgiven her; he's nowhere close to that. And he still has work to do.

But right now, those things don't matter. He knows that as bad as things are between him and Addison, there's only one place he should be right now—and to his surprise, only one place he wants to be—sitting next to her, drinking coffee.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm sorry it took a while for me to get this chapter up. I was on vacation and then when I came back, things were kind of hectic. In any case, I hope people are still interested in this story. The next chapter is a long-ish one. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

This is the part of his job that Derek hates. Delivering bad news. It never gets easier. He and Addison used to reflect on that all the time. The surgeries become more routine over time. But delivering bad news is always hard. And delivering bad news to someone he cares about is nearly impossible.

And yet that's the task at hand.

He lingers in the doorway of Vivian's hospital room. She's sitting up in bed and she and Addison are deep in conversation.

He clears his throat trying to get their attention.

"I, uh," Derek stammers when both of them meet his eyes. They're looking at him so intently, it makes something in the pit of his stomach hurt.

"Derek," Vivian says, breaking the silence. "I seriously hope you don't play poker. Because you're a very easy read."

"I, um, just got the results of your scans. I'm so sorry, Vivian," he apologizes. "The tumor is aggressive … which we knew. What this scans revealed is that it's positioned in a way that's going to make it very difficult for me to remove."

Vivian nods in understanding. Addison, on the other hand, looks crushed.

"And if there are complications when we remove the tumor, it could cause brain damage or paralysis." He meets Vivian's eyes. "It could be fatal."

"And if you don't remove it?" Vivian asks, her voice calm.

Derek sighs. "Then we're looking at a few weeks. A couple of months, tops."

And if you remove the tumor successfully?" Addison asks shakily. He can tell she's fighting back tears.

Derek swallows thickly. "It's unknown. But we'd likely be looking at some more time." He looks at Vivian apologetically. "I know this is a lot to take in. And it's a big decision, so take some time and—"

"I don't need time," Vivian cuts in.

Addison looks at her mentor in surprise. But maybe she shouldn't have been so stunned. So much of Vivian's professional life revolved around making quick decisions under pressure. And Vivian had always been great at it. Still, this was different.

"I've lived a good life," Vivian begins. "I've had a successful career. I've made a name for myself." She looks over at Addison and smiles. "I've mentored brilliant students who are doing brilliant things and who are going to continue to do brilliant things."

Addison can feel the moisture stinging her eyes. She can feel the raw, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"The thing is," Vivian continues, ripping Addison from her thoughts. "I'm a fighter. Always have been. I've fought for everything. And I'd like to try to fight this too."

At that, Addison finds herself somewhere between a smile and tears. And Derek nods approvingly.

"Then I'll schedule your surgery for first thing tomorrow morning," he says. He gives Vivian a small smile. "You should get some rest. Actually, we all should."

Addison nods in agreement and wraps her arms around her mentor. "Can I bring you something for dinner? I don't want you eating hospital food."

 _Hospital food kills_. That's what they used to joke. Only now it doesn't seem so funny.

A small smile spreads across Vivian's face. "You two are the experts when it comes to food around here. What's good in Seattle?"

Addison looks at her husband questioningly. "What do you think, Derek?"

He should have an answer. He's been in Seattle longer than she has. But he can't think of a single restaurant. Except Joe's bar … and that doesn't count.

In New York, he and Addison had favorite restaurants. Their regular haunts. Having go-to restaurants is part of what makes a place home.

But he doesn't have go-to restaurants in Seattle. And he's not sure he's ready to address why that is.

Maybe he never had any intention of making Seattle home in the way New York was. Maybe Seattle was only meant to be a temporary escape.

In any case, now isn't the time to think about this. He needs to give Vivian an answer and he doesn't have one. So he does what he was taught to do at conferences when someone asks a question and he doesn't have an answer … he strategically pivots

"You're the expert when it comes to food and drinks," he tells Vivian with a smile. "Especially drinks."

A small chuckle escapes Vivian's throat. "You remember that?" she asks, clearly touched.

"Of course I do."

How could he not.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Are those seats taken?" Derek asks Vivian, gesturing to the two empty bar stools next to her._

 _Vivian shakes her head no. "They're all yours," she tells him as he sits down next to her. "Are you meeting Addison?"_

 _He nods. "She had some paperwork to fill out, so I figured I'd get a head start and stake out some seats."_

" _What can I get you to drink," Phil, the bartender, asks as he sidles up to Derek._

" _I'll have a beer, please."_

" _No, he won't."_

 _Derek looks at Vivian in confusion. "I'm sorry, but …?"_

" _Doctors don't drink beer," Vivian explains. "Get a scotch."_

" _I'm not much of a scotch drinker."_

" _That's probably because you've never had the good stuff."_

" _That's true. But, uh, I'm trying to save some money," Derek admits, thinking about his recent big purchase—Addison's engagement ring._

" _This one's on me." She turns to Phil. "Please bring Dr. Shepherd a single malt scotch. And put it on my tab."_

" _Dr. Carlsmith, you don't need to—"_

" _I know I don't need to." She gives him a warm smile. "I want to."_

" _Thank you," Derek says sincerely._

" _My pleasure," she smiles. She gives Phil a quiet 'thank you' when he returns with Derek's scotch, and raises her own glass of scotch in his direction. "Cheers."_

" _Cheers," Derek smiles, taking a sip of his scotch._

" _So …?" Vivian trails off, watching Derek closely._

 _Derek grins widely. "This is good. This is really good."_

" _Better than beer?"_

" _Much better."_

" _To more single malt scotches in the future, then" Vivian smiles, raising her glass again._

 _Derek chuckles and taps his tumbler against hers. "I'll happily drink to that."_

 _And as they drink together in silence, Derek can't help thinking about how nice it is to get a glimpse of the Vivian that Addison knows. He knows Vivian, the doctor—which in and of itself is a huge honor. But Addison knows Vivian the doctor, the mentor, and the person._

" _Just so you know, Dr. Shepherd," Vivian begins, cutting into Derek's thoughts. "This scotch isn't free."_

 _Derek looks at Vivian in confusion. "What do you mean? How much do I owe you?"_

" _Nothing now." Vivian gives him a warm smile. "But when you land your first attending job, I expect you to pay me back by taking me out for a glass of scotch."_

 _A wide smile forms across Derek's face. "Deal."_

" _Good," Vivian beams. "I look forward to it."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Addison wasn't there a restaurant you had in mind for tonight?"

"Um, yeah," Addison stammers. In all honesty, she's surprised Derek had been listening. "It's an Italian place. I'm sure they do takeout."

"Italian sounds great," Vivian approves.

"Are you sure?" Addison asks. "Because I could get you something else."

"I see you're still as eager to please as ever," Vivian chuckles. "Italian food sounds perfect," she tells Addison sincerely.

Addison gives Vivian a warm smile and turns to leave her room, and to her surprise, Derek follows her out.

"What are you doing?" she asks her husband in confusion.

"Going with you."

"Derek, you don't have to. I'm sure you have lots of work to catch up on."

"I could use a break from the hospital," he admits. "And it's a little embarrassing that when Vivian asked me for a restaurant recommendation, I couldn't come up with a single place. And you wanted to try this restaurant, so let's check it out."

Addison nods mutely, trying not to read too much into her husband's use of the word, _let's_.

Let's. Let us. _Us_ , together. She can't remember the last time he used that word to talk about them.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks when he sees her looking at him strangely.

"I, uh, yeah," she stammers. A small smile graces her features. "Let's go."

They return forty minutes later with essentially every item on the menu. Addison wanted Vivian to have options. And Derek gets it. She can't be the one to operate on Vivian. She can't be the one to save her life. So, she's helping in whatever way she can.

They're making their way through the hospital lobby to head home for the evening when some gossiping amongst the interns stops them cold.

"I was supposed to be with Shepherd today," they hear George complain. "And he was nowhere to be found. So, I ended up stuck in the pit all day long."

"The same thing happened to me, "Izzie piped up. "But with Montgomery-Shepherd. I was supposed to be on her service today, but I got reassigned."

"I heard Shepherd has a VIP patient," Cristina comments. "And that's where he was."

"That doesn't explain where Addison was," Meredith points out.

"Don't get your hopes up, Mer," Cristina chuckles. "She-Shepherd's still in town. Word on the street is she's somehow connected to Shepherd's case."

"I wonder who the VIP patient is," George muses.

"You shouldn't," Cristina advises. "You need to remain detached. Bambi, in this job, caring kills."

"I don't think it really matters," Alex shrugs nonchalantly. "From what I've heard, the patient's a goner. It's just a matter of time."

At that, Derek feels every muscle in his body tense up. He looks over at his wife. Her jaw is clenched, her eyes are flashing angrily. She looks as though she's ready to pounce.

And without exchanging a word, the Shepherds storm toward the interns, matching each other angry step for angry step. The sharp clacking of her heels is a dead giveaway of just how furious she is.

She opens her mouth to speak, but he's faster.

"Doctors," he greets, his voice dripping with condescension. "When I was an intern, I was so focused on doing my job and learning as much as I could that I didn't have time to gossip like a sixteen-year-old girl. And if I did, it meant that I wasn't working hard enough. _And_ if, for some reason, I were going to gossip about people, I'd make damn sure that they weren't in earshot, overhearing every word I was saying. So—"

"Dr. Shepherd," Izzie cuts in, "We're—"

"Get out of my sight now," Derek interrupts. "I don't want your apologies. And if I ever hear you gossiping about that patient again, I'll make sure that none of you ever see the inside of an OR. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Sir," George answers meekly.

"Good. Now get out of my sight … all of you."

"Not so fast, Karev," Addison cuts in as the interns begin to disperse. "I just want you to know that I'm going to talk to Dr. Bailey tomorrow about assigning you to my service full time."

"What?" Alex snaps. "Why?"

Addison eyes him critically. "Don't act so disappointed. Most people would be chomping at the bit to work with a surgeon like me."

"Yeah, well, no disrespect, but I don't do vagina. Not professionally, anyway."

"Addie," Derek cuts in gently. "Maybe you shouldn't—"

"I'll see you tomorrow for your first day on my service," Addison interrupts. She chuckles wryly. "And from the looks of it, it's going to be the first day of many."

"What?" Alex demands angrily. "How many?"

"Let's just say your ass is mine until I say otherwise."

With that, she stalks away, and Derek has to break into a light jog to keep up with her.

They're quiet for the first half of the drive home.

"You're going to regret assigning Karev to your service," Derek finally says, daring to break the silence.

"Maybe."

"You will, Addison. Karev's arrogant and disrespectful. You don't need this right now."

"Maybe this is exactly what I need right now."

"Come on, Addison, you and I both know you lashed out at Karev because you're upset about Vivian."

Addison looks at her husband closely. "Is that what you think?"

"Addie, the things Karev said were cruel and insensitive. Are you really going to tell me that your reaction had nothing to do with Vivian?"

"No, it had everything to do with Vivian."

"Exactly. You're punishing Karev."

"You think I'm putting him on my service to punish him?"

"I'm not saying you're wrong to do it."

"I'm not punishing him, Derek." She runs a hand through her hair. "I had an incredible teacher, who believed in me and pushed me to be better. I don't think Karev has ever had that."

Derek swallows thickly. Addison has always been compassionate, but this move surprises him.

"Yeah, but Karev is rude and disrespectful and has no regard for authority," Derek challenges. "Do you really think he deserves a mentor who takes that kind of interest in him?"

"As much as any of the other interns do. Maybe more. He doesn't have a brand name education, like Yang, or a famous surgeon mommy, like Grey. These things open up doors that aren't necessarily open to most people."

"Are you saying that Meredith only got into the program because her mother is Ellis Grey?" Derek asks, a hint of anger clear in his voice.

"I'm not saying that," she says, holding her hands up in protest. "But I'm also saying it doesn't hurt."

Derek nods in concession. He's been in the field long enough to know that while being a legacy doesn't guarantee anything, it certainly never hurts.

He knows Addison is right, and he kind of hates her for it … for seeing the complexities and nuances in what Meredith describes (and maybe oversimplifies) as mommy issues. He realizes that up until this point his perception of Ellis Grey has been shaped wholly and entirely by Meredith. And he never questioned it. But with one offhand comment, Addison has challenged the narrative.

He has a feeling that if he continues down this path, it'll be like pulling at a loose thread on a sweater. Tugging at it will cause the whole thing to unravel.

He doesn't want to do that. He's not ready to do that. So he changes the topic.

"You're really going to mentor Karev?" he asks his wife again.

"I'm going to give him the opportunity to learn."

Derek briefly glances from the road to Addison. "You always root for the underdog."

"I guess."

"I like that about you."

The words tumble from his mouth before he has time to think about what he's saying. Sure, it's true. But he's not sure he's ready to admit something like that to her just yet.

He parks the car and they walk to the trailer in silence. And she robotically starts setting the table for dinner.

"You should eat something, Derek," she says, gesturing to the takeout they just picked up. "You have a big day tomorrow."

"You should eat too," he tells her. "You hardly ate anything today."

She nods in agreement and they sit down at the table across from each other and attempt to eat.

"I'm not hungry," she admits as she pushes the food around on her plate.

Derek nods in agreement. And she can tell from the way he's playing with his food that he doesn't have much of an appetite either.

Addison swallows thickly. She still can't wrap her head around everything that's happening. People like Vivian aren't supposed to get sick.

"I know it's stupid," she admits as she continues to poke at her food. "But I always kind of assumed Vivian would live forever."

Derek sighs sadly. It's not stupid. Nonsensical, yes. But he understands where she's coming from.

He meets her eyes. "I get it."

"I'm scared, Derek," she confides, her voice raw and vulnerable.

He watches as she stands up from the table and starts clearing away the uneaten food. He knows she's trying to keep busy. Trying not to get overwhelmed by everything that's happening.

He wishes he didn't know this about her. But he does. When you spend eleven-plus years with someone you can't help knowing these things.

He, too, stands up and moves toward her, pulling her into his arms. He can feel her body tense in surprise; but she puts down the plate in her hand and relaxes into him, letting him hold her.

"I'm scared too," he admits, turning her chin upward so he can meet her eyes. He wraps his arms around her more securely, unsure if he's trying to comfort her of himself.

"If tomorrow doesn't go well and I … If I … I could paralyze her, Addison. Or kill her." He sighs heavily. "I could never forgive myself for that."

She shakes her head. "That's not going to happen, Derek." She leads him over to the bed and they both sit down. "You're an amazing doctor."

"Even the best doctors mess up."

"Not you. Not tomorrow." She meets his eyes. "I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to be a god in there."

"Addie, I—"

"Just for one day, okay? Just this one—"

The next thing she knows his lips are on hers. She doesn't know which one of them initiated the kiss, but she does know that she has no intention of being the one to stop it.

He pulls back, breathing hard, uncertainties swimming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she breathes. Though she's not entirely sure why she's apologizing for kissing her husband. "I just … I'm sorry."

He meets her eyes and gives her a small smile. "I'm not."

"Really?" she whispers.

"Really."

She gives him a slight smile. "I'm not sorry either."

He gently cups her cheek and presses his lips to hers, kissing her softly … deliberately.

It's more than she can take. Right now, she can't do soft. And she can't do gentle. Not with her world imploding the way it is.

And with Derek's lips on hers, something finally feels right.

So she wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him on top of her as she kisses him deeply. He responds in kind, kissing her heatedly and flipping them over so she's on top.

She wastes no time taking off her shirt and he helps her scramble out of her skirt before they hastily move on to discarding his clothes.

Again, he flips them over and pins her against the bed with his hips.

Neither should be surprised by this turn of events. She's devastated. He needs to perform a miracle. And they both turn to sex when they're upset or stressed. (Although she'd be the only one to admit to it).

And in this new world they've suddenly found themselves in where everything has changed and nothing makes sense, they're clinging to some semblance of familiarity … however convoluted and messed up it may be.

But maybe it's not messed up at all. Because right now, they both feel good.

And it's not the type of feeling they could get from being with anyone else. It's something deeper, more intimate. It's being with the one person who knows you inside and out … the one person who truly understands you.

She's half tempted to say something to him … to prompt a conversation that they desperately need to have. But she's afraid if she says something, he might stop. And she doesn't want him to stop.

So she arches her neck back and gives herself permission to lose herself in the things he's currently doing to her with his tongue.

They know what they're doing tonight will likely confuse things further for them. And things are already confusing enough. But that doesn't stop them. What they're doing tonight may not be the wise thing to do or the mature, adult thing to do … but right now, it's exactly what they need.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate it and love hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And, as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Have a great weekend!

* * *

"This doesn't change anything," Derek mutters as he and Addison drive to the hospital the next morning. "What happened last night doesn't change anything between us."

"Honey, you're going to cut into my mentor's skull in a few hours. The last thing I'm thinking about right now is us."

"Did you just call me honey?" Derek asks. He's not angry. In fact, there's a hint of levity in his voice.

Addison isn't surprised by this. Derek prepares for surgeries by relaxing. He cracks jokes and keeps things light. Even his pre-surgery mantra— _It's a beautiful day to save lives; let's have some fun_ —is a pretty relaxed take on what's about to happen.

"Addison?" Derek prompts when she meets his question with silence.

"Yeah, Babe, I called you honey."

She has a part to play in all this as well. She teases him back—keeps him relaxed.

He chuckles to himself and she swallows roughly. If he weren't about to operate on Vivian, none of this would be funny. But Vivian being here has flipped everything on its head, making her already complicated relationship with Derek even more confusing.

"Addie?"

She looks up in surprise.

"We're here," Derek says, cocking his head toward the hospital.

"Oh," she blushes in embarrassment. "I guess I'm a little distracted." She gives him a teasing smile as they make their way out of the car. "Better me than you," she shrugs as she tentatively reaches for his hand. He accepts it and she squeezes his hand reassuringly. They both need the comfort and she knows it.

"Don't squeeze too tight," he warns, his voice still light. "I've got to protect this two-million-dollar-a-year-hand."

She looks at him questioningly. "Two million?"

He nods and tinges red. He took a pay cut when he came out here. He rationalized it to himself by saying he's not materialistic like that, and he already has more money than he ever needs. He also reminded himself that his cost of living is much cheaper in Seattle—he lives in a trailer, after all.

These rationalizations help. Still, he knows the real reason he's making less than he did in New York. Addison. They've always used each other as leverage when negotiating salaries. And it has always worked out in their favor. But in Seattle, it was just him negotiating for himself. And apparently he's not as valuable without Addison.

She gently squeezes his hand, ripping him from his thoughts.

"Just so you know, Derek, I think you're worth more."

He swallows roughly at her compliment. "I intend to prove it today." He squeezes her hand back. "Let's go see Vivian."

They find Vivian sitting up in bed when they reach her room.

"Good morning, Vivian," Derek smiles. "How are you doing?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" Vivian challenges.

Derek chuckles. "I feel good."

"Good," Vivian smiles. "So do I." She turns to Addison. "How are you holding up?"

"Me?" Addison asks in surprise. "I don't matter, right now."

"You always matter," Vivian disagrees.

"I'm not operating or being operated on," Addison rebuts.

"True," Vivian concedes. "And sometimes that's harder."

Addison nods mutely. Vivian has a point. Addison has no influence over the situation whatsoever, and it's eating her up inside.

"You're in the best hands possible," she reminds her mentor, giving Derek a small smile. "And you're a fighter, Vivian. So, I'm not worried."

"I sincerely hope you don't play poker," Vivian teases, and Derek can't help chuckling.

"I'm not as worried as I could be," Addison amends. If Vivian is keeping things light and Derek is keeping things light, the least she can do is play along.

But that ends quickly.

"Vivian, we need to start prepping you for surgery."

And the mood in the room instantly shifts. Things are about to get real.

Addison turns to her mentor. "I could stay with you."

But Vivian waves her off. "I'm going to be fine. Go. Practice medicine. Teach medicine."

"I guess I should find, Karev."

"Your protégé?" Vivian asks with interest.

Addison and Derek both laugh at that.

"Addison has decided to take a special interest in teaching our most disrespectful intern," Derek explains.

"It's not a special interest," Addison defends. "I just want him to have the same chance to prove himself that everyone else has. And I don't think he's been given that chance."

Vivian smiles at Addison warmly. "Well, I look forward to hearing all about this … after my surgery."

Addison smiles at her mentor and wraps her arms around her. "I look forward to telling you about it." She squeezes Vivian's arm reassuringly. "I'll see you in a little bit."

"See you soon, Addison," Vivian responds fondly. She watches Addison's retreating form and turns to Derek. "She's a force to be reckoned with, isn't she?" she says proudly.

"She's done well for herself," Derek says with a noncommittal shrug.

"Derek," Vivian says, suddenly growing serious. She can hear the disengagement in Derek's voice, and what she has to tell him is important, and she needs him to listen. "Just in case something happens to me today, I need you to do something for me."

"Nothing's going to happen to you."

"Derek, please."

"Okay."

"Can you make sure Addison knows how proud I am of her? And how much I respect the doctor and person she's become? It's important to me that she knows that. So, if I don't … if something happens to me in there today, can you tell her?"

Derek pinches the bridge of his nose, surprised by the rush of emotions that are overtaking him. He knows how much Vivian means to Addison. But maybe he took for granted just how much Addison means to Vivian.

And hearing Vivian speak about Addison the way she just did is giving him pause. He has his own justifiable reasons for hating Addison right now. But maybe buried deep within the woman he's so intent on hating is the woman Vivian is talking about. The woman he used to love more than anything. The woman who had the power to make his world stop turning.

"Derek," Vivian pleads. "Will you tell her? If something happens to me, will you tell her?"

"Yeah," Derek says softly, meeting Vivian's eyes. "I'll tell her."

A look of relief washes over Vivian's face. "Thank you."

Derek swallows thickly, determined to lighten the mood. "You know, I think Addison's going to get through to that intern she was telling you about."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, this intern is more disrespectful than Grant Kensington from my intern class. But I don't know; my money's on Addie."

Vivian chuckles. "I don't remember Grant being disrespectful."

"Well maybe just to me," Derek amends. "He had a huge crush on Addison. So, naturally, he hated me."

"That part I remember perfectly," Vivian laughs. "Addison couldn't stand him."

"Neither could I." He shakes his head. "What kind of name is Grant anyway? I'll tell you," he says dryly. "It's the name of the type of person my mother-in-law would like."

Vivian can't help smiling. Derek's jealousy and him referring to Addison's mother as _his mother-in-law_ , instead of _Addison's mother_ seems like a pretty clear indication that he hasn't fully given up on his marriage.

"What?" Derek asks in confusion when he sees the Cheshire cat grin on Vivian's face. "What's so funny?"

Vivian shrugs. "Nothing. It's just nice reminiscing. I haven't thought about Addison's mother in decades."

Derek laughs heartily at that. "Trust me, Vivian," he smiles. "That's a good thing."

xxxxx

She feels a little uneasy leaving Vivian, but deep down she knows it's the right thing to do. And with that in mind, she hurries toward the nurses' station where Bailey is in the middle of handing out assignments to the interns.

"Excuse me, Dr. Bailey," she cuts in. "But I would like Karev on my service today."

"Noted. Karev," Bailey says, turning to her intern. "You're with Montgomery-Shepherd."

"But you just assigned me to Burke," Alex complains. "Are you really going to let her push you around like this?"

Bailey shrugs. "She outranks me. If she wants you on her service, that's where you're going to be." She turns to George. "O'Malley, switch with Karev."

Alex turns to Addison and rolls his eyes. "I hope you're happy."

"Happy?" She raises an eyebrow. "Not particularly. Satisfied? Yeah, kind of."

Alex exhales dramatically. "So what type of excitement do we have awaiting us today?" he asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I don't have anything scheduled."

"You mean you don't have anything exciting scheduled, right?"

"Cute," Addison mutters dryly. "No, Karev," she says more authoritatively. "I don't have anything scheduled for today. I cleared my schedule."

"Then why do you need me? I could actually be learning something, you know."

"Don't worry, Karev, you'll learn something. Follow me."

He begrudgingly agrees, and after a few minutes of walking, she opens the door to the observation gallery over one of the ORs.

"What are we …?" But he cuts himself off as doctors and nurses start filing into the OR. "Is that Shepherd's VIP patient?"

"It is."

"But I thought they weren't letting people observe."

"For the most part, they're not." She motions around them. "It's just you and me up here."

"Let me get this straight, you cancelled your entire day just so you could watch your husband operate?" He looks at her pointedly. "Look, I get that you're trying to fix your marriage, but this seems desperate and needy and like a waste of everyone's time, and—"

"Karev, the woman lying on that operating table down there is my mentor, Vivian Carlsmith. Look her up," Addison advises. "She contributed a lot to my field." She sighs sadly. "Vivian has a grade four gioblastoma. Which is …?" she asks, looking at Alex expectantly.

"I, uh …"

"Come on, Karev," Addison says impatiently. "I know you know this."

"It's, uh, a really aggressive, fast-spreading tumor."

Addison nods. "What are the early symptoms associated with it?"

"Uh, headaches, vomiting, and seizures."

"Good. And the prognosis?"

Alex shakes his head sadly, his eyes uncharacteristically sympathetic. "I, um …"

She can see he's struggling. But it's not because he doesn't know the answer.

"Karev, for just a moment, pretend that I don't know and love that woman down the on the operating table." She meets his eyes. "What's the prognosis?"

Alex swallows roughly. "Untreated … a couple of weeks. With treatment … maybe a couple of years. It depends."

"Very good," Addison approves. "Okay, I think that's enough questions for now."

"Um, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, should we be in here?"

Addison arches an eyebrow. "Since when do you care about following the rules?"

"I don't. I just—"

"I need to make sure everything goes okay down there," Addison admits vulnerably. "And you need to learn something," she says more authoritatively. "And this is a good surgery for you to learn from. But if you want to go, then you should go. You can ask Bailey to reassign you."

"Nah," Alex says, sitting down next to her. "I think I'm good here. What did you say your mentor's name is again?"

"Vivian," Addison breathes, a slight smile coming to her face. "Vivian Carlsmith."

Alex nods, committing the name to memory. "Hey, it looks like they're about to get started down there."

Addison instinctively stands and makes her way toward the observation glass to get a better view. She looks at Derek. He seems as cool and confident as ever. And she can't help breathing a sigh of relief.

Still, something's wrong.

"Say it, Derek," she pleads quietly. "Please say it."

And then he does.

"Okay, everybody; it's a beautiful day to save lives."

She breathes another sigh of relief and watches as Derek gets to work. His hands move in a practiced, rhythmic fashion that's so familiar to her. She has watched him perform so many surgeries over the years that she has memorized his surgical mannerisms. She knows them almost as well as she knows her own. And she almost can't remember a time when she didn't.

But, still, she remembers.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _What are you doing up here by yourself?"_

 _Addison turns in surprise to see Vivian standing beside her in the observation gallery._

" _It's Derek's first solo surgery," she explains. She points down to the OR below where everything is being set up. "He came to my first solo surgery. I really want to be here for his."_

 _Vivian gives her a warm smile. "Do you mind if I join you?"_

" _No, not at all."_

 _She sits down and Vivian sits down next to her._

" _What's the surgery?" Vivian asks, peering down at the OR._

" _Benign brain tumor in an otherwise healthy patient. It should be pretty straight-forward."_

" _Oh." Vivian squints to better see what's happening in the OR below. "Derek seems relaxed."_

 _A proud smile spreads across Addison's face. "He does," she agrees, dividing her attention between Derek and Vivian._

 _They're about to get started in the OR, and Vivian turns the speakers in the gallery up so she and Addison can better hear what's happening below them._

 _And Addison can't help smiling when Derek's mentor, Edward, turns to him._

" _Do you have a pre-surgery mantra?" he asks Derek._

" _A mantra?"_

 _Edward nods. "Yeah. Like mine is 'Do good, be great.' I say it before every surgery. It establishes a routine."_

" _Oh." Derek pauses for a moment as he wracks his brain. After a moment, a small smile forms on his face. "It's a beautiful day to save lives."_

" _Well, okay," Edward grins. "Let's have some fun."_

 _From there, everything just happens. Derek makes a textbook incision. It's surgical perfection._

" _Would you look at that?" Vivian murmurs as Derek extracts the tumor._

 _But Addison is more focused on Derek and the deliberate way his hands are moving, and that adorable look he has when he's concentrating really hard on something._

" _He's good," Vivian approves. "Excellent technique and a very steady hand."_

 _Addison smiles widely as she watches Derek close the incision. If possible, she loves him more than she already does. Of course, their relationship cuts much deeper than their professional lives. But at the same time, they're so enmeshed in each other's careers she can't help celebrating his success—and she feels happy to be a part of it._

" _He did so well," Addison beams tearing her eyes away from Derek to look at Vivian._

" _He did," Vivian agrees. "He's very impressive." She gives Addison a smile. "But he'd have to be to keep up with you."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Wow," Alex breathes. "That was so cool."

Addison nods in agreement, her eyes focused on Derek, who's making his final sutures. He really had been amazing in there. It had been a very difficult surgery, and Derek had made it look easy.

"So, everything went okay?" Alex asks. "No complications?"

Addison looks down. Derek is smiling widely. Doctors and nurses are congratulating him on a successful surgery.

"Yeah," she says, smiling at her husband proudly. "So far, so good." She turns to Alex. "What should the next course of action be?"

"Uh, I guess we've got to see how Vivian responds to the surgery. But probably radiation and chemotherapy."

"Temozolomide," Addison clarifies. "But, yes, essentially. Very good, Karev." She runs a hand through her hair. "I think that's enough for today. Let's go to Bailey and see if you can spend the rest of the day with Burke."

He nods and they set off to find Bailey. Once that's set up, Addison rushes to the hospital cafeteria to get Derek a celebratory cup of juju. It's better than the stuff they serve at the coffee cart, and today Derek deserves the best.

She's in such a hurry to get to her husband, she almost misses it at first. The interns are eating lunch together, like they always do, but Karev is noticeably missing.

She spots him sitting alone a few tables away, engrossed in whatever he's reading. And as Addison walks closer, she sees he's reading an old medical journal.

"Let me guess," she smirks, gesturing to the paper he's reading. "Plastics."

He shakes his head. "I looked up your mentor. This is her article on a TTTS case she performed." He gives her a wry smile. "Your name's on the paper too."

"We co-wrote it." She looks down at her hands. "It was the first paper I ever had my name on."

"Seems like a good one … you know, considering it's gyne and all."

Addison shakes her head, half amused, half annoyed. "Happy reading, Karev."

"I'm still not interested in your field," Alex insists. "I'm just being a good student. You told me to look Vivian up, so I did."

"You didn't have to read her article," Addison pointed out. "I never told you to do that."

"Well, I, uh, I'm just skimming it … to decide if it's worth reading."

"I assure you it is. And reading it will certainly be time well spent." She taps the table and sets of in search of her husband.

She finds him in his office sitting at his desk.

"Hey, she smiles, lingering in the doorway. "Derek, you were—"

"I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now," he grins, gesturing to the coffee cup in her hand.

"I'm going to give you both." She walks toward him and hands him the coffee. "Derek, you were amazing. You walked on water, you slew dragons. You … were a god in there."

A wide smile spreads across Derek's face. "Vivian seems to be recovering well. We still have some time before the anesthesia wears off, but I'm—"

But she cuts him off with a kiss—hard and fierce. It's her way of dealing with everything that's going on. It's memories of his first-ever surgery. And it's the successful surgery that he just pulled off. It's all those nights they spent studying together, supporting each other on their quest to be the best. It's shared hopes and dreams—both professional and personal. And it's the harsh acknowledgement that while they've achieved many of their professional aspirations, many of their personal ones may go unrealized.

It's … Derek pulling back, looking at her in confusion.

"I … I meant to say thank you," Addison whispers. "I …"

This time, it's him who cuts her off by crashing his lips against hers—just as roughly. After all, they've always been equals in every way.

It's him coping with everything that's going on. It's memories of being interns and residents. It's the way Grant Kensington still has the ability to get under his skin. It's the look of gratitude in Addison's eyes, and her decision to give Karev the chance that admittedly no one else has.

This time, she's the one pulling back in confusion. She's breathing hard; her eyes are swimming with uncertainties.

"I was, uh, I meant to say you're welcome."

She smiles and her lips are back on his. She feels herself relax when he responds and she pulls him in closer and deepens the kiss. He runs his hands through her hair as he continues to assault her lips.

This feels right. She can't help thinking it. And neither can he.

But then he hears her raspy gasp … feels her hot breath against his skin. It used to drive him wild. But now another image comes to his mind—her raspy breath in Mark's ear … and worse.

He pulls back suddenly and she looks at him in confusion, lips swollen and still breathing heavily.

"We … shouldn't do this," he says shakily. His lips are still stinging. His nerves are still standing on end.

"But … why?" She licks her lips. "Derek, please—"

"I—I have to go."

He can't do this with her. She betrayed him in the worst way. He can't just fall into her arms when he's stressed or upset … or worst of all, because he misses her.

"I need to fill out Vivian's post ops," he says, doing everything to ignore the hurt in her eyes.

"Can't a resident—"

"I don't trust a resident with a case like this."

Addison nods mutely, the hurt in her eyes still painfully clear.

He clears his throat uncomfortably. "I'll, uh, I'll see you later, Addison."

Space is good. Space from her is what he needs. His brain knows that. But apparently his big mouth doesn't.

"Come with me."

The words tumble from his mouth before his brain has time to catch up.

Addison looks at him in confusion. "What?"

And to his surprise, he finds himself doubling down.

"Come with me," he repeats. "I know post ops aren't the most riveting thing in the world, but they always used to be better when you were there. So, come with me." He gives her a small smile. "I'd like it if you came with me. And then we can check on Vivian together."

A hesitant smile crosses her face. "Okay."

She's trying to hide her surprise, but she's not fooling him—she's almost as surprised as he is.

He knows he should have walked away. It's what he does best.

But it's too late for that.

So, against his better judgement, he follows her out of his office, and they make their way through the hospital hallways—together.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you for the kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"She's stirring." Addison motions toward Vivian, who's lying in the hospital bed with her eyes closed. "She's waking up."

Derek halfheartedly looks over. Addison has insisted that she has seen Vivian move at least five times over the past hour—and each time she has been wrong—which communicates loud and clear that Addison is worried.

It doesn't matter that Addison is a doctor who watches people come off anesthesia several times a day. In this situation, she's not a doctor. She's a person who's very concerned about her mentor.

He, of course, is straddling the line—one foot in both camps. He's a medical professional and Vivian is his patient. But he also deeply cares for Vivian—which is why he looks every time Addison claims that Vivian is waking up.

But to his surprise, this time Addison is right. Vivian is stirring.

"Vivian," he says gently as her eyes begin to open. "Vivian, do you know where you are?" he asks when he sees she's struggling to orient herself.

"Uh, ah …" Vivian's eyes widen in panic when she finds herself unable to form words.

"It's okay," Derek says quickly. "Take your time. You just had major surgery."

"Surgery?" Vivian slurs, her voice drowsy.

"Yeah." Derek breathes a sigh of relief. Vivian _is_ able to speak. Not clearly, but she can form words. "You had brain surgery," Derek repeats. "And it went very well."

Vivian looks at him in confusion. "What?"

"Vivian, do you know where you are?" Addison asks. And Derek can't help detecting the quiver in her voice.

Vivian looks at Addison intently, as though she's trying to place her.

"Tired," Vivian mumbles, her voice muffled.

"Go back to sleep, Vivian," Derek says reassuringly. "We can try talking again later."

But Vivian doesn't hear Derek. She's already fast asleep.

Addison turns to Derek, her eyes wide with panic.

"The brain is a complex and fascinating thing, Addison. Sometimes—"

"Spare me the talk you give to patients' families, Derek." She looks at him intently, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "She was so out of it."

"She just came off anesthesia."

"Yeah, but she had no idea where she was or who we were."

"Addison, you know that different people come off anesthesia differently."

She sighs. "I know. I just … I wasn't prepared for that."

"Neither was I."

She gives him a sad smile. "I just assumed she'd wake up and be her witty self." She looks from her mentor to Derek. "It's so hard to see her like this."

"I know," Derek agrees sadly. He mechanically gets out of his chair and before he can think about what he's doing, he's rubbing Addison's shoulders—just like he always did when she was stressed or upset.

She looks at him in confusion and he gives her a small smile.

When someone you love is _this_ sick, rules don't exist.

"Do you … do you think she's going to come out of this okay?" Addison asks after a minute.

"Addie, Vivian has a very aggressive, fast-growing brain tumor. And while we got the main tumor—"

"That's not what I meant," Addison interrupts. "Do you think when she wakes up again, she'll be able to talk … and know where she is … and know who we are."

Derek sighs. "I hope so."

"Speak to me like a doctor, Derek," Addison pleads, her lip quivering.

Derek sighs. "Doctor to doctor … yes, I think she'll regain her speech and her memory. I think she woke up too soon. But I think the next time she wakes up, it'll be better."

Addison nods mutely. "Oh."

"But husband to wife …" Derek continues giving Addison a small smile. "Husband to wife … the next time Vivian wakes up, things better be better. Like … it's not an option."

Addison can't help chuckling, and Derek has to admit, it's nice to hear her laugh.

But she quickly grows serious.

"Derek, what if she's not okay? What if she wakes up and isn't the same?"

"I—"

"I'll never get to have another conversation with Vivian. We'll never be able to discuss medicine again." She swallows thickly. "I should have stayed with her."

"What?"

"Before her surgery, I left the room. But I should have stayed with her."

"Addison, no. There's nothing you should have done differently. There's—"

"I need a minute," she admits, her voice cracking. She stands up and quickly swipes at her eyes. Derek pays the courtesy of pretending not to notice she's brushing away tears.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

She shakes her head. "Stay with Vivian. If she wakes up, you should be here. And so should I. I just … I need a minute," she repeats making her way toward the door. "I'll be right back."

He watches her retreating form and sighs. He's conflicted. He wants to go after her. He _should_ go after her. But she'll kill him if he does. Addison told him to stay with Vivian, and he knows she meant it.

And as he stands there sorting out his feelings, he can't help feeling more confused than ever. He has sort of forgotten what it's like to care about Addison. After all, he spent months acting indifferently toward her. But now, all he can think about is how she feels and what she wants.

And that's a problem. Because he's furious with her. He hasn't forgiven her, and he doesn't know if he ever plans to.

And yet, he can't stop thinking about her.

He also hasn't thought about Meredith romantically since Vivian was admitted. And yet he slept with Addison once and kissed her more times than he can count.

And, of course, she's on his mind non-stop.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to think about something else— _anything_ else. But it's no use. So he gives himself permission to think about Addison. It's inevitable, after all.

 _~ Flashback—warm nights ~_

" _Do you want to get out of here?"_

 _Derek looks at his wife in surprise. "This is supposed to be a good networking opportunity for us." He gestures vaguely to the banquet hall they're standing in. It's filled with all the best and brightest doctors from around the world._

 _Addison shrugs. "I've talked to everyone I wanted to. Have you?"_

" _I guess. I just—"_

" _And it's not like we're planning to leave Mt. Sinai."_

" _And we're both the best in our respective fields," Derek points out with a smile._

 _Addison nods in agreement._

" _That all makes sense," Derek concedes. "Still this banquet is a big deal in the medical community. Everyone who's anyone is here. Why do you want to leave?"_

 _Addison shrugs. "We've been working so hard lately. And tonight I don't feel like being Dr. Shepherd."_

" _I, uh, I'm not sure I'm following."_

 _Addison gives him a suggestive smile. "Tonight I want to be Mrs. Shepherd."_

 _Derek feels his pulse quicken. "Well, that's convenient," he whispers, his warm breath tickling her ear. "Because tonight I want to be Mr. Shepherd." He smiles seductively. "Shall we take this back to our place, Mrs. Shepherd?"_

" _I thought you'd never ask."_

 _They slide into the back seat of a cab in record time. Addison gives the cab driver their address._

 _And then her lips are on Derek's, kissing him heatedly. He responds in kind, pulling her toward him and running his fingers through her long hair as he kisses her deeply._

 _Dr. and Dr. Shepherd may not make out in the back of a cab. But Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd absolutely do._

 _It's a hot August night and Derek can feel perspiration—his and hers—beading on his skin as their kisses intensify. She dips her head back and he assaults her neck with kisses, making her gasp and driving him crazy._

 _Neither is aware of the cab driver who's clearing his throat uncomfortably, desperate to put an end to the sucking and light moaning sounds coming from the back of the cab._

 _They make it to the brownstone. He can't remember which of them paid the driver. But that quickly becomes an afterthought as they fumble through the hallways of their home, still kissing heatedly, unable to undress each other fast enough._

 _He pushes her up against a wall and she gasps in surprise. And for just a moment, he takes it all in. But she quickly pulls him toward her and his lips are back on hers, their bodies pressed together._

" _I love you," she breathes, nipping at his neck._

 _He smiles broadly and kisses her deeply. "I adore you."_

 _He means it too._

 _And as they lay in bed together—after more rounds between the sheets than he can count—he can't help thinking about him and Addison. He's immensely proud of everything they've accomplished in their professional lives—Dr. and Dr._

 _But on this warm August night, he has to admit nothing makes him happier than being Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd._

 _~ Almost left behind ~_

He hadn't thought about that night in years. And he can't help smiling at the memories. He and Addison had done so much and accomplished so much together that sometimes it was easy to forget or take for granted all the smaller moments they shared.

All the smaller moments that when combined together became bigger, more significant moments.

He sighs. Things were simpler then.

Now things are anything but simple. And they've only become more complicated. Even the seemingly simple decision of whether he should stay with Vivian or go after Addison feels impossible.

In the end, he decides to stay with Vivian. It's what Addison would want. Still, he can't help worrying that she's hiding out somewhere in an on call room or a supply closet, crying—and alone.

xxxxx

She's looking for somewhere to escape to. She doesn't have an office, so that's not an option. And Derek's office could work, but it's far away and she's not sure how much longer she can keep her emotions in check.

One thing's for certain, she can't let herself cry—not in public, and certainly not here in front of these people who already don't respect her and think she's Satan.

She's trying to figure out her next move when a rough hand lands on her shoulder.

"Remember me?"

She turns and meets the woman's eyes. It's been years, but she remembers. Most doctors wouldn't. But she has never been most doctors.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Okay, everything looks good. I'm going to close." Addison motions toward her resident, "Bryant, keep an eye on the fetal monitor." She glances over at the resident who's staring at her awestruck. "Bryant? Is everything alright?"_

" _Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Dr. Shepherd. I just … I never saw an in utero surgery up close before. I mean, that baby didn't stand a chance, and now she does."_

 _Addison smiles and begins to close the incision across the mother's abdomen. "That's the goal." She glances at the resident. "How's the baby's heart rate?"_

" _Normal."_

" _Good." She quickly glances at the fetal monitor to confirm this for herself and finishes closing the incision._

 _She scrubs out and is greeted by a round of accolades. The chief of surgery is there and is praising her good work. And her fellow attendings—even her rivals—are clearly impressed. Derek is also there, a look of pride and adoration clear on his face._

 _Of course the most meaningful compliments come from the expectant mother of Addison's unborn patient, who profusely thanks her for giving her baby the chance that no other doctor would._

 _It's this detail that Addison is sharing with Derek in the bar near the hospital, after work. It has been a long day and he had insisted on taking her out for a celebratory scotch._

" _The baby still has a lot of issues ahead of her," Addison admits, sipping her drink. "Mobility impediments … developmental delays …"_

" _But you gave the baby a chance," Derek interrupts. "You performed a surgery that most doctors either aren't skilled enough or are too afraid to perform." He gives her a wide smile. "And I know you know this, but you did textbook work in there today."_

 _Addison chuckles. "It doesn't hurt to hear it."_

" _You were amazing, Addison." He pulls her in and kisses her—slowly at first, but then more passionately._

" _Derek," she scolds, pulling back in surprise. She's not above kissing her husband in bars, but this a regular after-work hangout for their colleagues. "Professionalism."_

 _He laughs and kisses her deeply. "I don't care," he murmurs against her lips._

" _I do."_

" _I know. But my wife is brilliant," he whispers as their lips reconnect. "And tonight I feel like bragging about that. So tonight," he whispers in between kisses, "let's throw professionalism out the window."_

 _She's about to object. But with his lips on hers, there's not much of a point._

" _Okay," she murmurs, pulling him closer and kissing him deeply. "I guess I'm okay with that."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Sean," Addison says, giving the woman a slight smile. "Sean Petrucci. What can I do for you?"

"Oh, you've already done enough," Sean says snidely.

"Excuse me?"

"Five years ago you operated on my daughter, Gwen."

"In utero," Addison nods. "I remember."

"Well, you clearly forgot to tell me that Gwen's life and my life would be a living hell every second of every day."

"I'm sorry? I'm not sure I'm foll—"

"Gwen was born with Spina Bifida. She's almost five years old. She can't walk. She can't even crawl. She's totally and completely confined to her wheelchair. When you told me you could save my baby, you failed to mention that she'd never be able to lead a normal life."

Addison shakes her head in disbelief. "You asked me to save your baby and I did. I did exactly what you wanted."

"Except you didn't give me the full story. Do you know how expensive it is to have a child with special needs?"

"I—"

"Of course you don't." Sean sighs in frustration. "Between the physical therapy and the medication … not to mention the constant stress … which became _too_ much for my husband to handle … so, last month, he just up and left us." She looks at Addison hatefully. "How am I supposed to make ends meet?"

"Sean, I—"

"If you would have told me that Gwen's life would never be normal, I _never_ would have gone through with the pregnancy. I would have terminated."

"But, I—"

"I'm not interested in what you have to say, Dr. Shepherd." She looks at Addison vindictively. "But hear me loud and clear, you can expect to hear from my lawyers."

* * *

A/N 2: I really liked Sean's storyline in the Private Practice episode. And for a while, I've wanted to somehow incorporate it into an Addek story. Derek's not quite the saint-of-a-man that Jake is, and I think he would react much differently (probably a lot less rationally). Plus, Derek was in Addison's life when she performed that surgery, which would give him a different perspective. And I'm interested in exploring all of this. Hope you are too!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind reviews last chapter—they mean a lot! I was excited to add the Sean Petrucci wrinkle to this storyline and am so glad that others are interested as well. So, with that said, here's the next chapter. I had wanted to post it yesterday, but a rough bout of food poisoning compromised those plans. Anyway, better late than never! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Her world is imploding.

Vivian may never be her brilliant self again. That alone is world-crushing enough. But now she has a potential lawsuit on her hands. Not to mention, her marriage is more unstable than a teenage girl in her first pair of high heels.

She wants to cry. She had planned to bawl her eyes out in private, but Sean Petrucci interrupted her before she had the chance … and, of course, added more fuel to the fire.

She's so lost in her thoughts, she doesn't hear Dr. Bailey approach her, and she nearly jumps a foot in the air when Bailey's voice cuts into her thoughts.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Addison turns in surprise. "Dr. Bailey," she says, regaining her composure and doing her best to give the resident a convincing smile. "What can I do for you?"

"Nothing, actually. I'm here to update you."

Addison looks at Bailey in confusion. "Update me?"

"I'm the resident assigned to Vivian Carlsmith's case. And Dr. Shepherd … the other Dr. Shepherd asked me to give you an update."

"Oh," Addison nods. Her heart is suddenly racing; she doesn't know whether to be hopeful or worried. "Has Vivian woken up yet?"

Bailey shakes her head. "She hasn't." She looks at Addison apologetically. "I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd."

"Oh," Addison says quietly. She looks at Bailey in confusion. "So, Derek asked you to tell me that there hasn't been any progress?"

"Dr. Shepherd, I think you and I are both smart enough to see what's really going on here," Bailey says frankly. "He's worried about you and wants to make sure you're okay." She looks at Addison closely. "Are you?"

"My mentor is dying, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey swallows thickly. "I know," she says sympathetically. "I'm really sorry."

Addison nods mutely. "Derek thinks when Vivian wakes up she'll be herself again," Addison admits vulnerably. "But I … I don't know."

"Well, I haven't known Dr. Shepherd very long, but I wouldn't bet against him. Not when it comes to his medical specialty, at least," Bailey amends. She meets Addison's eyes. "Can I be blunt with you?"

"Are you ever not blunt?"

"Fair enough," Bailey concedes before growing serious. "I've never trusted your husband. Something about him always struck me as disingenuous. I chalked it up to the whole McDreamy persona that the hospital thrust upon him."

Addison's jaw tightens, and she forces herself to keep her face neutral at the mention of her husband's ridiculous and admittedly childish nickname around this place.

"I never bought it, though," Bailey continues. "Even though he embraced it, his whole persona seemed fake to me. Like a mediocre acting performance. And I can't say I liked Derek McDreamy Shepherd. Don't get me wrong; he's a brilliant doctor. That much I could acknowledge. But as a person, I wasn't impressed." She pauses. "But these past few days, he's been different. More genuine … more real. And still a brilliant doctor. But I like this version of Derek Shepherd better."

Addison smiles slightly. She's not entirely sure what to do with Bailey's comment. She just knows she appreciates it.

"So, with that said," Bailey continues. "I'm still assigned to your husband's service. And against my better judgment, I agreed to play messenger between the two of you." She meets Addison's eyes. "What would you like me to tell him?"

Addison runs a hand through her hair. "Is he still with Vivian?"

"Hasn't left her side."

Addison smiles. "Are you going back there now?"

"I am."

"I'll go with you."

"Okay," Bailey shrugs. And they start walking. "Suit yourself."

"Wait," Addison says, stopping abruptly. "He hasn't eaten anything."

"I wouldn't know that," Bailey says. "Dr. Shepherd's dietary habits really aren't any of my concern."

Addison shakes her head. "No, I wasn't asking if you knew whether he ate something. I'm stating a fact."

They make a quick stop at the coffee cart (much to Bailey's displeasure), and before long, they're walking into Vivian's hospital room.

Vivian is laying there, eyes closed, unmoving. If Addison didn't know any better, she'd say her mentor looked peaceful.

And just as Bailey had said, Derek is sitting at Vivian's side, focused on her intently.

"Still no progress?" Addison asks, disrupting the heavy silence.

Derek looks up in surprise and shakes his head sadly. "Not yet."

She sits down next to him and sighs. "I think Vivian has more color than before," she says after a moment. She turns to her husband. "Do you think she has more color?"

"I …" Derek hesitates. He looks at his wife, eyes soft.

"She doesn't, does she?" Addison asks glumly.

"No, wait," Derek says, as his hand involuntarily falls to his wife's thigh. "I think she might. Dr. Bailey, what do you think?"

"I think this conversation is about to become non-medical very fast," Bailey says, glancing at Derek's hand which is still on Addison's thigh. "And I want no part in that. Let me know if you need me," she continues as she heads toward the door. "For medical purposes," she clarifies. "And, yes," she adds, turning back to look at Addison and Derek, "I do think Dr. Carlsmith has a little more color."

Derek watches Bailey's retreating form and chuckles. He turns to Addison. "She's starting to grow on me."

"Really?" Addison raises an eyebrow. "She just said the same thing about you."

He shakes his head. "Yeah, well …" He suspects a big part of why Bailey has always been lukewarm about him has a lot to do with his relationship with Meredith Grey. But he decides against sharing this with Addison.

He looks at his wife closely. "How are you holding up?"

"Honestly?"

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know the truth."

"I'm devastated," she admits. "I can't bear seeing Vivian like this. And on top of that, I'm probably going to get sued."

"Sued?" Derek's eyebrows dart up in surprise. "By who?"

"I operated on a baby in utero five years ago. The baby wouldn't have had a chance if I hadn't agreed to operate." Addison sighs heavily. "Anyway, the baby was born with Spina Bifida, and now the mother is threatening to sue me for wrongful birth."

"But that's not your fault," Derek insists. He immediately feels a surge of anger—defensiveness, even—pulsate through his body. And he can't quite explain it. "Addison, if it hadn't been for you, that baby never would have survived."

"Exactly," Addison nods. "I did exactly what the mother wanted, and she's still suing me." She runs a hand through her hair in frustration. "I remember that case so clearly. Sean was so insistent about doing whatever it took to save her daughter. And now …"

"We went to the bar after that surgery," Derek cuts in. His voice is reminiscent and confident all at once.

She looks at him skeptically. Derek, who forgot birthdays and anniversaries, is somehow able to remember details from an obscure surgery.

"Lucky guess."

"No," he insists. "I remember that night. I remember that surgery."

How could he not?

 _~ Sometimes you picture me ~_

 _There are no two ways about it, his wife is brilliant. And he is beaming with pride._

 _He's sitting in the gallery, alongside fellow attendings, residents, interns, and even the chief of surgery. They're all watching intently as Addison performs a surgery that very few surgeons have the courage to take on or the talent to pull off._

 _Sean Petrucci is the expectant mother on Addison's operating table. He and Addison have discussed the case so much at home he knows the details of it almost as well as she does. For example, he knows that Sean went to eight other surgeons—all of whom insisted her baby wasn't savable—before she finally came to Addison. He also knows that his wife has practiced this surgery so many times she could probably operate with her eyes shut._

 _It's a difficult surgery, and she's down there making it look easy._

" _This surgery's so cool," an intern marvels, ripping Derek from his thoughts._

" _Yeah," another intern agrees. "And Shepherd's pretty easy on the eyes too."_

" _Shhh," a third intern warns. "Her husband's sitting right over there. He might hear you."_

 _Derek shakes his head. Normally, this type of talk would irritate him. And it kind of does. But he's not going to make a big deal about it. Because this is Addison's big moment, and he doesn't want to do anything to take it away from it._

 _He knows everyone else in the gallery is focused on Addison's technique—her undeniable precision. But he's not. He already knows she's a deft surgeon._

 _He's focused on what a good teacher she is._

 _She didn't have to let a resident scrub in on the surgery. In fact, most surgeons probably wouldn't. But Addison had insisted. She said it was a good learning experience. And while she's a surgeon first, she's also a teacher who has a responsibility to mold the next wave of surgeons. And she takes that responsibility seriously._

 _And as he continues to watch her, he can't help marveling at her patience … the way she takes the time to explain things to the resident. It's what makes an excellent teacher._

 _It's what makes an excellent mother._

 _He can't help the smile that forms on his face at the thought. He and Addison want kids—they always have. It's just lately he's finding himself thinking about it more and more. They've reached a point both personally and professionally where he thinks they could handle kids._

 _And he wants kids with Addison._

 _He knows this for certain. But he also knows they have all the time in the world. So, he sits back and appreciates his wife's brilliance._

 _~ I'm walking too far ahead ~_

He remembers the surgery in vivid detail. And he kind of wishes he didn't.

Because of all the things it brings up.

He wanted kids with Addison. He can't remember a time when he didn't. And now … well, that's a can of worms he can't afford to open right now.

"Do you think things would have been different if we'd had kids?"

Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and he realizes he accidentally asked the question out loud.

He blushes brightly. "I, uh, I meant, um …"

"I always wanted kids with you, Derek," she admits vulnerably.

He swallows thickly. He knows this.

He runs a hand through his hair nervously and meets her eyes. "Why didn't we?" he asks softly. "We both wanted to. Why didn't we?"

Her eyes widen, and he wishes he could take his words back. Her world is crashing down on her; and while some of it may be her own doing, some of it isn't. She has enough on her plate, and he didn't need to heap onto it with a question like that.

But to his surprise, Addison isn't focused on him.

Vivian is waking up.

"Vivian," he prods gently. "Vivian, do you know where you are?"

He watches as Vivian's eyes move from him to Addison. And even though she doesn't say a word, he detects recognition in her eyes.

"It's okay," Addison tells her mentor warmly when she sees Vivian struggling. "Take your time."

A wide smile spread across Vivian's face, and Derek instantly feels lighter.

"I hope you two weren't here this whole time waiting for me to wake up," Vivian yawns.

Addison and Derek exchange a smile. Vivian's voice sounds exhausted, but she's comprehensible. In fact, she's downright witty.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asks.

"Okay, I guess. Tired."

"How's the pain?" Addison asks.

"Manageable."

Derek nods. "Just tell us if it's not. We can increase the pain medication. Well, technically, Addison can't. But I can. Are you feeling dizzy?" he asks, growing serious.

"Nope."

"Lightheaded?"

"No."

"Good," Derek smiles. And he and Addison breathe sighs of relief—breathing in unison.

"Are you two okay?" Vivian asks, raising an eyebrow. "You both seem a little flustered."

"We're okay," Addison smiles. "We're glad to see you awake."

Derek glances at his wife. He knows her choice of wording was deliberate. She purposefully didn't say 'We're glad you're okay' or 'We're glad you pulled through.' These things have yet to be determined.

"What have you been doing while you've been sitting here waiting for me to wake up?"

At that, Addison and Derek exchange an uncomfortable look.

 _Do you think things would have been different if we'd had kids?_

"Just talking about the past," Addison says with an overly cheerful smile.

"And medicine," Derek adds. "We were reminiscing."

"The past and medicine," Vivian approves. "Two of the very best things."

Derek's not sure about that. But you don't argue with Vivian Carlsmith—you just don't.

So, he gives her a warm smile … and a little white lie. "Vivian, I couldn't have said it better."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind reviews on the last chapter! I really appreciate them. Here's the next chapter. It was a fun one to write. I hope you enjoy reading it. And thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"Okay, Karev, let's take a look at the consults we have lined up for today."

"I don't see why I have to join you on consults," Alex complains. "They're boring. Just a bunch of pregnant chicks with—"

"I'm going to stop you before you land yourself on even thinner ice than you're already on," Addison interrupts. She shoots him an angry glare. "The reason we have consults is to assess the patient's condition," she tells him pedantically. "We use consults to determine a course of treatment or surgery."

"I know," Alex grumbles. "I'm just saying gyne ones are kinda boring."

"Oh, I'm sorry, and breast augmentation consults are riveting?" Addison challenges.

Alex chuckles. "Yes, actually."

"Karev, you're unbel—"

But she's cut off by the sound of her pager buzzing.

"Shit," she mutters as she reads the message.

"What?"

"Pregnant woman in a head-on collision. Possible brain injury. Karev, page Shepherd, book an OR, and get ready to scrub in."

"Scrub in?"

Addison nods. "You're my intern, right?"

"Well …"

"Karev, for the sake of argument, you are. You're my intern," she repeats firmly." Where I go, you go."

He nods dutifully. "I'll book an OR."

After that, things unfold quickly. The patient is rushed in and Derek proclaims it a beautiful day to save lives.

"Derek," Addison says. "The baby is—"

"Yeah," Derek nods. "I know."

"So my preference would be to—"

"I agree. So when I'm …" Derek trails off, "I'll need you to …"

"Of course," Addison nods. "And I'll have Karev—"

"Perfect," Derek concludes, giving his wife a small smile.

Alex looks from Addison to Derek, a look of bewilderment on his face. "I, um, I'm glad you two are on the same page," he begins. "But not all of us speak fluent Shepherd, so if one of you wouldn't mind explaining …"

"Sure, Karev," Addison nods. "The baby is twenty-six weeks. Which means …?"

"She's viable," Alex fills in.

"Very good. So, if I have to deliver her, she'll have a decent chance of surviving. But delivering her isn't our preference. And why do you think that is?"

"Because at this stage, every week in utero makes a difference and increases the chance of survival," Alex answers easily.

"Exactly," Addison nods. "Now, the impact of the car crash caused the mother's brain to swell. Dr. Shepherd is going to drill into the mother's skull to try to relieve the pressure. Doctor Bailey will monitor the mother through all of this. And I'll be prepared to deliver the baby, if necessary. What I need you to do," she continues, "is to not take your eyes off the fetal monitor. And if the baby's heart rate starts dropping, I need you to tell me. Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

Derek smiles to himself. There are no two ways about it, Addison is a good teacher.

"Okay," he grins once he senses that everyone is ready. "Let's have some fun."

His hands move deftly as he starts drilling; Addison can't help noticing this.

"I hate cases like this," Derek mutters to no one in particular. "People in big cities drive like maniacs. There are way too many pregnant women rushed to the hospital because of dangerous drivers and car crashes." He shakes his head in annoyance. "I swear if it were my pregnant wife in this situation, I'd deck that crazy driver in the face."

"Hypothetically speaking, of course?" Bailey questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, hypothetically speaking," Derek says, blushing slightly.

"You don't exactly strike me as the violent type," Bailey presses.

Derek shrugs. "I'm not. I just … I hate cases like this."

He quickly glances at Bailey and Alex. They seem placated by his response. He can't bring himself to look at Addison, though. Sure, the comment was hypothetical. But in a way, it wasn't. Because he wasn't picturing a hypothetical wife. He was imaging _his_ wife.

But he can't think like that. Vivian's arrival in the hospital may have softened him toward Addison. But this type of thought crosses a line he refuses to allow himself to cross.

"Dr. Bailey," he says, changing the subject. "I'd like you to drill into the patient's skull."

"You would?" Bailey asks in surprise.

"Do you not want to?"

"No, I want to," Bailey says quickly. "I was just surprised you offered."

"This is a teaching hospital," Derek points out.

"That never meant much to you in the past," Alex coughs.

"Karev, watch the monitor," Addison reprimands.

"I used to teach," Derek says defensively. "Back in New York. I was a good teacher."

He swallows thickly as he thinks about Vivian and his own mentor. They're two of the best doctors and teachers he has ever known. And they're a big part of why he and Addison are where they are today.

He hasn't done much teaching since coming to Seattle. And the little teaching that he has done, he's done reluctantly—as though it were a huge imposition. Vivian always said that surgeries and innovation are important, but that teaching is equally important. It's one of the easiest ways to advance the future of the profession.

He sighs. He knows he has changed since moving to Seattle. But not all changes are good ones. And his attitude toward teaching is not something he's proud of.

"Teaching is important," he tells Bailey firmly as he hands her the drill. "Okay, let's see what you've got."

Bailey nods and accepts the surgical tool.

"Very good," Derek approves as Bailey begins to work. "You have a very steady hand. Good precision too."

Derek takes back the drill to finish up. He's almost done when the monitors begin beeping frantically.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, the baby's BP is dropping," Alex says, his eyes wide. "Pulse ox is low too."

"Addison, don't cut," Derek warns. "Just—"

"BP's dropping," Alex cuts in.

Addison looks from Alex to Derek. "Der—"

"I said no, Addison."

"Derek, we're going to lose the baby."

"The mother's not stable, Addison. If you cut, we're going to lose them both."

"Pulse ox is dropping," Alex warns.

"The mother's BP is low too," Bailey adds.

"Derek, you have ninety seconds to stabilize the mother," Addison warns, glancing at the frantically beeping monitors. "After that, I'm delivering the baby." She turns to Alex. "Page labor and delivery. We're going to need some more doctors in here."

Alex nods dutifully and Addison divides her attention between the various beeping monitors.

"30 seconds, Derek."

"Just give me … There," he declares triumphantly. "Done." He glances at the monitors. "That mother's stats are rising."

"Yeah, but the baby's aren't," Addison mutters. "Heart rate's plummeting. I've got to deliver her. Ten blade." She looks at Derek. "Make sure that—"

"Of course," Derek nods. "You just focus on—"

"I will," Addison says as she makes the incision. And within seconds, she delivers an impossibly tiny baby girl.

"Here," she says, handing the baby to Alex. "She needs to be hooked up to oxygen. Quickly."

Alex nods and turns his attention to the baby girl while Addison focuses on stitching up the already compromised mother.

"Derek, keep an eye on—"

"I am," Derek says as he watches his wife stitch up the incision.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Derek asks. "Doing my job."

"The mother's not out of the woods yet," Addison warns her husband. "I'd hold off on the jokes if I were you."

Derek nods in concession and watches as his wife continues to sew up the incision. His eyes flicker to the monitors.

"The mother's holding steady."

"Good," Addison nods. She glances up to see Alex and a team of doctors rushing the baby to the NICU for testing.

"Stay with her Karev," she calls out.

"Okay," Alex calls back, his voice serious and dutiful.

Derek raises an eyebrow at his wife. "If I didn't know any better, I would actually think Karev is showing an interest in your specialty."

Addison chuckles dryly. "It depends on the day. The hour, actually," she amends as she sews the final stitch. She looks at her husband seriously. "Is everything under control in here?"

He nods. "Yeah. Go. Save the baby."

The words have barely escaped his lips before she's out the door.

Derek shakes his head in amusement before tuning to Bailey. "Nice work in there," he tells her sincerely.

"Thank you. And thanks for the opportunity."

Derek nods. The patient is being wheeled to recovery and he and Bailey begin scrubbing out.

Bailey turns to him. "Do you think the baby's going to make it?"

"I have a good feeling."

"Yeah," Bailey nods. "Me too. I—"

But she's cut off by the sound of his pager buzzing wildly.

He glances at it quickly. "Shit," he mutters. "I-I've got to go."

And without any more explanation, he runs down the hall … straight to Vivian's room.

He's out of breath by the time he gets there.

"What happened?" he demands, barging into her room. He can't see Vivian behind the wall of doctors and nurses. But he can hear the monitors beeping wildly.

"I asked what happened?" he bellows

"Dr. Shepherd," a nurse begins meekly. "She started seizing. We did everything we could think of. I … I think she's too far gone."

"Shut up!" Derek shouts, pushing his way through the nurses and doctors, and starting CPR. "Shut the hell up!"

"Dr. Shepherd, she signed a DNR."

"I don't care."

"Dr. Shepherd, I think—"

"I don't recall asking for your opinion," Derek snaps. "Get out! All of you. Get the hell out!"

The doctors and nurses timidly shuffle out of the room and Derek continues CPR.

"Come on, Vivian," he pleads in between compressions. "Don't do this. Please, Vivian. Please, please, please …"

xxxxx

Addison has found that over the years, some parts of being a doctor become routine and unremarkable. But saving a life isn't one of those things. It's always rewarding, always exciting. And in this case, they saved two lives. The mother is stable. And the baby, while not out of the woods just yet, is going to be just fine.

She's making her way to the cafeteria to pick up some lunch when a conversation between the interns causes her to linger.

"Wow, Karev, if I didn't know any better, I would think you actually like the vagina squad," Cristina teases. "And She-Shepherd."

"Shut up, Yang," Alex mutters. "I like that I get to scrub in and assist on surgeries."

"Gyne surgeries," Cristina snorts.

"Today's surgery was actually pretty cool," Alex counters. "And despite always being at each other's throats, the Shepherds actually work really well together in surgery."

"Yeah, well, they're both accomplished doctors," Cristina shrugs, unimpressed.

"No, this was different," Alex insists. "They speak their own language in there. And they complete each other's sentences."

"Like an old married couple," Cristina chuckles. "Sorry, Mer," she apologizes, growing serious and shooting her friend a sympathetic look. "That joke was out of line."

"And Shepherd actually taught in there," Alex continues, ignoring Cristina. "He-Shepherd _actually_ taught."

"He teaches," Meredith defends.

"No, he _really_ taught," Alex insists. "He let Bailey drill into the patient's skull."

"Wow," Izzie approves, impressed. "I always thought he hated teaching."

Alex shakes his head. "Apparently, he likes it."

Cristina raises an eyebrow. "Well, he's known for keeping secrets. Secret wife," she coughs.

"His secret wife saved your life," Alex points out.

"And ruined Mer's," Cristina challenges.

George looks at Alex pointedly. "Are you actually defending the Shepherds? Where's your loyalty to your fellow interns?"

"Listen, Bambi, I—"

But Addison never gets to hear the rest. A rough hand taps her on the shoulder, and she turns to see a stocky, balding man.

"Are you Addison Shepherd?"

"I am."

"Phillip Donaldson," he says curtly, handing her an envelope. "I'm Sean Petrucci's attorney."

"What?" Addison asks in confusion.

"Dr. Shepherd, you've just been served."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews on the last chapter. I really appreciate them. Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

* * *

He's shaking—visibly shaking. He's dizzy and nauseous and desperately needs to lie down. But he can't. Not right now. So, he keeps walking. Shaky and unsteady.

"Shepherd, what the hell is going on?" Richard demands, catching up with Derek in the hallway.

Derek slowly turns to his boss—his eyes misty, his body still trembling. He slumps against the wall to steady himself.

"Derek," Richard tries again, this time more compassionately.

"I, uh …"

"Look, I get it," Richard says gently. "From a personal standpoint, I get it. But I'm also the chief of surgery," he continues a bit more harshly. "And your most recent antics have everyone around here in hysterics. You screamed at doctors. You shouted at nurses. You flat out ignored a DNR. Derek, I …"

But he cuts himself off when he realizes Derek hasn't heard a word he said.

He looks at Derek closely. Sure, Derek's standing there in front of him; but Richard knows he's somewhere else completely. And for a moment, Richard wonders if Derek even realizes he's there.

But then Derek looks at him, eyes mournful and voice hoarse. "Richard," he chokes out. "How am I supposed to tell Addison?"

xxxxx

With a shaky hand, she dials a familiar number and prays for him to answer.

"This is Weiss."

"Weiss," she chokes out, her voice raw and vulnerable.

"Addison?" he asks in concern. "Are you okay? What's wrong? I can get Savvy."

"No, um, I actually called to talk to you." She sighs heavily. "Weiss, I need legal advice."

"Oh. Okay. What kind of … Addison," he warns, cutting himself off. "You better not be looking for a divorce attorney because, one, I don't practice that kind of law and, two, you and Derek better not be getting divorced."

"Unfortunately, the jury's still out on that one," Addison admits sadly. "But, no, that's not why I called you."

"Well, I'm glad to hear you're not getting divorced."

Addison swears she can hear her friend smiling through the phone. Weiss has always been very good at hearing what he wants to hear … believing what he wants to believe. Although she has to admit, it feels nice to know that _someone_ believes her marriage can be saved.

"So, what's going on, Addie? What can I help you with?

"I'm being sued. Wrongful birth."

"I don't do medical malpractices."

"It wasn't a malpractice," Addison defends. "And I know that. I just … I don't have a lawyer out here." She shakes her head sadly. "I don't have anyone out here."

"You have Derek."

She sighs. "I guess."

She has to admit that while things between her and Derek are nowhere close to what they once were, lately, they've been considerably better.

"You don't happen to know any lawyers in Seattle, do you, Weiss?"

"You and Derek are the only people I know in Seattle. And I wish you would both hurry up and get your asses back to New York already so I can say that I don't know _anyone_ in Seattle."

"So, that's your long-winded way of saying no?"

"Yup."

Addison sighs. "Yeah, I figured that was a longshot." She shakes her head. "I'm sure the hospital has someone or a team of people, but I kind of wanted to handle this on my own."

"It's nice to know some things don't change," Weiss chuckles. "Without knowing the details," he continues, growing serious, "I'd try to keep this out of court if you can."

"Yeah," Addison agrees dully. "It's just … I did exactly what the mother asked me to do. I saved a baby that otherwise would have had no chance. And now the mother's trying to damage my professional reputation because of it."

"Clearly, not everyone's cut out to be a parent," Weiss says bluntly.

Addison nods mutely as Derek's words from a few days ago echo in her head. _Do you think things would have been different if we'd had kids?_

"That's why I hate family law," Weiss continues. "It's too ugly and vicious. That's why I went into corporate law. It's less messy."

"Weiss, corporate law is incredibly vicious," Addison disagrees. "And you have a reputation for being one of the most aggressive corporate lawyers on the eastern seaboard."

"Yeah, but family law is different," Weiss insists. "Speaking of which, do you remember my old assistant?"

"Come On, Eileen?" Addison asks, chuckling involuntarily. "Of course."

"She just accepted a position working at a firm that does family law. Not that I'd recommend her to you," Weiss adds quickly.

"Not that she'd take me on."

"Money talks, Addison," Weiss points out. "But, yes, she couldn't stand you. Or Derek." He chuckles. "And I can't say I blame her."

"She started it."

"Yes, I remember."

Addison smiles. "So do I."

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Can I help you?" a snooty voice asks Addison and Derek as they walk up to the front desk of Weiss' office together._

" _We're here to see Weiss," Addison explains._

 _The woman eyes Addison and Derek critically, taking in their scrub pants and t-shirts. "Is this some type of pro bono case Weiss is taking on that I'm not aware of?"_

" _What? No," Derek sputters. "We're his friends."_

" _I find that hard to believe."_

" _And why's that?" Addison asks, looking at the woman pointedly._

" _Because," the woman says flippantly, "Weiss' friends are better dressed."_

 _Addison's mouth opens in surprise. "Excuse me, but we're—"_

" _Addison … Derek," Weiss says, grinning widely as he makes his way out of the office. "How long have you been waiting?"_

" _Oh, not long," Derek mutters irritably._

" _Just long enough for your assistant to tell us that we aren't well dressed enough to possibly be your friends," Addison adds in annoyance._

 _Weiss looks at his assistant in surprise. "You actually said that to them?"_

 _The woman shrugs. "I thought you took on a pro bono case without telling me. Everyone who comes into this office is well dressed. And these two—"_

" _Are doctors," Weiss fills in exasperatedly. "And not just doctors … they're world-class surgeons. And not that it's any of your business," he continues through gritted teeth, "but both of them do quite well for themselves and dress very well when they're not covered in blood or guts or amniotic fluid." He shakes his head in annoyance. "Come on, Eileen."_

 _That was the moment Weiss introduced what would become Addison and Derek's not-so-secret nickname for his new assistant. And against his best efforts, it became Weiss' secret nickname for his assistant as well._

 _That was also the day that Addison and Derek (but mostly Addison) decided that Come On, Eileen couldn't insult their fashion sense and get away with it._

 _At first, their mode of revenge was simple. They'd call Weiss periodically throughout the day, only to start singing "Come On, Eileen" loudly and off-key when Eileen answered the phone. One time they managed to recruit the entire pediatric department to sing along with them._

 _It drove Eileen nuts … which was, of course, the point._

 _But they quickly upped the ante, and now they're pushing the envelope further._

 _Addison turns to her husband. "Are you sure about this?" she asks, gesturing to the phone in her hand._

" _Definitely. Dial the number, Addie."_

" _Okay," she nods. She quickly dials Weiss' work number and waits for Eileen to answer._

 _Always the dutiful assistant, Eileen answers on the first ring. And Addison puts her phone on speakerphone so Derek can hear._

" _Is Weiss there?" Addison asks in an overly sultry voice._

" _Who may I ask is calling?"_

" _Oh, he'll know who this is," Addison purrs as Derek does his best to contain his laughter._

" _Well, I, uh," Eileen stammers, clearly flustered._

" _I'm calling to thank him for the hot date last night," Addison continues, her voice dripping with seduction._

" _Oh. Savannah," Eileen recovers, breathing an audible sigh of relief. "Why didn't you just say it was you?"_

" _Savannah?" Addison asks in confusion, shooting Derek a playful wink. "Who's Savannah?"_

" _Weiss' wife. Wait …" Eileen trails off in a panic. "You're not …? I thought you were—"_

" _Weiss is married?" Addison interrupts angrily. "He didn't mention that last night in the back seat of his Jag. Put him on the phone right now!"_

" _I—"_

" _I said put him on the phone!"_

" _Well, I, uh … sure."_

 _Seconds later, they hear Weiss pick up the phone._

" _Yeah, who the hell is this?" he demands._

" _Hi, Weiss," Addison says innocently._

" _How's it going?" Derek laughs._

" _You two," Weiss breathes, doing his best to sound angry. "Come On, Eileen was losing her mind."_

 _Derek chuckles. "Mission accomplished."_

" _I need new friends," Weiss grumbles. "Or a new assistant. Or—" he groans in frustration. "She thought I had a mistress. Come On, Eileen literally told me my mistress was on the phone."_

" _That's not how I described myself to her," Addison shrugs as Derek continues to laugh heartily._

" _I don't even want to know what you said to her," Weiss insists. "I swear, the next time I see you two—"_

" _You mean this Saturday at brunch?" Addison cuts in. "You and Savvy are still coming, right?"_

" _Only because I love brunch."_

" _You love us too," Addison insists._

" _Not right now I don't. Right now I have to waste precious time explaining to Come On, Eileen that I don't have some dirty mistress … and that my friends are assholes."_

" _We'll send you a fruit basket to make up for it," Addison offers nonchalantly._

" _Don't think you can buy your way out of this."_

 _Addison raises an eyebrow. "Do you want the fruit basket or not?"_

" _Of course I do," Weiss says, sighing dramatically. "But there better be chocolate-covered fruit. And none of that dried fruit crap."_

" _Consider it done," Derek grins. "Should we sign the card from your dirty mistress?"_

" _Don't even think about it," Weiss warns._

" _We'll sign it from a client," Addison says. "A big client who wants to thank you for your legal advice … and for letting her look through your briefs."_

" _You realize that, at this point, you're enacting your revenge on me and not on Come On, Eileen?"_

" _Why?" Addison asks sweetly. "I was referring to your legal briefs, of course."_

" _Yes, of course, you were," Weiss grumbles sarcastically. "You know what? On second thoughts, don't send the fruit basket."_

" _You're getting a fruit basket, Weiss."_

" _Fine," Weiss concedes. "But I'm hanging up on you two now."_

 _They hear Weiss' end of the line go dead and Addison turns to her husband. "So, how'd I do?" she asks raising an eyebrow._

" _I've got to hand it to you, Honey; that was a very compelling performance."_

" _Well, I can't take all the credit," Addison chuckles. "Come On, Eileen and Weiss were excellent in their supporting roles." She looks at her husband mischievously. "We're calling again next week, aren't we?"_

 _Derek nods. "I think I'll pretend to be Weiss' son from a one-night stand."_

 _Addison smacks her husband's bicep playfully. "He's going to stop being friends with us," she laughs._

" _Nah," Derek insists, pulling her in. "Savvy likes us too much to let that happen. And besides," he continues, brushing a stray piece of hair from Addison's face, "I may be biased, but you and I are both irresistibly charming._

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

Addison shakes her head. "I can't remember the last time Derek was that carefree."

"Hey, you were pretty carefree as well," Weiss reminds her.

"I was carefree," Addison agrees.

She sighs sadly. Things were a lot simpler then.

"You and Derek can get back to that," Weiss persists, responding to the fear she didn't vocalize.

"I don't know, Weiss."

"I do," Weiss insists. "You and Derek are two peas in a pod. A couple of clams on the half rack. Trust me, Addison."

She shakes her head sadly. She wants to trust him. She wants to be optimistic too. But she also knows the reality of the situation in a way Weiss doesn't.

"I, um, I should probably go," she stammers. "Thanks for the legal advice."

"I didn't really give you any."

"Well, um, thanks for the walk down memory lane."

She swallows thickly. With everything that's going on, it was a nice break from things.

"Addie," Weiss says in concern, "Savvy and I could come out there. Just say the words and we'll be on the next plane to Seattle."

"No, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Listen, Weiss, I've got to go. I've got a surgery I need to prep for."

Technically, this is a lie. She doesn't have any surgeries scheduled for the rest of the day. But she needs to get off the phone because she's literally two seconds away from taking Weiss up on his offer to come out to Seattle. And she can't do that. She can't drag anyone else into this mess.

"Send my love to Savvy," she continues, trying her best to keep her composure. "I'll give her a call soon."

"She'd like that. Give my best to Derek."

"I will."

"And, Addie …"

"Yeah?"

"Just remember, Savvy and I are just a phone call away."

She swallows roughly. "Thanks, Weiss. I'll uh, I'll talk to you later."

"Take care of yourself, Addie."

She hangs up the phone with a heavy heart. As much as she enjoyed reminiscing with Weiss, those memories are a painful reminder of how good things used to be … and how she and Derek likely won't ever be able to get back to that place.

But she can't think about that right now. Right now, she needs some good juju … and that means talking to Vivian. About medicine, about teaching, about the past, or whatever Vivian wants to talk about.

She's making her way up to Vivian's room when she literally collides with Derek. One of his arms quickly wraps around her waist to prevent her from falling. The other hand reaches for her elbow to steady her.

"I, uh, sorry," she apologizes, making no effort to move out of her husband's arms. Right now, she needs the comfort. And she'll take it however she can get it. "I, um, was distracted."

He studies her closely, his arms still around her. "You look exhausted."

"Is that your tactful way of telling me I look like crap?"

"You could never look like crap." The words tumble from his mouth before he has time to think about what he's saying. "I, um, you should take a nap."

She shakes her head and steps out of his arms. "I'm going to visit Vivian. I want to—"

"Addie, wait," he interrupts, instinctively pulling her back into his arms.

She turns in his arms and meets his eyes. And Derek's face crumples.

"Der," she says in concern, as her hand gently caresses his cheek. "What's going on?"

"Addie," he chokes out, still holding her close. "There's something I need to tell you."

* * *

A/N 2: So, I went back and forth on this chapter. I was considering scrapping it, but then when I was shopping, I heard "Come On, Eileen" playing in two different stores, and that seemed like a pretty clear sign that I should do something with this chapter. So, I cleaned it up and tried to get it up ASAP. I also realize that this little personal anecdote could lend to some eyebrow-raising about where I go shopping … I swear I shop at normal stores.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind reviews on the last chapter! I wasn't sure about it since the tone was pretty different from the rest of the story and I didn't want to meander too much, so hearing your thoughts definitely meant a lot to me.

Here's the next chapter. It's on the longer side. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"Derek," Addison chokes. "What is it? What is it you're not telling me?"

They're sitting on the couch in his office. His arm is wrapped around her waist. His eyes are misty and sunken in.

She knows whatever he's about to say is bad.

"Addie, it's about Vivian."

"No," Addison breathes as tears spring to her eyes. "No. Derek. She's okay, right? She has to be okay. Derek, what happened?"

"I … I got a page." He swallows thickly. "911. I rushed to Vivian's room as quickly as I could." He shakes his head sadly. "She'd had a seizure. A really bad one."

"What?" Addison gulps in disbelief. "No." Her fingers desperately reach for his as she clings to him closely. And he clings back. "Derek, is she …?" But she can't get out the rest. "Is she …?"

"The doctors and nurses in her hospital room said she was too far gone. And she signed a DNR."

"No," Addison whimpers, burying her head in his scrub top, her hot tears soaking the flimsy fabric. "But I never got to … She wasn't supposed to … She can't …"

She can't complete her sentences. There are no words for something like this. All she can do is cry … loudly and ungracefully.

"I ignored it," Derek whispers.

She looks up at him, her eyes red and raw. "What?"

"The DNR. I ignored it."

Addison swallows thickly as she takes in what Derek is saying. "Is she …?"

"Alive," Derek fills in quietly. "Yeah. She is."

"Really?" Addison asks in disbelief.

"Really."

She collapses in her husband's arms and buries her head in the crook of his neck as a wave of fresh tears begins to fall.

"Thank you," she whispers, her arms encircling his neck. "Thank you so much, Derek."

He nods mutely as he pulls her closer. It doesn't feel right saying you're welcome.

"It doesn't look good, Addie," he admits after a minute. "Vivian's alive, but …"

He finds himself unable to finish that sentence. He delivers this type of news to patients and their families day-in and day-out without even flinching. But delivering this type of news to Addison … it's a completely different story.

She doesn't say anything. Just clings to him desperately as she continues to cry into his scrub top.

"Addie?" he prods gently.

"I'm okay," she mumbles into his shirt.

He can literally feel her shaking against him. "No." He presses a kiss to her hair. "No, you're not."

She shakes her head in defeat. She's not okay. She reluctantly pulls away from her husband and meets his eyes. She's shaking and nauseous and literally feels like she might collapse at any moment.

"You ignored the DNR?" she asks quietly, struggling for some semblance of composure.

He nods. "Richard's furious with me, but … I had to."

"Thank you," she whispers, tears and mascara staining her cheeks.

He nods. Again, it doesn't feel right to say you're welcome.

Sure, Richard is angry with him, and Derek gets that. But he'd do it again in a heartbeat. He wasn't about to give up on Vivian without a fight. And the look in Addison's eyes makes Richard's anger totally and completely worth it.

"Once she regains a little strength, we'll run some tests. And we'll—"

But she cuts him off, crashing her lips against his, kissing him deeply and pulling him on top of her.

"Add—" he struggles.

"Please, Derek," she begs, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in closer.

He kisses her back. He knows he shouldn't. But he does anyway.

He can feel her trembling against him. He can taste her salty tears on her lips.

He pulls away.

"Derek, please." She wraps her arms around him and desperately tries to pull him back on top of her. But he doesn't budge.

"I can't," he says quietly. "Not like this."

He can see the hurt in her eyes. She looks broken, devastated … so vulnerable. And that's exactly why he can't do it.

She's hurting. And when she's hurting, she doesn't think clearly. And he doesn't want to take advantage of her vulnerability.

That's something Mark does.

And he _needs_ to believe his own relationship with Addison is different.

He's oversimplifying things and he knows it. But right now he can't handle the nuances of Addison and Mark. Because if he starts down that path, he'll most likely get angry. And right now he can't be angry. Right now, he needs to be able to comfort Addison. He _wants_ to be able to comfort her.

He gently pulls her into his lap and wraps his arms around her. Intimacy without sex—another difference between him and Mark. He can give her that. He likes to think Mark can't.

"I ruined your shirt," she mumbles, gesturing to his tear and mascara-stained scrub top.

"Don't worry about it," he answers automatically. The last thing he needs her worrying about right now is a stupid scrub top.

His eyes travel down to the envelope she's holding in her left hand. He hadn't noticed it until now.

"What's that?"

She gulps back a wave of fresh tears. "I'm being sued. I just got served."

"What?"

She nods her head in defeat.

His ears are ringing. He can literally feel the blood coursing through his veins.

"Seriously?"

She's too focused on choking back tears to respond. And without thinking about what he's doing, he springs up from his couch in his office and races through the hallway, leaving a stunned and confused Addison behind.

He doesn't know how he knows that Sean is in the hospital. He just does. And he doesn't know why he knows to go directly to the cafeteria. Intuition, he supposes.

But when he arrives at the cafeteria, in record time, he sees Sean sitting there, picking at a salad. He only met her briefly, and it was years ago, but he recognizes her. And he wastes no time storming over to her.

"You've got a lot of nerve, you know that?"

She looks up at him in confusion. "Excuse me, do I know you?" she asks mildly.

"You're suing my wife," Derek retorts. "For doing exactly what you asked her to do."

"Is that what she's telling you?"

"She doesn't need to tell me anything," Derek shouts. "I was there. I was there when she performed the surgery. _And_ I was there when you thanked her profusely."

"That was five years ago," Sean points out. "A lot can change in five years."

Derek can't deny the truth in Sean's statement as he instantaneously thinks about him and Addison. Their marriage has certainly changed over five years. Maybe Sean has a point.

"It doesn't matter," Derek persists, taking an aggressive step toward Sean. "Addison did exactly what you asked her to do. She did what no other doctor was willing or able to do. She saved your daughter's life!"

"That's debatable," Sean says coolly. "My daughter will never have a chance at a normal life. Your wife failed to mention that. She failed to mention that Gwen's spina bifida would tear our family apart, drive my husband away, and make every day a challenge. So, I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd, but when you say your wife saved my daughter's life … well, I have a hard time agreeing with you there."

"She gave your daughter a chance," Derek screams back. "Which is more than you can say about anyone else." He glares at Sean hatefully. "I'm sorry your husband left. And I'm sorry that Gwen's life and your life didn't turn out the way you planned. But that does not give you the right to make up these bullshit lies and try to damage the career and reputation of the one person who has tried to help you since day one. Since before day one, actually," he seethes. "So if I were you, I'd march your sorry ass back to your attorney and—"

"What the hell is going on down here?"

Derek turns, breathing heavily. "Chief?"

"I said what's going on?" Richard demands. "Do you know how many noise complaints I've received?" He looks at Derek pointedly. "I could hear you yelling from my office. Now I'm going to ask you one more time, what in the world is going on?"

"It's private," Derek mutters, still out of breath.

"It's not private," Sean counters. "I'm suing his wife for wrongful birth and he freaked out."

"Because there is no lawsuit!" Derek shouts back. "Addison did exactly what she wanted her to do." He glares at Sean hatefully. "You're being opportunistic and you know it. And I'm not freaking out."

"No," Richard mutters, rolling his eyes. "You're the picture of calm." He turns to Sean. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Sean," Derek inserts. "Sean Petrucci."

"Sean," Richard says, offering her a reconciliatory smile. "Why don't we talk in my office?" He turns to Derek. "Shepherd, why don't you take a few minutes to compose yourself?"

"I'm calm," Derek insists.

"Right. Of course. Why don't you take a few minutes to yourself, then? To, um … enhance your calm."

"Fine."

He watches Richard and Sean's retreating forms, still shooting daggers at Sean as she walks away. He's about to go find Addison when he feels a light hand on his shoulder. He turns and sees Meredith standing there in front of him.

"You're not okay." Statement not question.

"I'm fine."

"Derek, you're yelling at everyone who crosses your path. This isn't you."

He sighs and turns her words over in his head. She's right and wrong. McDreamy doesn't yell. Derek does.

 _You don't wanna yell? You?_

 _You could yell if you want to. I can take it, I'm ready._

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "That woman is a horrible mother," he mutters, purposefully changing the topic. "And a miserable human being."

"Sounds a lot like my mother," Meredith shrugs.

Derek feels his throat tighten at that. It's not the same and he knows it.

From what he's heard about Ellis Grey, he knows she wasn't a gold-star mother. But she's not in the same league as Sean. And the comparison is kind of insulting.

Ellis Grey never tried to exploit her daughter's very existence for money. Quite the opposite, actually. Meredith is living in her mother's house, rent-free. Because of who her mother is Meredith has the financial stability that most medical interns don't. (And he'd venture to guess that the trip Meredith took across Europe was also financed by Ellis Grey). While he, of course, knows that money is no replacement for love and emotional security, it's also pretty clear that Meredith has had no qualms with enjoying her mother's wealth.

Maybe he's off base. But he suspects he's not.

But that doesn't even scratch the surface of why it's unfair to compare Ellis Grey to Sean Petrucci. Ellis Grey isn't attempting to ruin his wife's reputation just because her own life didn't work out the way she'd planned. Again, quite the opposite. From what he's gathered, Ellis' personal life wasn't what she'd dreamed it would be. But she went to work every day and saved lives. She inspired surgeons.

He feels the anger building in his throat and he knows he needs to walk away before he says or does something that McDreamy wouldn't do.

"I should have some lunch," Derek mutters. "I get short-tempered when I'm hungry."

Meredith nods. "Food's always a good thing."

He shrugs halfheartedly. He's actually not drastically affected by hunger. As a surgeon who spends hours on end operating on patients, he can't be. But Meredith doesn't know this about him. And he kind of likes that.

Fresh start, clean slate.

"Eat with me?"

She looks at him warily. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Why not? We both need to eat, don't we?"

"I guess, but … No, I guess you're right."

Derek smiles in satisfaction. "I usually am."

And as he and Meredith eat lunch together, he can't help thinking about how easy things are with her. How uncomplicated things are.

Of course, this thought immediately spawns another thought. A thought he wishes he could forget, but can't.

He knows Meredith is saying something, but he's somewhere else completely. Somewhere far away. Elven-plus years away, to be exact.

 _~ I hear the clock tick and think of you ~_

" _You've been married a while, right?"_

 _Derek's mentor, Edward, looks at him in surprise. "Twenty-one years."_

" _That's a long time," Derek nods. "Did you write your own vows?"_

" _No. We didn't. It was a very traditional ceremony."_

" _Oh." Derek runs a hand through his hair. "Addison and I are writing our own vows."_

" _How's that going?"_

 _Derek shrugs. "It's harder than I thought it would be. These could very well be the most important words I ever say to Addison. And I … I want to get it right."_

" _Do you want my two cents?"_

" _Always."_

" _These won't be the most important words you ever say to Addison. They're important, yes. But weddings are happy occasions; it's easy to say and do the right things when things are going well. I've found that it's what you do and say when things aren't going well that matters most. The good times are easy. The bad times, less so." He sighs. "Traditional wedding vows may not be the most inspired things in the world, but they do a nice job reminding us that marriage isn't just about committing to the good times."_

" _For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health," Derek recites quietly._

" _Exactly," Edward nods. "Anyone can commit to the good times. But it's what you do and say in the bad times that really show your true colors. Do you shut down and walk away? Or do you stay and fight? Do you make everything about you? Or do you try to see things from the other person's perspective?" He shrugs lightly. "That's probably more than you wanted to hear."_

" _No, no," Derek insists. "I should be taking notes. Thank you, Edward. That was …" he swallows thickly. "More helpful than you probably realize._

 _~ Confusion is nothing new ~_

He didn't have much of an appetite before, and he certainly doesn't have one now. Not with the guilt and nausea that are curdling in his stomach.

 _I, Derek, take thee, Addison, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do us part._

But what about adultery? There's no stipulation for that in the wedding vows.

Still, he can't help thinking about his mentor's words. _Do you shut down and walk away? Or do you stay and fight? Do you make everything about you? Or do you try to see things from the other person's perspective?_

When he's being totally and completely honest with himself, Derek knows he's not fighting for his marriage.

But he's also not sure it's worth it.

But maybe it is.

Because when he's being totally and completely honest with himself, he knows he and Meredith are still in the honeymoon phase. He's still on his best behavior around her. They haven't overcome any monumental struggles together … like med school or his sister's addiction or the deaths of their relatives.

Hell, he hasn't even told her about his dad.

Maybe it's because, to her, he's McDreamy … and bad things don't happen to McDreamy. Or maybe it's because the most raw and vulnerable pieces of his life still firmly belong to someone else.

"Derek, you're not eating," Meredith says, cutting into his thoughts.

Derek looks up from his salad in surprise. "Huh?"

"I thought you said you were hungry."

"Oh, I …" He fiddles with his salad a bit before giving up. "I guess I'm not."

Meredith looks at him closely. "Derek, I know you're not okay. But you need to be okay, you know? Because you're sitting here and stuff, but it's like I don't even know you."

He makes an attempt at a rebuttal. But it's weak, at best. Because deep down, he couldn't agree more.

xxxxx

She's making her way toward Vivian's room, but when she sees that Vivian already has a visitor, she decides not to go in. Instead, she lingers in the doorway, close enough to hear everything, but far enough away to go unnoticed.

Vivian is lying in bed, sedated, and Richard is sitting by her side talking to her.

"You're the only one around this place who knows them as well as I do," Richard begins. "So, you'd get it." He shakes his head. "There's something about Addison and Derek Shepherd that makes them public interest stories. It was like that in New York, and it's like that here." He sighs. "Of course, in New York, it was relatively harmless … idle gossip … mostly people betting on when she'd get pregnant. But here," he continues, looking down at his hands, "here's it's not so lighthearted. Here it's vicious." He runs a hand across his face. "Derek lost it on a woman who's suing Addison," he confides, chuckling slightly. "I had to act like I was angry with him … just like I had to pretend I was angry with him for ignoring your DNR. But the truth is I'm proud of him. I can't tell him that, but … well, you know how that goes. It's just … the Derek Shepherd who moved out to Seattle isn't the Derek Shepherd I remember." He rolls his eyes. "The interns call him McDreamy. And he lets them. But today … when he defended Addison, it was like old times." A small smile forms on his face. "Hey, do you remember that time when …?"

Vivian, of course, can't answer. But Addison knows exactly what Richard's referring to.

And she can't help remembering.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Haven't we waited long enough? When are you going to give us some information?"_

 _Addison looks at her patient's husband. "I know the wait is hard, Kevin," she begins sympathetically. "We're just waiting for a couple more tests to come back, and then—"_

" _Then what?!" the husband demands, cutting her off. "This was supposed to be a routine checkup. We've been here for hours. My wife has taken seven different tests, she's had three different ultrasounds, and we've met with two different Dr. Shepherds," he concludes angrily, gesturing in Derek's direction for emphasis._

" _I know," Addison says compassionately. "And I'm sorry. I know this is hard."_

" _Oh, do you?" Kevin retorts sarcastically. "I bet the fact that you're getting paid to be here makes it a lot less hard for you, huh? Listen," he continues, taking an aggressive step toward Addison, "We've been waiting here for hours, and you are literally the most incompetent, idiotic per—"_

" _Shut the hell up!" Derek thunders, stepping in between his wife and Kevin. He glares at Kevin hatefully. "Look, Kevin, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. But I've been practicing medicine for a while … and usually when a doctor orders seven different tests and performs three different ultrasounds, it's not to give you a good prognosis. So, if the labs come back, and your son needs medical attention ... which I'm fairly confident he will … it's probably not the smartest idea to insult the doctors you'll need to save his life."_

" _But I—"_

" _And just so we're on the same page," Derek continues dryly. "If your definition of the most incompetent, idiotic person you know is a double-board certified surgeon and one of the most highly sought out doctors in the country … well, then you must know a lot fucking-smart people, Kevin. So, why don't you quit harassing my wife and start comforting yours?"_

 _Kevin rolls his eyes. "Double-board certified," he sniffs. "Only because she slept her way to the—"_

" _Say one more word like that about my wife, and I'll put you in a permanent coma."_

" _I'd like to see you try. I'd like to—"_

" _Derek, come on," Addison says, taking her husband's arm, before a fight erupts. "He's not worth it."_

 _She drags him out into the hallway before he has time to argue. She can be surprisingly strong when she wants to be._

" _You should have let me deck him," Derek mutters._

" _And risk your career? Absolutely not."_

" _Well, how about the way he disrespected you and your career?" He shakes his head. "Addison, you worked really hard to get where you are, and I'm not going to let some asshole try to take that away from you."_

 _A small smile spreads across Addison's face. "Thanks, Derek. That … means a lot. But what about your career? You worked really hard to get where you are too. You love medicine."_

 _Derek shrugs. "I love you more."_

" _Derek."_

" _It's true," he insists. "Addison, I'm your husband. I'm not going to stand there and let someone hurt you. That goes for our patient's jerk of a husband … and anyone else. They have to go through me first."_

" _Der—"_

" _And I know … I know you can handle yourself. Trust me, it's one of the many reasons I love you. But, you also have someone in your corner," he says, pressing a kiss to her temple. "Always."_

 _Addison can't help the smile that's forming on her face. She firmly believes she has the greatest husband in the world, and moments like this only strengthen her conviction._

" _Always is a long time," she tells Derek, her voice thick._

" _I know," he smiles. "Every day until eternity."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"I was so proud of him," Richard admits, ripping Addison from her thoughts. "Especially when he threatened to put the patient's husband in a permanent coma." He shakes his head. "Again, I had to pretend to be angry at him. But how could I be? And I'm telling you, Vivian, when I saw Derek in the cafeteria today yelling at Sean Petrucci … I felt like I was being transported back in time." He lowers his voice as though sharing a secret. "I think he still loves Addison. I know he does. And deep down I think he knows he does too. I think he's just too scared to admit it. Too scared or too proud or—"

But he cuts himself off. Vivian is stirring. She's waking up.

"Vivian?" Richard says softly. "How are you? Take your time," he advises gently as she acclimates to her surroundings. "Your body has been through a lot. Take your time."

"You're right," Vivian mumbles groggily.

"Excuse me?" Richard asks in confusion.

Vivian yawns. Her voice is exhausted, but perfectly comprehensible. "Whatever you were saying before … I didn't catch the gist of it … actually, I didn't catch any of it. But you sounded serious. I've known you for a long time, Richard, and whenever you sound that serious, you're usually right."

Richard chuckles, but he quickly grows serious as he thinks about Addison and Derek. "In this situation I suspect I'm right. At least, I hope I am."

Vivian nods and gives him an exhausted smile. "I hope you're right too."

From her spot in the doorway, Addison feels a shiver run up her spine. Vivian is awake and alert—that in itself is monumental enough.

But Vivian is also optimistic about her and Derek. When Weiss was optimistic about their marriage, Addison dismissed it.

But Vivian's different.

Hearing Vivian say positive things about her marriage—despite the fact that Vivian has no idea what she and Richard are talking about—makes something in Addison shift.

For the first time in a long time, she feels something different. Something she hasn't felt in a long time. Something that isn't quite hope, but closely resembles it.

And right now, maybe that's enough.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Thank you so much for your very kind response to the last chapter! I really appreciate your reviews and hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

* * *

"Did you really ignore my DNR?" Vivian asks, her eyes sparkling.

"I did."

If Addison didn't know any better, she would think the past several hours hadn't happened. Vivian is awake and articulate. She's her wonderful self again. And Addison and Derek are sitting together by her bedside.

"You know you're supposed to follow protocol," Vivian chides lightly.

Derek shrugs. "I don't regret my decision."

Vivian nods in concession. "Thank you, Derek," she says sincerely.

Derek smiles back at her warmly. And as he takes in the looks of appreciation on Vivian and Addison's faces, there's no doubt in his mind he made the right call.

"So," Vivian sighs as she looks from Derek to Addison. "Would one of you like to kill the mood in here, or should I do it?"

Addison's throat goes dry. She knows exact where Vivian's head is at—next steps.

"Vivian, we don't have to. Not today."

"Addie," Derek says gently. And she feels tears sting her eyes. She knows time is of the essence in situations like these.

But right now, things are good. Vivian is talking and laughing and wonderful. And she'd give anything for things to stay that way.

"We need to run some more tests," Derek says delicately. "I want to figure out what caused that seizure."

Vivian nods in agreement. "And when's the best time to do so?"

The sides of Derek's mouth twitch upwards. He can tell from the tone of Vivian's voice that she's not asking as a patient. She's asking as a teacher.

"Tomorrow morning," he answers earnestly. "I want to run the tests as soon as possible, but you need some time to recover ... especially considering I was performing chest compressions on you mere hours ago."

"You did a good job," Vivian approves. "No broken ribs or anything."

Addison shakes her head in amusement. If only they could all stay in this little world where everything's light and easy.

One thing's for sure, she's going to try.

She shoots her husband a teasing smile. "If you're doing it right, you're supposed to break a couple of ribs."

Derek gestures cockily to Vivian, who is very much alive. "I think I did it right, Honey."

Addison feels a sense of warmth spread across her chest. He called her honey. On purpose. And it felt good. It felt right. And today, very little has felt right.

She's thinking this crazy day is finally winding down—calming down—when her pager buzzes. She glances at Derek, who's reaching for his pager in his pocket. Apparently, they got the same page.

"It's from Karev," she mutters, reading her page. "911."

Derek nods. "Mine too." He turns to Vivian. "I'm going to have someone—"

"Go," Vivian says, cutting Derek off. "I know you're going to assign someone to monitor me. And I know it's protocol to explain this to me in detail. But I also know you both received a page that says 911, and with those types of pages, every second counts. So go. Save lives."

They do what they're told. You don't argue with Vivian Carlsmith … you just don't. And in record time, they're in the ER.

"What have we got Karev?" Addison asks as she quickly consults the patient's chart.

"I don't know," Alex mumbles.

"Karev, you better know," Addison insists, handing the patient's chart to Derek.

"I said I don't—"

"Is she going to be okay?" a concerned man cuts in.

Addison quickly assesses the man, giving him a once over. "And you are...?"

"He's the guy who did this to her," Alex interjects, gesturing to their pregnant, concussed, and very beat-up patient.

"How dare you?" the man demands. He turns to Addison. "I'm her husband. She fell down the stairs."

"Bullshit!" Alex snaps. "Look at her! Does she look like someone who fell down a flight of stairs?"

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"I'm calling you a piece of shit," Alex fumes. "I'm calling you a—"

"Karev," Addison snaps. "That's enough." She turns to the husband. "Your wife is in critical condition. We need to evaluate her immediately. And there's a good chance we'll need to operate. I need you to stay out here, and we'll send someone out here to update you when there's an update to give."

"He doesn't deserve it," Alex grumbles as they rush the patient into the OR. "You should have thrown that piece of shit out on his ass."

"Hang some blood," Addison instructs one of the surgical nurses, purposefully ignoring Alex.

"She's got a brain bleed," Derek assesses. "And a really deep gash on her head. I need to operate immediately." He turns to Addison. "How's the baby?"

She quickly performs an ultrasound and meets Derek's eyes. "Strong heartbeat, BP's stable, no signs of fetal distress."

"Good."

Addison nods. "The baby's a fighter."

"That'll serve him well," Alex mutters angrily. "He's about to be born into a family where his dad beats the shit out of his mom ... Yeah, he's going to need to be a fighter. Because it's only a matter of time before his old man starts hitting him."

"Karev," Addison reprimands. "I need you to focus on the medicine." She turns to her husband. "Derek, I'm concerned about the bruising around her left eye."

Derek nods. "I think—"

"So that's it?" Alex cuts in, looking at Addison with a mixture of disgust and disbelief. "You're going to let this woman's jerk of a husband get away with this, aren't you? You're not going to put a stop to this."

"Karev, I'm a doctor, not a police officer. My concern is saving the mother and baby's lives."

"Why? So they can return to a situation where they routinely get the crap beat out of them? How the hell is that saving their lives?"

"Karev, I need you to calm down," Addison warns. "I took an oath. We all did."

"Addison, the mother can't wait," Derek cuts in. "I need you to—"

"Of course," Addison nods.

"Thank you."

"And I'll let you know if—"

"Yeah," Derek nods. "That sounds good."

Addison turns to Alex. "Derek is going to—"

"Don't waste your breath," Alex interrupts, rolling his eyes.

"Excuse me?" Addison snaps. She glares at her intern. "This is a teaching hospital, Karev. And whether or not you like it, I'm here to teach and you're here to learn."

"Trust me, I'm learning plenty," Alex growls. "You're going to save the mother so she can go crawling back to her asshole husband. They're going to bring a baby into the world. The husband's going to continue to beat the shit out of both his wife and his son. And he'll continue to get away with it. What else do you possibly have to teach me in a situation like this?"

"I can teach you not to get emotionally attached," Addison fumes. "Do you honestly think you're the first doctor to ever see themselves in a case? When it comes to medicine, you can't let your own experiences—"

"Addie," Derek warns lightly, shaking his head.

"What?" She snaps, glaring at her husband.

He doesn't say anything. Just gives her a look. It's a look that would be lost on anyone else; but Addison understands it perfectly. And as she looks from her husband to Karev, and takes in the vulnerability in her intern's eyes, she knows she's toeing a line.

"It's important to put the medicine first," Addison continues. This time, her tone is deliberately neutral. Gentle, even. "I deal with rape cases and struggling babies all the time. And sometimes it's hard not to become emotionally involved. It's something I struggled with. It's something I still struggle with. And I'm not saying you have to be a robot in here, because you don't. But learning to keep your emotions in check ... it'll make you a better doctor."

Alex nods mutely. And Addison isn't sure if he's doing it simply to placate her, or if maybe he's actually listening to what she's saying.

In any case, they don't have much time.

"Ten-blade," Derek requests. And he begins to operate.

In the end, the surgery is easier than Addison and Derek had anticipated. Derek is able to stop the brain bleed fairly quickly and the baby's stats stay normal the whole time.

"That's one tough baby," Addison marvels as Derek closes the incision. She briefly glances at Alex and watches him stiffen.

"Now what?" Alex asks flatly.

"What do you think?" Addison asks him, flipping into teacher mode.

"Well, um, recovery, obviously." He scans the patient's injuries. "Probably three days in the hospital."

Addison nods. "We better bump it up to a week."

"A week?" Alex raises an eyebrow.

Addison looks at her intern squarely. "Do you think a week is too long?"

"I guess she technically had brain surgery," he concedes. "But it seemed pretty minor as far as brain surgeries go, so …"

"Your instincts are exactly right, Karev," Addison reassures, rewarding him with a proud smile. "Typically this type of surgery requires patients to spend three days in the hospital recovering. But a week buys us some more time."

"More time?"

She meets his eyes. "To get protective services involved."

She watches Alex's face crumple. It's a blink-and-you'll miss it type moment, but she catches it. And from the look on Derek's face, she knows he saw it too.

She turns to Derek and Alex. "Why don't you two update the husband? I'm going to get the police involved before her injuries start healing," she continues, gesturing toward their patient, who's being wheeled out for post-ops.

Alex nods dutifully and he and Derek start to walk away.

"Oh, and, Karev?" Addison calls out.

"Yeah?" he asks, turning to face her.

"This should go without saying, but I swear if you so much as lay a finger on our patient's husband, I'll have you assigned to the pit for the remainder of your intern year. Understand?"

Alex grumbles something in response as he and Derek walk away.

He rolls his eyes and turns to Derek. "Is she always like this?"

Derek chuckles. "Believe it or not, Karev, this is her way of showing she cares."

xxxxx

To his credit, Alex doesn't pummel the patient's husband or bash his head into the linoleum floor … or do any of the things he threatened to do on the walk over to talk to him.

It's too late to go back home. So, Derek stops at Joe's for a nightcap. Addison will join him when she's finished talking to the police.

He walks into the bar and sees Alex sitting there, nursing a beer.

"Is this seat taken?" he asks, gesturing to the empty barstool next to the intern.

Alex shrugs. "It's all yours."

"Thanks," Derek says, sitting down next to Alex and ordering a scotch.

"Where's the Mrs.?" Alex asks raising an eyebrow.

Derek shakes his head disapprovingly. " _Dr. Shepherd_ is finishing up some things back at the hospital. She'll be here soon."

"Police stuff?" Alex asks quietly.

"Yeah."

Alex nods and takes a long sip of his beer. "How did she know?"

"Know what?"

"In the OR, she told me I wasn't the first doctor to ever personally relate to a case." He stares into his glass. "And you told her to cool it. How did she know? How did you know?"

Derek swallows roughly. "Addison has a history of getting emotionally attached to patients." He swirls his scotch around in his glass for a moment and meets Alex's eyes. "When we were interns, Richard tried to break her of this. He told her she was responsible for a baby he knew was going to die. And when the baby died, Addison took it hard." He shakes his head. "She didn't talk to Richard for months."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "That's how she knew?" he asks in surprise. "That's how you knew?"

"No," Derek says quietly. "It's not."

He doesn't need to tell Alex how they knew. And he's not sure he wants to. Because it involves sharing a piece of himself that he hasn't shared with anyone from Seattle—not even Meredith.

But never-the-less …

 _~ Secrets stolen from deep inside ~_

" _Call it," Derek's attending, Brian Ruddell, instructs._

" _No," Derek insists. "We can still save him."_

" _Shepherd, I said call it," Brian repeats, this time more forcefully._

" _No," Derek persists. "We can't just give up like this." He gestures to the patient on the table. "This man is a father. He has a son. We have to save him."_

" _No, he was a father," Brian corrects. "He had a son."_

" _He still does," Derek disagrees._

" _Shepherd, give it up."_

 _Addison, who has also been assisting on the surgery, swallows thickly as she looks at the patient on the operating table in front of her._

 _And she sees him with fresh eyes … from Derek's perspective._

 _Forty-two-year-old man, shot in the head … just like Derek's dad. They can't save him … just like the doctors couldn't save Derek's dad._

" _You can all give up," Derek continues as he starts chest compressions. "But I'm not."_

" _Shepherd, what the hell are you doing?" Brian demands._

" _Saving this man's life," Derek pants, not looking up. "Come on," he begs his lifeless patient as he continues compressions. "Don't give up on me."_

" _Derek, it's too late."_

" _It's not too late!" Derek insists. "It can't be too late."_

" _Give it up, Shepherd."_

" _No!" Derek insists. "This is why I became a doctor. For cases like this. For cases exactly like this."_

" _Derek," Addison says gently, moving to her fiancé's side._

" _Give him mouth to mouth, Addison," Derek instructs breathlessly. "Come on, we can save him."_

" _Derek," Addison repeats, firmly placing her hand on his arm. "Derek, look at his stats."_

" _I don't care."_

" _I know you don't. And I get it. I do. I just …" She steps in between Derek and the patient and for a moment they just stare at each other._

" _Ad—"_

" _Look at me, Derek."_

" _Addison, I need to—"_

" _Look at me."_

" _Ad—"_

" _Saving this patient isn't going to bring your dad back, Derek."_

 _She says it quietly—almost inaudibly. No one else hears her. But he does—loud and clear._

 _He swallows roughly, unshed tears burning the back of his throat._

" _Time of death 13:26."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"I spent two hours in an on-call room with Addison after that," Derek admits, draining the last of his scotch. "Crying like a small child." He shakes his head. "I think I cried more that day in the on-call room than I did the day my dad was shot. I know I cried more that day than I did at my dad's funeral. I don't know …" he trails off quietly. "I guess I had this naïve dream that if I became a doctor, I could make up for what happened to my dad. I thought maybe I could prevent things like that from tearing other people's families apart. And that case … and not being able to save a father who'd been shot in the head … it just hit too close to home."

Alex runs a hand through his hair and looks at Derek sympathetically. "Your dad was shot?" he asks quietly.

Derek nods. "Yeah. Right in front of me and my youngest sister."

"I … had no idea. I'm sorry."

Derek swallows roughly. It's, um, not really something I talk about much. Especially around here."

Alex nods and drains the rest of his beer. "I haven't spoken to my old man in years."

Derek looks at him intently, silently urging him to continue.

"He used to beat the shit out of my mom. And then … he started hitting me too. That's why I took up wrestling."

Derek feels his throat go dry. Based on this evening's events, he'd suspected as much. But there was something about hearing Alex say it out loud—in his own words—that made it real.

"I'm sorry, Karev," Derek says sincerely. "I—"

"Can I get you another round?" Joe interrupts.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sure," Derek stammers.

"Good," Joe smiles. "So, another scotch for you, Dr. Shepherd? And another beer for you, Karev?"

"No," Derek cuts in, before Alex can agree. "Two scotches. Bring Dr. Karev a scotch as well."

Alex looks at Derek in confusion. "I don't drink scotch."

"Have you ever had good scotch?" Derek asks.

Alex shrugs. "Not as good as the stuff you drink."

"Well, tonight you're having the good stuff. And I'm treating." He smiles broadly and turns to Joe. "Two single-malt scotches please."

Joe nods and seconds later he returns with their drinks.

"Cheers, Karev," Derek says, holding his scotch glass up.

"Cheers."

Derek watches Karev take a sip and looks at him questioningly. "So …?"

"It's good," Alex admits. "But I'm pretty sure I'm a beer guy."

"I used to think the same thing," Derek chuckles. "You'll come around to it." He shakes his head. "Vivian, Addison's mentor, actually bought me my first good scotch."

"Really?" He looks at Derek closely. "Vivian Carlsmith who's currently at Seattle Grace?"

Derek nods.

Alex chuckles. "I wouldn't have guessed that."

A slight smile comes to his face as he remembers Vivian's words from all those years ago. And he finds himself repeating them.

"You know, Karev, this scotch isn't free."

"What?" Alex asks in confusion. "But you just said—"

"I'm going to say the same thing to you that Vivian said to me," Derek explains, giving Alex a small smile. "Tonight, the scotch is on me. But when you get your first attending job, I expect you to pay me back by buying me two glasses of scotch."

Alex's eyes narrow in surprise. "She made you buy her two glasses?"

"No," Derek says, shaking his head. "She only made me buy her one. But you have to get me two."

"Why?"

Derek smiles at the intern broadly. "One for me and one for Addison."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really liked writing it, and loved hearing your thoughts! Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"You were really good in there tonight," Derek murmurs as he and Addison finally begin to settle down for bed.

They're exhausted and decided to spend the night at the hospital in order to get some extra sleep. Not to mention, the couch in Derek's office is probably more comfortable than the bed in his trailer.

"Addison?" Derek repeats when she meets his compliment with silence.

"I didn't do much," she shrugs. "You were the one who operated, Derek."

"You taught Karev."

"I pushed too far."

"You almost pushed too far," Derek corrects. "We both know if you'd actually pushed too far, you'd be beating yourself up right now." He gives her a slight smile. "And we both know you're not."

Addison nods in concession. Derek's right. She's being hard on herself for toeing the line between appropriate and inappropriate. But at the end of the day she was able to turn it into a teachable moment. And maybe—just maybe—the lesson will stick.

"Thanks, Derek."

"For what?"

"For knowing that about me." Her voice is vulnerable. Her eyes are glistening with tears she's too proud to let fall. "And for saving Vivian. Thanks for giving her more time." She swallows thickly. "Thanks for giving me more time."

"Ad—"

He cuts himself off when he realizes he doesn't know how to respond ... not verbally, at least. Normally, he'd say something reassuring. But he can't do that here. So he pulls her into his arms, stroking her hair and holding her close.

He knows just by the way she feels in his arms that she's exhausted. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he knows her body as well as his own.

"You're tired," she murmurs, cutting into his thoughts, and wrapping her arms around him more securely.

"I was just thinking the same thing about you," he admits. "Come on." He wraps an arm around her waist and leads her over to the couch. "Let's get some sleep."

He lays down first, his back pressed against the couch, and she slots in in front of him, her back against him. He automatically drapes his arm over her, and she releases the breath she didn't realize she was holding.

Sleeping in the trailer still feels foreign to her.

But over the years, they've fallen asleep together countless times on one of their office couches, so this feels familiar.

This feels comfortable.

"I like the couch you chose for your office," Addison murmurs into the darkness.

She means it too. The mocha leather couch in Derek's office may be the only thing Derek owns in Seattle that doesn't look like it belongs to a wood-chopping fisherman.

"'My couch back home is better," Derek mumbles tiredly.

Addison smiles in the darkness. She picked out Derek's office couch in New York. Actually, she bought it for him.

She had an off-white leather couch in her office. Derek used to say it was ridiculously expensive for an office couch. But he was also the first to admit it was ridiculously comfortable. Addison would frequently find him napping there between surgeries or doing research there.

So she got him the same couch in black for his birthday one year. His and hers couches.

At first he was angry at her for getting him such an extravagant gift. But he came around eventually.

"Do you remember the birthday I got you that couch, Derek?"

He doesn't say anything, and she figures he either doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't want to remember.

She doesn't prompt him to say more. It's already been an emotional day, and the last thing she needs is to start fighting with Derek over a couch.

She closes her eyes and tries to sleep, but she's not tired anymore. So she settles for staring into the darkness.

"Addison?" Derek whispers after a few minutes.

"Yeah?"

"Of course I remember."

 _~ Suitcase of memories ~  
_

" _No looking," she giggles as she leads him—blindfolded by the tie he wore to work—into his office. She positions him in the middle of his office and smiles in satisfaction. "Okay, you can look."_

 _He pulls his tie from over his eyes and his eyes widen in surprise as he takes in the new black leather couch in his office._

 _"Addison, this is too much. Thirty-six isn't even a big birthday."_

 _"Every birthday's a big birthday," Addison insists. And Derek feels his lips twitching upward. His wife always makes a big deal out of birthdays. Thanksgivings, birthdays, and Christmases._

 _"You love the couch in my office," Addison continues. "And the chair in your office is so uncomfortable. I wanted you to have a comfortable couch to do your research and relax on between surgeries." Her eyes darken. "And I wanted us to have another place to—"_

 _But he cuts her off by playfully pushing her onto the new couch, and he immediately jumps on top of her. He's too busy kissing his wife to realize how ridiculously comfortable the couch is. It's a realization he'll reach eventually, but right now it's the least of his concerns._

 _Clothes are being discarded and hastily strewn across the room. Addison couldn't care less that her silk shirt is currently draped over Derek's desk lamp and accumulating more and more wrinkles by the second._

 _With her husband on top of her, none of this matters._

 _"I love you," he whispers huskily in her ear, his breath warm against her skin._

 _She flips them so she's straddling him, and kisses him deeply._

 _"Happy birthday, Derek."_

 _~Time after ... Sometimes ~  
_

"I don't think we locked my office door that day," Derek muses, chuckling in the darkness.

"I can't remember."

"We definitely didn't."

"Yeah, well, we were celebrating," Addison defends.

"We were," Derek agrees.

Addison can't see her husband's face, but she knows he's smiling.

"I, uh, when I first moved out to Seattle I tried to order the same couch you got me for my office here, but, um, they don't make the model anymore."

His tone is serious...regretful, even. It takes Addison by surprise.

"They discontinued the couch about two years ago," she tells him.

"Oh."

Again with the sad tone.

"This couch is nice, Derek."

"Not as nice."

She can't argue with him there.

"It's younger," she points out, choosing her words carefully. Nobody would ever use the word younger to describe two couches. But then again she's not talking about couches.

And neither is he.

"Maybe I don't want a younger couch."

He wraps his arms around her securely. It has nothing to do with younger or older. It doesn't even have to do with comfort. It has everything to do with memories. Memories shared and memories still to come.

He knows Addison better than anyone; she knows him better than anyone. And they have the memories to prove it.

When he thinks about it quickly, it's all well and good.

Except it's not. Because there's another memory—Addison and Mark having sex on his bed. And that memory makes him want to take every memory he's ever had or ever will have with Addison and erase them completely.

"You were really great today, Derek," Addison whispers, cutting into Derek's thoughts. "With Vivian … and Sean … and the case with Karev."

Her voice is a heartbreaking combination of raw and appreciative.

And he feels something in him shift.

He doesn't need to figure out forever tonight. He just needs to figure out tonight. And tonight he wants to fall asleep on his office couch with Addison in his arms.

"I was terrified," he admits. "At so many points throughout the day."

He feels instantly lighter. McDreamy can't admit to being anything less than a hundred percent confident. But Derek can. And he has to admit there's something refreshing about that. Something real.

"I was scared too," Addison confesses. "I still am."

He props himself up on his elbow and leans over to press a kiss to her temple.

"Me too."

She snuggles into him and he wraps his arms around her.

"I'm going to hire a lawyer out here," she confides after a moment.

"Yeah?"

She sighs heavily. "I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not going to let Sean ruin my reputation when I did exactly what she asked me to do."

She feels him hug her tighter and she turns in his arms.

"What was that for?"

He smiles into the darkness. "Just because."

She smiles and kisses him softly and turns in his arms.

"Goodnight, Derek."

"Night, Addie."

xxxxx

Morning comes quickly and Addison and Derek are back in Vivian's hospital room, where she's being prepped for additional tests.

"How are you feeling?" Addison asks her mentor in concern.

"Okay," Vivian nods. "Tired, but good."

"Your vitals look good," Derek approves. "I think we're just about ready to get started."

"Are you sure you don't want me to wait right outside while you're having your tests done?" Addison asks.

"No, don't worry about me," Vivian insists.

"I'm happy to do it."

"No, you should do work. Operate … teach." She gives Addison an empathetic look. "At the very least, you should hire a lawyer."

Addison's eyes widen in surprise. "You heard about that?"

"I may have had something to do with that," Derek admits, tinging red.

Vivian chuckles. "The hospital is very gossipy," she says neutrally.

"Yeah, well, we have a bunch of twelve-year-olds working here," Addison mutters dryly.

"Apparently, they gave me a nickname," Vivian continues. "McMentor."

Addison rolls her eyes. "This would never happen in New York."

Vivian shrugs, unaffected. "I've been called worse."

"Me too," Derek agrees.

"Yeah," Addison sighs. "Me too."

She purposefully looks away from Derek when she says this. Sure, she's been called unflattering names by interns and residents over the years. But the most hurtful names she's ever been called are all names he's called her.

Vivian glances from Addison to Derek. The mood in the room has shifted and it's noticeable.

"It looks like you two could use a minute," she says delicately.

Addison shakes her head in disagreement. She's about to insist that everything's fine, but Derek's quicker.

"I think you're right." He motions to his wife. "Let's go into the hallway for a minute."

Addison nods reluctantly, and they make their way into the hallway.

"She's as perceptive as ever," Addison sighs, gesturing toward Vivian's room, a few feet away from where they're standing.

"Yeah." He swallows roughly.

Vivian is about to go in for extensive testing and before she does, he needs to set things right with Addison. He _wants_ to set things right with her.

"Addison?"

"Yes?"

"I just ... about all those names I called you …"

"You mean Satan and adulterous bitch and—"

"Yeah, those." He sighs. "I … I still need some time to figure out …" he gestures to the space between them, "all this. But I don't think you're those things. That much I know."

"I'm pretty sure the rest of the hospital disagrees with you there, Derek." She shakes her head." I don't even know if I agree with you."

"Well, you're wrong," he insists. "And so is everyone at the hospital."

She shrugs indifferently and he pinches the bridge of his nose. He knows she doesn't believe him. He also knows that what she's saying isn't inaccurate. And as much as he hates to admit it, he knows he's not blameless in all of this.

"Addison, I … maybe it's not fair."

She raises an eyebrow in confusion. "What's not fair?"

He sighs. "For as long as I've known you, we've been equals in every way. He shakes his head regretfully. "But not here. Around here, I'm McDreamy ... and you're Satan. And a part of me kind of liked that."

"That's petty."

"I didn't say it's something I'm proud of, Addison. It's just ... we both had affairs. And if you're Satan then … maybe I am too."

Addison shrugs. "Satan's more interesting than McDreamy. Satan has flaws ... _and_ Satan acknowledges them."

Derek looks at her pointedly. "Are you honestly saying you'd rather be Satan?"

"I'd rather be Addison."

( _Or Addie or Honey or Mrs. Shepherd)._

"But if that's not an option …" she trails off, "then … I guess it's better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."

He shakes his head in amusement. "Paradise Lost?"

"Yeah."

"You're so pretentious."

"You got the reference, Derek. What does that make you?"

He considers this for a moment and a broad smile spreads across his face. "It makes me equal to you in every way."

xxxxx

What happened next will forever be etched in his memory. It's not something that time or space or scotch or sex can heal.

He's sitting on the couch in his office, a dull, but gnawing pain building in his stomach. He paged Addison to meet him there. But he doesn't want her to show up.

He'd give anything for time to stand still. But of course, that's not the way things work.

The clacking of her heels against the linoleum floor alerts him that she's close. And the dull pain in his stomach intensifies.

"Hey," she greets her husband as she joins him in his office. "Is everything …"

But she cuts herself off when she sees the look on his face. It's not the calm but sympathetic face he gives to patients and their families when he's about to deliver bad news. Derek looks devastated.

"Addison," he chokes out. His voice is raw and hoarse. "You should … you should sit down."

She does as she's told and meets his eyes. "You got Vivian's results, didn't you?"

He nods and his shoulders slump in defeat. "I'm so sorry."

She closes her eyes, but it does little good against the steady stream of tears sliding down her cheeks.

She clings to him and he clings back. Hard. They sit there for a moment, holding each other, as she sobs in his arms.

"You have to say it," she chokes out, pulling back and putting some space between them. "You have to say it, Derek. It's not real until you say it."

"Addison, I …"

His throat feels like sandpaper. He physically can't get the words out. Every time he tries speak, he feels nauseous.

And Addison looks worse.

He pulls her back into his arms as a fresh wave of tears start coursing down her cheeks. She's crying and shaking … completely undone.

But she deserves answers.

"The glioblastoma spread more than we realized," Derek begins quietly as he strokes Addison's hair. "Farther and faster. So even though we got the largest, most aggressive tumor … it doesn't change much."

"What about some type of chemotherapy?" Addison chokes out weakly.

He shakes his head. "It'll take too much of a toll of her body. And the outcome won't be a positive one." He sighs sadly. "At this point, our best option is to prioritize quality of life. We're going to try to minimize the pain, but we're not going to aggressively try to treat the medical condition."

"I know what prioritizing quality of life means, Derek." She tries to say it coldly, but there's too much vulnerability in her voice to pull it off.

"I know you do," Derek says gently. "I just …"

But he can't get the rest of the sentence out. A sob wracks Addison's body and she collapses in his arms, crying harder and more violently than he's ever seen her—or anyone—cry before.

He hates everything about this. He hates that there's nothing he can do for Vivian. He hates seeing Addison like this. There's nothing about this that he doesn't hate.

But as Addison continues to sob in his arms, a realization dawns on him.

He realizes that, right now, he's exactly where he needs to be … exactly where he _wants_ to be.

And he can't help thinking about his mentor, Edward, and his views on marriage. Edward told him that marriage isn't just about committing to the good time … it's committing to the bad times too.

And in this inarguably, devastatingly awful time, he doesn't want to be with anyone but Addison. And he doesn't want Addison to be with anyone but him. He wants to be the one who comforts her. He doesn't want it to be Mark or some other guy … or even one of her girlfriends. He wants to be there—with her—though the good and the bad. Time after time, after time, after time.

Of course, this isn't a conversation he can have with her now. So he holds her closer and they continue to grieve together.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind response to the last chapter! I'm glad that people are still enjoying this story. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Vivian takes the news with grace and poise. She admits she suspected all along that this would be the case. But still she's as calm and put together as ever.

For Derek, Vivian's composure makes things easier. They're able to talk options—strategize what they do and don't want to do.

But for Addison, Vivian's reaction makes things harder. It's a constant reminder of what a remarkable person Vivian is—so unlike anyone else—and it devastates her beyond words to know there's nothing they can do to save her.

It's been three days since Derek gave Vivian her prognosis. He's cleared his schedule to focus solely on her. Addison has cut back her hours to spend as much time with Vivian as possible … and to focus on her lawsuit.

It's tough because if they didn't know any better, they'd think Vivian was perfectly fine. She's witty and charming and wonderful. But they don't know how long that'll last. And Addison refuses to take a minute for granted.

"So, tell me about the surgery you're performing tomorrow?" Vivian prompts.

She and Addison are in her hospital room deep in conversation. Derek's off getting coffee.

"I'm supposed to perform a bowel obstruction surgery on a two-day-old," Addison answers noncommittally.

Vivian raises an eyebrow. "Supposed to? Why wouldn't you?"

"Well, I—""

"Addison, you better not be thinking about passing up a surgery to spend time with me."

"I just—""

"Addison, you're a surgeon. And you're a teacher. And don't let it go to your head, but you're phenomenal at both."

A smile spreads across Addison's face.

"You're operating tomorrow," Vivian continues. "It's not negotiable."

"Someone else can do it."

"Not as well as you can."

"True," Addison agrees with a smile. "Still..."

"Still nothing," Vivian insists. "And I happen to have it on good authority that the intern you've been mentoring is chomping at the bit to get back on your service."

Addison rolls her eyes. "More hospital gossip?"

"Nope. Dr. Bailey."

Addison smiles. "I'll think about it," she concedes.

"You might as well give in already," Vivian chuckles. "We both know you're going to."

"Only because I've never been good at saying no to you."

Vivian chuckles. "Yeah, well, not to sound too teacher-y, but this is for your own good."

"Vivian, you never have to apologize for sounding too teacher-y." Addison shakes her head. "Not to me."

xxxxx

Vivian's right and Addison knows it. Her two-day-old patient deserves the best. And this could be a good learning experience for Karev.

She's on her way to find Karev when she sees a very familiar scene. The interns are standing there gossiping, completely oblivious to the people around them.

"You could try to look a little less miserable, Karev," Cristina chides. "You're working with Burke today. That's a huge step up for you."

"I guess," Alex shrugs noncommittally.

"Say it isn't so," Cristina gasps in mock surprise. "Karev, you actually like gyne, don't you?"

"I don't hate it," Alex admits flatly. "I get to scrub in on a bunch of surgeries."

"Yeah, gyne surgeries," Cristina rebuts, unimpressed.

"I'd take any surgery right about now," Izzie cuts in. "It's been days since I last scrubbed in."

"Me too," Meredith agrees.

"Well, the Shepherds have been MIA for the past few days," George points out.

"I heard they're with McMentor," Cristina inserts. She lowers her voice. "And I don't think things are looking good."

"You don't know that," Alex disagrees, jamming a hand on his hip.

"I do," Cristina insists. She looks at Alex in surprise. "Why do you care? You were the one who said she was a goner from the onset."

Addison watches the pain flash is Alex's eyes. And honestly she's not surprised. Karev can be disrespectful, but he's a decent guy. As his teacher, it's her responsibility to know that about him. Vivian, of course, taught her that.

"How do you know Vivian isn't doing well?" Alex asks, ripping Addison from his thoughts.

Cristina raises an eyebrow. "Vivian? You're on a first name basis?"

"Come on, Yang."

"Burke told me." She turns to Meredith. "Has McDreamy said anything to you about it?"

"Derek hasn't said anything to me," Meredith complains. "About anything. At all."

A petty part of Addison can't help smiling at this. But at the same time, a small part of her is empathetic. She's been there before, and she knows from experience that it's a miserable place to be.

"If it makes you feel any better, Mer, everyone thinks once this case is over, Addison is going to leave. Derek will divorce her, and things will get back to normal."

"Who's saying that?" Alex demands, glaring at Cristina.

Cristina chuckles. "Don't worry, Karev I'm sure you'll be able to find someone else to teach you gyne. It's a soft specialty anyway. Gynecologists are a dime a dozen."

"Who said Addison's leaving?" Alex demands.

"I told you already," Cristina sighs. Everybody."

"Actually, I heard that too," Izzie admits.

Addison rolls her eyes. Things are getting out of hand—more out of hand—fast.

"Doctors," she cuts in as she approaches them. Her tone is formal. Overly formal.

She watches the interns squirm as they try to determine just how much of their conversation she heard. But she doesn't address their gossip. She doesn't even engage.

"Karev, I have a bowel obstruction tomorrow that I'd like you to assist on."

"Tomorrow?" Karev asks. He's trying to keep his voice neutral, but it's impossible to miss his excitement.

"Yes," Addison nods. "Tomorrow."

"You want me to … assist? Not just watch?"

"That's right. You've watched me perform enough of them." She looks at him sternly. "Study up."

"Uh, Yeah. Yeah. I, um, I will." He pauses for a moment and swallows roughly. "Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes?"

"I was wondering ... is Vivian ... I mean Dr. Carlsmith ... is she okay?"

Addison inhales sharply. "Karev, if you want to make me the subject of your gossip, that's one thing. But I absolutely will not stand here and gossip with all of you about my mentor. Now," she continues, shooting the interns a harsh look. "I assume you all have work to do."

"We do," George says quickly.

"Well, I suggest you get back to it."

The interns quickly disperse. O'Malley scurries off quicker than she's ever seen him move. Yang and Grey walk away whispering quietly to each other. And Izzie is rushing to catch up with George.

None of them look back at her. None of them except Karev. And she can tell by the way he keeps looking back that he knows something is wrong. That he detected a slip in her disguise and knows Vivian isn't okay.

Again, she's not surprised. Part of being a good student is being attuned to your teacher. And Karev is a good student.

Admittedly, she doesn't make it easy for him ... at least not compared to Vivian. Addison never had a hard time reading Vivian. Well, almost never. There was this one time. And she can't help remembering.

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

 _She's never seen Vivian like this before. Usually her mentor commands every room she walks into._

 _But not today._

 _Shannon Fowler is the name of their patient. She's fifteen years old and just gave birth to a healthy baby girl._

 _Shannon has made it clear that the baby isn't a product of love. She's not even a product of like. She's the result of prom sex. Stupid prom sex._

 _Her ex-boyfriend was a senior. She was a freshman. And at her school it was kind of a big deal for a freshman to go to senior prom._

 _She went. Her boyfriend rented a cheap hotel room. They had sex for the first time ... unprotected, of course. He dumped her, and she ended up pregnant._

 _It's a pretty traumatic story, Addison has to admit. Poor Shannon has been through so much, and is all alone._

 _Well, almost._

 _Addison can't help noticing that as far as mothers go, Shannon pretty much hit the jackpot._

 _Her mom was there the whole time—coaching her through labor, whispering words of encouragement._

 _And she was there when Shannon gave her daughter up to the nice woman and man who were adopting her ... a genuinely lovely couple that Shannon and her mother handpicked themselves._

 _But most importantly, maybe, was the moment that Shannon's mother wasn't there. She insisted that Shannon spend a moment alone with her newborn daughter before giving her up. Shannon was hesitant at first, but eventually agreed._

Just speak from the heart. Don't worry; you'll know what to say.  
 _  
That's what Shannon's mother whispered to her in hushed tones as everyone left the room, leaving Shannon alone with her daughter for the first time. The only time._

 _Vivian couldn't get out of the room fast enough. And Addison couldn't help noticing that. Usually Vivian is a rock during emotional cases—comforting everyone with her silent strength._

 _But this was different._

 _Her intense eyes—usually so focused—were misty and clouded over during the delivery. It was as though she were somewhere else completely._

 _And after the delivery, when all of the adoption details were being sorted out, Vivian just kind of shrunk back in the corner. And Vivian has never been one to shrink back ... from anything._

 _She follows Vivian out of Shannon's room and waits until there's no one else around before speaking._

 _"Tough case," she mutters. "Shannon grew up quickly today."_

 _Vivian turns to face her. "Yes," she says quietly. "Yes, she did."_

 _"Do you feel like a post-surgery cup of coffee."_

 _Vivian shakes her head. "I think what I need right now is a good nap."_

 _Something's off and Addison knows it. Vivian always drinks a cup of coffee after surgery. And she never naps._

 _"Dr. Carlsmith, is everything okay?"_

 _"Everything's fine," Vivian reassures her cheerfully. Too cheerfully._

 _"Um, okay. I ... guess I'll see you later, Dr. Carlsmith."_

 _"Vivian."_

 _"Excuse me?"_

 _"Call me Vivian."_

 _"I-"_

 _"Please."_

 _Addison looks at her mentor in confusion._

 _"I call you by your first name, Addison."_

 _"Yeah, but most attendings don't."_

 _"You and I aren't most interns and attendings," Vivian points out._

 _"True."_

 _"And besides," Vivian continues, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Today I could use a bit of humility."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

To this day, Addison doesn't know what to make of that interaction with Vivian. It was clear Vivian was upset about something. But it was also clear that Vivian didn't want to talk about it. So Addison didn't push it. Just like Karev didn't push it with her.

Or so she thought. From where she's standing, she can hear Karev yelling ... at someone.

"You're just going to give up?"

"Karev, we're not giving up. We're prioritizing quality of life."

"Yeah, but what about the surgery you performed? Was it all for nothing?"

Addison runs a hand through her hair. He's yelling at Derek.

"The surgery wasn't for nothing," she hears Derek say. "That surgery bought Vivian weeks ... maybe months."

Addison swallows thickly. She really hopes the surgery bought Vivian months and not weeks. She needs that to be the case.

"Who told you what was going on with Vivian anyway?" Derek asks. "We've been trying to make sure that..."

But Addison leaves before Derek can finish ... before Alex can answer.

She and her lawyer are meeting Sean and her lawyer at mediation and she can't be late.

xxxxx

"So, how'd it go?"

Addison shakes her head in defeat. "Not well. My lawyer thinks I should settle."

"What? But you didn't do anything wrong."

"I know. But she says the settlement price wouldn't be a burden to me financially and if I settle, we can keep it out of court."

"But—"

"She says if I act contrite, we may be able to reduce the settlement costs."

Derek blinks in confusion. "But I thought your lawyer said that settlement fees were the least of your concern."

"Exactly," Addison sighs. "She doesn't get it. It's my reputation on the line. If I settle, my reputation takes a hit."

"So, did you tell her you're not settling?" he asks hopefully.

Addison nods. "We're all meeting again tomorrow ... to reassess." She shakes her head in frustration. "But I don't want to think about that. Let's go see Vivian."

He nods mutely and they make their way toward Vivian's hospital room.

They know she has company well before they arrive. And the voice of her visitor is easily recognizable.

"He's not supposed to be here," Addison hisses to Derek. "What is he think—"

But she cuts herself off when she hears the actual conversation taking place inside Vivian's room.

"How many newborns do bowel obstructions affect?" she hears Vivian ask.

"One in fifteen hundred babies."

"Very good," Vivian approves. "So, what's the plan for tomorrow?"

"We're going to remove the damaged part of the baby's intestine and then stitch the two ends together."

Addison can't help walking closer. Alex is in there with Vivian, running through tomorrow's surgery with her.

"And what part are you responsible for?" Vivian asks.

"Stitching the intestine back together. But I need to be prepared for the whole thing." Alex looks down for a minute before meeting Vivian's eyes. "How flimsy is a baby's intestine? I just ... how gentle do I need to be?"

"A baby's intestine is stronger than you think," Vivian reassures Alex.

And Addison can't help smiling. Vivian took the words right out of her mouth.

"It's more delicate than an adult's intestine," Vivian continues. "Smaller too. So you need a certain surgical finesse. But don't be afraid; a baby's intestine isn't that fragile."

Alex nods, a smile forming on his face. "That's good to know. Thank you."

"Sure," Vivian beams. "You know it takes a special type of doctor to specialize in neonatal. You do all the same surgeries that other surgeons do, but on smaller more delicate organs. And you have to be mentally tough. I think that's the toughest part of all."

"Yeah," Alex agrees quietly. "It sucks watching babies suffer."

"It does," Vivian nods. "But your job tomorrow is to give that baby a chance. Give her a chance at a life she otherwise wouldn't get." She looks at Alex intently. "What's your name?"

"Karev."

"No. Your first name."

"Alex."

"Alex," Vivian says, giving the intern a warm smile. "You're going to be great in there tomorrow. I don't know anything about you, but I know you'll do great. Do you know how I know that?"

Alex shrugs. "Because you're a surgical god or something?"

"That's flattening," Vivian chuckles. "But no. The reason I know," she continues, growing serious, "is because I know for a fact that Dr. Shepherd wouldn't ask you to assist if she didn't think you could do it. Just ... trust yourself and her. And listen to every word she says tomorrow. Because, Alex ..."

"Yeah?"

"You're working with one of the best surgeons and teachers in the world. And it's your job to learn everything you can."

"She's right," Derek whispers, wrapping an arm around Addison and cutting into her thoughts.

"What?"

"Look at this." Derek gestures to the scene unfolding in front of them. "You did this."

She smiles as Vivian points to something on the scans Alex was studying in preparation for the surgery. And he leans in so Vivian can explain something to him.

"Yeah, well, it's about time he showed some appreciation for my specialty."

She tries to say it nonchalantly, but there's a catch in her voice. And Derek doesn't have to look at her to know her eyes are brimming with unshed tears.

He looks anyway.

"You didn't just teach him neonatal," he says quietly, pressing a kiss to her temple. "You taught him compassion. And clearly..." he trails off as they continue to watch Vivian and Alex, "clearly, the lesson stuck."

A smile spreads across Addison's face. It feels like the first time she's smiled—really smiled—in a while. In a way it feels wrong, but she also can't help it. Seeing Vivian teaching—and completely in her element—makes Addison undeniably happy. And on top of that, she's teaching Karev, who sought her out entirely on his own. It was, of course, against hospital policy for him to do this; but she couldn't be mad at him if she tried.

And then there's Derek ... wrapping his arm around her waist and kissing her ... speaking to her in a tone that's not angry or apologetic or indifferent. He's impressed with her ... proud of her. If she didn't know better, she'd describe his tone as caring ... loving, even.

But she, of course, does know better.

So she turns her attention back to Vivian and Karev, doing her best not to think too much about Derek's arm, which is still wrapped securely around her waist, his thumb tracing light patterns over her ribs.

"Very good," Vivian compliments when Karev easily answers the question she threw his way. "I knew you were ready for this."

And Addison resolves to worry about her and Derek later.

Right now, she's not going to miss a moment of what's happening in front of her.

Vivian and Karev. Her teacher and her student.

And as she watches Vivian and Karev—with Derek's arm around her the whole time—she knows she needs to fight Sean's lawsuit with everything she has. Because it's not just her reputation on the line. It's theirs as well. All of theirs.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind response to the last chapter and this story so far! I love reading your reviews and hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading!

* * *

"I really think you should settle."

Addison looks at her lawyer squarely, her jaw set. "I didn't do anything wrong. Why would I let Sean damage my professional reputation when I did exactly what she asked me to do?"

"Because taking this to court is only going to drag things out. And you still might not win."

"I thought that as my lawyer you're supposed to be on my side."

"I'm just trying to help you. Trust me, you want to keep this out of court."

Addison sighs. Her lawyer is supposed to be good. She should hope so for all the money she's paying her. But right now, Addison would kill to have Weiss defending her. Or someone who understands her perspective better.

"I'm just saying, if you act contrite, I think ..."

But Addison stops listening. She's heard this spiel before and it's no more appealing this time around.

She excuses herself under the guise of going to the restroom. Truth be told, she needs to get out of there. She doesn't want to risk saying something she's going to regret.

She's surprised to see Sean in there, standing in front of the mirror, putting on lipstick. And Addison straightens her shoulders and joins her in front of the mirror.

"Good morning," she says formally as she removes her own lipstick from her purse.

Sean rolls her eyes. "Stop pretending to be civil."

"Fine," Addison shrugs. "You want to drop the pretenses? You want to know the truth? You're being manipulative and exploitative."

"I'm doing what I need to do," Sean disagrees. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."

Addison glares at Sean through the mirror. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Tell me, Dr. Shepherd, are you a mother?"

"No, but—"

"Exactly. You're not a mother. There's no way you could possibly get it."

"Get what?" Addison asks, doing her best to stay calm. "How hard it is to raise a child? What it means to love a child?"

"You think that just because you deliver babies for a living you're this big expert on motherhood, don't you?"

"I never said—"

"You didn't have to say anything. Doctors are know-it-alls. And you're more arrogant than most."

"Why? Because I'm concerned about my professional reputation? Because I'm not willing to let you take away all the time and effort I spent getting to where I am? I don't see how that makes me arrogant."

"You wouldn't."

Addison's jaw clenches and she feels her resolve strengthen. "I'm not going to let you take away from all the time and energy that my mentor invested in me. And I'm not going to let you or this lawsuit prevent me from being able to invest my time and energy into future doctors."

She's about to say more, but she can't help getting lost in her thoughts. Just this morning, Alex Karev had assisted on his first big-boy surgery. He was brilliant. And she was so proud.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

 _"Impressive, Karev," Addison compliments as she watches him stitch the two ends of their infant patient's bowel back together. "Most surgeons treat the bowel too delicately the first time they do this surgery, but you're handling it perfectly."_

 _He smiles at her cockily. "A baby's bowel is stronger than you'd think."_

 _Addison raises an eyebrow. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, though technically she doesn't need to._

 _"From gynie royalty," Alex shrugs. "Dr. Carlsmith."_

 _Addison smiles. "I heard you and Vivian got to know each other yesterday."_

 _"Yeah," Alex nods. "She's pretty cool."_

 _"Yeah," Addison agrees, nodding sadly. "She is."_

 _She looks up when she hears the monitor hooked up to their patient begin to beep frantically._

 _"BP's dropping. Karev, there's a bleeder."_

 _He looks up at her, his cheeks flushed, eyes concerned._

 _"It's okay. Stay calm," she reassures him, moving closer, but not stepping in completely. "You just need to find and cauterize the bleeder. You've got this."_

 _He looks at her uncertainly._

 _"You've got this," she encourages, smiling slightly when he locates the source of the bleeder. "Good," she compliments. "Very good."_

 _Alex breathes an audible sigh of relief as the beeping monitor quiets down and the baby's BP stabilizes._

 _"Nice work, Karev," Addison approves. "Nice recovery."_

 _"Thanks." He looks down at the baby's bowel that he's stitching together. "Does this look okay?"_

 _She nods as she double-checks his work. It really is picture-perfect._

 _"Karev, I know you're going to hate me for saying this," she begins. "But you really do have a gift for my specialty. I think you should consider specializing in it."_

 _He shrugs nonchalantly. And if she didn't know any better, she'd think he was writing off her compliment … and her suggestion._

 _But she does know better. And she knows something else too. She knows that even though Karev is wearing a surgical mask and his mouth is concealed, this is the widest she's ever seen him smile._

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"You're incredibly arrogant," Sean says, ripping Addison from her thoughts. "All those things you just mentioned … how hard you worked … all those people who invested time and energy into you … and the people you're investing time and energy into … do you know what the common thread is? _You._ With you, it's all about _you_."

Addison blinks in astonishment. "Is that what you think? Let me tell you something, I didn't become a doctor _solely_ for myself. I became a doctor to help people … like _your daughter,_ who otherwise wouldn't have had a chance."

Sean shrugs mildly. "If that's how you have to spin it to yourself."

Addison tosses her lipstick in her bag and glares at Sean. "I'm not spinning anything. I'm telling things the way they are. And when I take your ass to court, the jury will agree."

"You're a dear," Sean says, rolling her eyes.

Addison shakes her head. "If you honestly believe that you're being a good mother by suing me for wrongful birth," she says through gritted teeth, "then, yes, a jury will see it my way."

Sean shrugs. "I guess we'll find out," she taunts. "Oh, and Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes?"

"Do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and never become a mother. It requires way too much compassion for someone like you."

xxxxx

Don't you have other patients?"

Derek shakes his head. "None who mean as much to me as you do."

"Derek," Vivian smiles, "you should be out there saving lives. There are actual lives you could be saving. We already know what's going to happen to me. But other people ... they have a chance."

"I hate it when you get pessimistic like that," Derek mumbles.

"I'm not being pessimistic. I just ... I don't want to see your talents go to waste."

"They won't. Besides," Derek continues, "Addison will kill me if she comes back from mediation and sees I left you alone."

Vivian smiles. "Happy wife, happy life."

"Yeah," Derek stammers uncomfortably. "Something like that."

"It's okay, Derek. We don't have to talk about it."

He runs a hand through his hair. He has every intention of trying again with Addison. It's just he's spent so much time being indifferent toward her or speaking indifferently about her, it has kind of become second nature.

"I still love her," Derek says, lowering his voice as if sharing a secret. "You know that, right?"

"I do," Vivian nods. "Does she?"

"I ..."

In all honesty, he doesn't know. He can't remember the last time he told her. He certainly hasn't said those three words to her since she's been in Seattle.

He looks at Vivian, expecting her to share some pearls of wisdom about how there's never a bad time to tell someone you love them. But to his surprise Vivian remains quiet.

"What? No advice?"

Vivian shrugs. "I specialize in medicine, not relationships."

"I'm pretty sure you're brilliant at everything," Addison disagrees as she walks into Vivian's hospital room.

Vivian chuckles and Derek studies Addison closely, trying to figure out just how much of his conversation with Vivian she heard.

"How was mediation?" he asks her. Technically, he doesn't need to. He's pretty sure he knows how mediation went by the look on his wife's face.

Addison sighs. "We're going to court."

"I'm sorry," Vivian says apologetically. "I'm guessing you didn't make any progress with Sean."

Addison shakes her head. "If anything, we made negative progress."

Vivian chuckles. "What happened?"

"Well, I attempted to play nice and hold my tongue, but the truth is, I didn't make a mistake, and the woman who's suing me is a bitch, and I don't feel like listening to her blame me for everything that's going wrong in her life. I'm done being a virtual punching bag."

Derek feels his body stiffen at that last part. And he can't help wondering if that last part is directed at Sean or him. Admittedly, both are justified.

"It's just ... I've worked my whole life to become a great doctor," Addison continues. "And now my reputation's being threatened. And what's even worse, there's only a handful of doctors who do what I do. So if I can't practice medicine, there will literally be babies that won't get saved." She shakes her head. "I know that sounds egotistical—"

"Oh, don't you ever backpedal your ego with me, missy," Vivian cuts in. "You're my student. You deserve every ounce of that pride."

"She's right," Derek agrees. "Addison, you're an incredible doctor. You can't let Sean take that away from you. You helped Sean become a mother. It's not your fault she's not cut out for the job."

"That's funny," Addison says dryly. "She said something similar about me today."

Derek feels his hands involuntarily ball up into fists at his side. "What?"

"She said I should never have children," Addison says dully. "Because motherhood requires a type of compassion that someone like me isn't capable of."

Derek's mouth goes dry at that. His stomach clenches uncomfortably. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.

Luckily, Vivian is more than capable of being comforting and insightful.

"She's wrong," Vivian says bluntly. "On every level."

Addison looks at her mentor uncertainly. "You really think that?"

"I know that," Vivian insists.

Derek wants to say something. He wants to agree with Vivian. He wants to make Addison feel better. But his words keep getting stuck in his throat.

Sean's comment to Addison is hitting him like a punch to the stomach. He literally feels like he's had the wind knocked out of him and can't catch his breath.

And if he's feeling this way, he can't even imagine how Addison is feeling.

"Addison," Vivian continues, ripping Derek from his thoughts. "Don't let this woman who doesn't know the first thing about you influence a decision she deserves absolutely no say in. Her opinion doesn't matter."

Addison nods mutely. "You're right," she says quietly. "You're always right. I mean, this woman thinks she's being a good mother by claiming that her daughter never should have been born."

"Yeah, well ... mothers try to protect their children," Vivian sighs. "But sometimes in the process, they do a lot of damage."

Addison hears the catch in her mentor's voice. It's brief, but it's also very noticeable.

"Vivian, are you okay?" she asks in concern.

Vivian nods, but it's unconvincing.

"Vivian, what is it?" Addison presses gently.

"I—I've never told anyone."

"Well, you can tell me."

Vivian looks around uncertainly. "I ..."

"I can leave, if that makes things easier," Derek offers quickly, sensing this may be a conversation between mentor and mentee ... or woman to woman.

But Vivian shakes her head. "Stay." She swallows roughly and Addison can see she's struggling with memories.

 _Push ..._

 _Good. Very good._

"In 1951, I had a baby," Vivian chokes out. "I was fifteen."

 _Okay, I see the head._

 _Push ..._

"The nuns gave her to a Catholic family."

 _One more big push._

 _Good._

 _It's a girl.  
_  
"I never got to hold her."

"Why not?" Addison asks softly. "Did you choose not to?"

It's a valid question.

Throughout the course of her career, Addison has seen her fair share of adoption cases. And she knows that a fair number of times the birth mother elects not to hold her baby, insisting that _it's better that way_ or that _holding the baby will only make things harder_. She always assumed that in some of these cases, this decision came with regret later on in life. But until now, maybe she took for granted what this regret looks like.

But Vivian is shaking her head, her eyes moist. "I wanted to hold her." She dabs at her eyes with a tissue. "Before you leave the maternity home, they let you hold your baby for thirty minutes to say goodbye. Everything I'd know about my daughter, everything she'd know about me would come in those thirty minutes. I practiced what I'd say to her while I crocheted a pair of baby booties. But before they brought her in, my mother showed up to take me home. And when Sister Jo brought my baby, my mother sent them both away."

Addison swallows thickly, tears stinging her eyes. "Vivian, I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

"I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to be her mother." Vivian shakes her head regretfully. "But what kind of life would I have been able to give her anyway?"

Addison bites her lip as she remembers that case she and Vivian worked on together all those years ago ... with the teenager who gave her daughter up for adoption. And suddenly Vivian's behavior that day makes sense.

"Did you ever try to contact her? Your daughter," Addison clarifies.

"No. I threw myself into my career. Medicine ... that became my life's work." She gives Addison a warm smile. "And looking after a few special students, like you."

"Did you ever forgive your mother?" Addison asks, placing a hand on Vivian's.

Vivian shrugs. "She did what she thought was best for me. The truth is, I had to thank her."

Addison looks at her mentor in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I was the only female surgeon in my class. The male residents just tortured me." She shakes her head, reminiscing. "But it rolled off my back. After your mother calls you a whore, nothing else hurts."

Addison looks at her mentor in amazement. "Where did you find the strength?"

Vivian answers Addison's question, but Derek doesn't hear it. He's too lost in his own thoughts. He's not thinking about Addison. And he's not thinking about Vivian and the heartbreaking story she just told.

He's thinking about Meredith ... and the way she always talks about her mother. Ellis Grey, the perpetual villain.

It's so strikingly different from the way Vivian just talked about her mother.

If he wants to delude himself, he could say that age and immaturity are the explanation. But he knows that's not true. And he doesn't want to delude himself.

In the end, it has nothing to do with age or maturity. It has everything to do who Vivian and Meredith are and how they approach the world.

Vivian is remarkable. There are no two ways about it.

Her words keep reverberating in his head. _The truth is I had to thank her._ Vivian could have easily held a grudge and blamed her mother for everything. But she didn't. She acknowledged her mother's perspective—even if she didn't agree with it … even if it hurt her. And the whole situation made her stronger.

Meredith, on the other hand, will spend the rest of her life suffocated by her mother ... blaming Ellis for her every shortcoming and everything that doesn't go right in her own life. Maybe he's wrong about this. But he doesn't think so. And it doesn't matter anyway. He has no intention of sticking around to find out.

He knew he wanted to be with Addison before. And Vivian's story is only strengthening that decision.

Eleven-plus years ago, he told Addison that she and Vivian were similar, and Addison had called it the best compliment he could give her. Somewhere over the years, he forgot this. He stopped seeing his wife. But Vivian being here has reawakened something in him and for the first time in a long time, he's seeing clearly.

Of course, his timing is once again awful. For the life of him, he can't seem to reach these realizations at times when he and Addison can actually talk.

So, he'll wait. But not too long.

Once upon a time, he believed that he and Addison had all the time in the world. But Vivian being here is a reminder that life is short and, sometimes, unpredictable.

So, he'll wait. But out of respect, not out of naïveté.

And with that thought, he rejoins the conversation with Addison and Vivian ... which has shifted back to Sean Petrucci and the ridiculous thing she said to Addison.

"That woman doesn't know what she's talking about," Vivian insists. "She's grasping for nonexistent straws. I know you. And I know that if you choose to be a mother, you'll be incredible."

"Yeah," Derek chokes out vulnerably, finally finding his voice.

Addison and Vivian look at him in surprise, almost as though they'd forgotten he was there.

He meets his wife's eyes and smiles at her sincerely. "Yeah," he repeats softly. Genuinely. As if nothing in the world could possibly be truer. "You'd be the best."

* * *

A/N 2: I adored Vivian's storyline on Private Practice—particularly the part about her giving up a baby for adoption as a teenager. I've been looking forward to working it into this story for a while; I hope you enjoyed it!


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Thanks so much for your support on the last chapter! I hope you're still enjoying this story. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading!

* * *

He needs to talk to Addison. Well, technically, he wants and needs to talk to her. He knows she's going through a lot right now, and maybe it would make more sense to wait for things to settle down a little before he brings up their relationship. But he doesn't want to wait. He already let work take priority over their relationship before. And he doesn't want to make the same mistake twice.

He finds her in the trailer, deeply engrossed in something.

"That doesn't look medical," he quips, peering over her shoulder.

"Nope."

"And it doesn't look like lawsuit-related stuff either."

"It's not."

He sits down beside her and looks closely at the various pages she's leafing through. "Are you planning a party?"

She nods.

"Really?"

"Why do you sound so surprised, Derek?" She looks at him pointedly. "Is it because I have no friends out here?"

"No. I ..." he trails off, feeling a twinge of guilt. "Who are you planning a party for?"

"Vivian," Addison answers with a small smile. "She's turning 70 in a few weeks and I want to do something big for her.

"Addison." Derek's face falls. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Celebrating my mentor's birthday?" Addison raises an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't it be a good idea?"

"Addison, you know how sick she is. I know she seems fine now. But you ... we don't know how long that's going to last."

"I still don't understand why that means I can't throw her a 70th birthday party."

"I just ... do you think it might be too much for her?"

"It's a birthday party in her hospital room, Derek. You're acting as though I'm flying her to Paris or something."

"No, I was just worried ..."

"What? That Vivian might not make it to 70?"

"Yeah," Derek sighs. "But, um, also, I'm worried about you. I know how much work you put into party planning. And if Vivian ... if she doesn't make it ... I just don't want you to be upset."

Addison glares at him. "Derek, do you honestly think I'm so superficial that if Vivian ... if she doesn't ..."

But she can't finish her sentence. Vivian's death is inevitable and yet she can't bring herself to say the words out loud.

So she settles for glaring at her husband instead. "Do you honestly think her birthday party would be my biggest concern?"

"Addison, I didn't say ... I never said ..."

"Admit it," Addison cuts in. "You think I'm exactly like Bizzy."

"I never said—"

"You think I'm more concerned with the way things appear than the way they actually are."

"Addison, stop putting words in my mouth."

"I don't have to put words in your mouth, Derek. You and I both know that my mother is the only person who would be more upset about the party she planned and didn't get to throw than she would be about the person's death."

"That's not how I meant it and you know it," Derek snaps defensively. "And if we're going to start comparing you to one of your parents, your father's the more obvious choice."

She flinches at that, the hurt in her eyes evident.

"Addison, I—"

"Get off your high horse, Derek," Addison retorts, glaring at him hatefully. "And if I'm like my father, so are you. More so, even."

"What?"

"My father sleeps with women half his age." Addison smirks at Derek haughtily. "Mark's a couple months older than me. You can't say the same about your girlfriend."

"Get out," he orders, his eyes flashing angrily.

"What?"

"I said get out. Get out now!"

The mention of Mark's name is enough to infuriate him on a good day. And today—when emotions are already running high and they're already fighting—Addison's mention of his ex-best friend is enough to make him put his first through a wall.

He sees her making her way toward the door, purse in hand.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Leaving." She blinks in confusion. "Just like you asked me to."

"You're just going to listen to me? You're not going to fight like last time."

"What?"

He shakes his head. It hurts to remember it. But he remembers anyway. Last time.

 _~ You're calling to me ~  
_

 _"Get out."_

 _"No."_

 _"Get out."_

 _"No. No, I'm not going."_

 _"Get out of my house now!"_

 _"We have to talk about this. I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground."_

 _~ I can't hear what you've said ~  
_

"You're just going to leave?" Derek repeats. "No argument? No nothing?"

Addison shrugs. "This isn't my house ... _our_ house. It's not the home we created together." She looks at him defeated. "What do you want from me, Derek?"

"I ..."

The truth is he doesn't know what he wants. And he knows just by looking at her that she doesn't either.

What he does know, though, is that he doesn't want her alone, outside, wandering around Seattle ... or worse, the woods behind his trailer.

"You stay," he tells her. "I'll go."

He leaves before she has a chance to respond, closing the trailer door behind him. Hard.

He has every intention of hopping in his car and hightailing it out of there. But he can't move. It's like he's stuck in wet concrete on the steps outside the trailer.

And then he hears a sob on the other side of the door. He feels a tightness in his chest. Nausea curdles in his stomach. Even if he wanted to leave, he can't.

The thing is, he can't go back in the trailer either.

So, he stands just outside the trailer door, trying to untangle what had just happened.

He had no intention of fighting with her. Quite the opposite, actually.

The more he thinks about it, the more he's certain it was a fight that never should have happened. She's upset and he's upset and they escalated something little into something not so little.

But then again, most fights don't happen when people are thinking rationally. So maybe it was bound to happen.

He tries to think back to what started the fight, and keeps coming back to the party she's planning. He was concerned and tried to tell her as much—admittedly, maybe not in the best way—and everything kind of spiraled out of control from there.

What if he'd agreed from the onset? What if he'd offered to help her plan the party?

Once upon a time, he would have, no questions asked. It's what husbands and wives do—support each other, even when they have reservations. And over the years, he has definitely taken her side on things that were a lot more questionable than this.

Of course, he can't help thinking about that.

 _~ If you're lost you can look and you will find me ~_

 _"Dr. Shepherd," Richard calls out. "Derek," he tries again when Derek doesn't answer him. "Shepherd, I know you hear me."_

 _Derek turns and meets Richard's eyes and the two men stare at each other wordlessly._

 _"She told you," Richard says quietly, as realization dawns on him._

 _Derek doesn't confirm or deny anything either way. And it's better that way. Richard doesn't need to know about the hours he spent with Addison in a locked on-call room, holding her while she cried about the baby Richard had put her in charge of ... the baby that had no chance ... the baby Richard had led her to believe she could keep alive._

 _"So, wait ... now you're not talking to me either?"_

 _Again, Derek meets Richard with silence. In all honesty, he thinks Addison and Richard should just talk ... sort things out like the adults that they are._

 _But Addison's the most important person in the world to him and he's on her side—always, without question. Not to mention, witnessing first hand just how badly Richard's lesson had hurt Addison doesn't exactly make Derek want to talk to Richard right now._

 _"She'll thank me for this one day," Richard assures Derek. "It's a hard lesson to learn ... and not one you give to just any doctor. But Addison's worth it." He meets Derek's eyes. "Will you tell her that for me?"_

 _Derek nods mutely. Technically, he's not speaking to Richard, so he's not betraying Addison. But after hearing Richard's side of things, he feels the need to respond to him in some way. And a nonverbal nod seems like a good compromise._

 _~ Time after time ~_

Addison went the better half of a year without talking to Richard. He only made it three days. Still, he supported Addison, and he knows, in the end, she appreciated it. He didn't necessarily agree with her, but she needed his support. And he was there. Just like she's been there for him. Through the good and the bad, the thick and thin. And over eleven-plus years, they've been there for each other a lot.

Still, despite all this, he can't bring himself to go back inside the trailer. So, he stands frozen outside, while she continues to cry on the other side of the door.

For her part, Addison is frozen in the trailer, unable to move ... unable to process what just happened.

She knows she's crying—hard. But that's about all she knows.

Instinctively, she looks down at her arms, checking for non-existent bruises. And she starts crying harder.

Because she can't help remembering.

 _~ After my picture fades ~  
_

 _He left._ You stay, I'll go _._

 _And she's frozen in place, crying—hard._

 _Maybe it was stupid, but she thought they had a chance. When he let her back into their house, after throwing her out in the rain, she thought maybe—just maybe—there was hope for them after all._

 _But he left._

 _It's been twenty-four hours and she hasn't moved from her spot in front of the door. She keeps hoping he'll come back. But he hasn't. And it's her fault._

 _She looks down at her arms, her eyes fixed on the bruises that decorate them. When he threw her out of their house, he gripped her so hard, he left marks._

 _In the twenty-four hours since Derek left, the marks have become bruises, and Addison has to admit she likes them—visible proof that Derek's body touched hers.  
_

 _She hopes the bruises don't fade ... don't heal ... don't go away._

 _But, of course, they do. After two days, her bruises begin to change from bright red to bluish purple. After four days, they're a faded pink._

 _And she finds herself crying with renewed vigor._

 _Derek hasn't come home. He won't answer her calls. He's acting like she doesn't exist … like they never existed._

 _She needs those bruises to prove that they did exist. That Addison-and-Derek were very much, and are very much, real._

 _On the fifth day, her bruises fade completely._

 _And she calls Mark._

 _~ And darkness has turned to gray ~_

She's not a crier by nature—or more accurately, by nurture. All these years of being Bizzy's daughter have conditioned her to keep a stiff upper lip. But with everything that's happening, not crying and pretending everything's okay is too hard. It hurts too much.

She's most certainly going to lose Vivian, there's a chance she'll lose her ability to practice medicine, and unbeknownst to her—and likely her alone—she lost Derek a long time ago.

She's crying so hard, she doesn't hear the door to the trailer open.

"Addison."

And she doesn't hear Derek calling her name either.

"Addison." He's shaking her gently, trying to get her attention. "Addison."

She looks up at him, her eyes red and raw. "Derek, I—"

But she cuts herself off when she sees the look in his eyes. Derek is terrified.

"Derek, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I …"

"Derek," Addison breathes desperately.

He shakes his head apologetically and wraps his arms around her.

"Derek."

"I got a page from the hospital," he finally chokes out, pulling her in closer. Technically he doesn't have to say more. But he does anyway. "911."


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind reviews on the last chapter! I really appreciate them and love hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

It's Vivian. It has to be. Derek had cleared his schedule. Who else would they be paging him about?

Addison is in the passenger seat, next to her husband, visibly shaking.

"Addie," Derek says gently.

It doesn't matter that just minutes ago they were fighting so badly that he stormed out and she was in tears. Right now, that fight seems stupid … insignificant.

"Addie," he tries again. "Talk to me. Please."

He half expects her to tell him to go to hell. She wouldn't be entirely unjustified in doing so either. But apparently, she's too worn down to fight.

"I thought we had more time with her," she says hoarsely. "She seemed fine today."

Derek nods mutely.

Addison isn't wrong. Just this afternoon, Vivian was reminiscing with Richard, offering Karev surgical pointers, and, of course, deep in conversation with Addison.

"What do you think happened?" Addison asks, cutting into his thoughts. "Another seizure? Do you think she fell getting out of bed?"

Derek swallows the lump in his throat. Over the years, he and Addison have pretty much seen it all, and he knows her list of everything that could have possibly gone wrong is endless. And she's just going to drive herself crazy going through it. Well, crazier.

"Did I ever tell you about the first time your brother met Vivian?"

Addison looks at Derek in bewilderment. "You want to talk about this now? Seriously, Derek?"

"Yeah," Derek shrugs. "I do. Because right now, the only thing we have control over is how fast we get to the hospital, and I'm driving as fast as I can. So, let's talk about Vivian."

Addison gulps back a sob. "I don't remember the first time Archer and Vivian met."

"That's because you weren't there," Derek smirks, keeping his eyes on the road. "But it's a good story."

 _~ Suitcase of memories ~  
_

" _Hey," Derek grins, walking up to the barstool next to Vivian's. "Mind if I sit down?"_

 _"Not at all," Vivian smiles. She gestures to the barstool next to her. "It's all yours."_

 _"Thanks," Derek nods. He sits down and places his drink order—a single malt scotch._

 _Vivian nods in approval. "Nice drink order."_

 _"I thought you'd like it," Derek chuckles._

 _"I do." She raises her own glass of scotch and taps it against his. "Cheers."_

 _"Cheers."_

 _Vivian looks at him curiously. "Why are you drinking alone? Where's your better half?"_

 _"She's at the hospital filling out post ops. She'll be here soon." Derek lowers his voice. "We're meeting her older brother for dinner tonight, and Archer Montgomery isn't exactly my biggest fan and has no problems making it known, so," he taps his scotch glass, "I'm getting a head start."_

 _Vivian chuckles. "What makes—"_

 _But she's cut off by none other than Archer. And he doesn't seem happy._

 _"What the hell is going on here?" he demands._

 _Derek looks at Archer in confusion. "Excuse me? Archer, I thought you were supposed to meet Addison at the hospital."_

 _"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Archer snorts._

 _"Kind of," Derek admits under his breath._

 _"Don't be cute with me," Archer warns. He looks back and forth between Derek and Vivian. "I've been watching you two the whole time."_

 _"What?"_

 _"Don't play dumb with me, Derek. I was standing right here and saw everything ... the toasting, the laughing ... the whispering ..." He rolls his eyes. "The leaning in."_

 _"Archer, this is—"_

 _"Save it, Derek. Montgomerys can spot cheating from miles away."_

 _"Archer, I'm not—"_

 _"I've always said my sister is too good for you. I knew it was only a matter of time before you found someone less impressive to pump up that fragile little ego of yours." He gives Vivian his most charming smile. "No offense. I'm sure you're great."_

 _"Archer, this—"_

 _"Just stop, Derek. The more you speak, the angrier you're making me."_

 _"Speak?" Derek sputters exasperatedly. "Archer, you haven't let me get a word in edgewise."_

 _"That's it," Archer snaps, raising his glass of gin and tonic. "I've had enough of you. No one cheats on my sister and get away with it." And with that, he throws his gin and tonic in Derek's face, drenching him._

 _"Archer, what the hell?" Derek demands, grabbing a bar napkin and attempting to dry himself off. He points to Vivian. "Archer, this is Vivian Carlsmith, Addison's mentor."_

 _"Addison's mentor?" Archer asks in surprise._

 _"Yes," Derek exclaims. "Her mentor."_

 _"Oh." He looks down guiltily, but if he's embarrassed, it only lasts a second. "Archer Montgomery," he says, extending a hand to Vivian and giving her his most charming smile. "I hope I didn't splash you when I threw my drink at Derek."_

 _Vivian shakes her head, half in disbelief, half in amusement. "It's very nice to meet you, Archer."_

 _Vivian Carlsmith—always the consummate professional._

 _"Vivian is surgical royalty," Derek tells Archer. He turns to Vivian and rolls his eyes. "And Archer walks around like he's royalty."_

 _"Thank you, Derek," Archer beams. "That's a kind thing to say."_

 _"I'm not complimenting you," Derek mutters. He looks at Archer in confusion. "I thought you were supposed to meet Addison at the hospital."_

 _"That was the plan," Archer nods. "But then I learned that this bar is a hot spot for single nurses, so I figured I'd check it out." He rolls his eyes. "Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do that since I've spent my entire time here talking to you." He gives Vivian a suave smile. "I was talking about Derek, not you."_

 _"Nice," Derek mutters, rolling his eyes._

 _Archer shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm just being honest. I-"_

 _"Archer, I've been looking all over for you," Addison cuts in, joining everyone at the bar and giving her brother a hug. "I thought you were going to meet me at the hospital." She turns to Derek in confusion. "Why are you all wet?" She blinks in disbelief. "Did someone throw a drink at you."_

 _"Yeah," Derek nods, looking at Archer pointedly. "Someone did."_

 _"What? Why?"_

 _"She was aiming for me," Archer supplies. "I turned her down because I was meeting you for dinner and ... you know how crazy women can get."_

 _"No, I don't know," Addison says neutrally. "I do know you're lying, though."_

 _"Fine," Archer sighs. "If you must know, some woman thought Derek was attractive. She was drunk ... which explains why she was interested in Derek and not me," Archer continues, smirking when Derek glares at him. "Anyway, he told her he was spoken for. I may have said some things to make the situation worse, and, well, you get the picture," he concludes, gesturing toward Derek. "She threw a drink in Derek's face. On the plus side," Archer adds brightly, "I've really enjoyed getting to know your mentor, Valerie."_

 _"Vivian," Addison and Derek correct in unison._

 _"Right," Archer chuckles. "You know I have a hard time keeping women's names straight."_

 _Addison shakes her head in disgust. "I'm sorry," she apologizes to Vivian. "I wish I could say he's not usually like this, but I'd be lying to you."_

 _And as Addison and Vivian talk, Derek turns to Archer._

 _"Why didn't you tell her that you threw your drink at me?"_

 _"For a number of reasons," Archer says breezily. "I don't think she'd appreciate it if she found out that I accused you of cheating on her with her mentor. Between me, the Captain, and Bizzy, we've managed to drive away enough people that Addison really cared about from her life. I don't think she needs to know that I unknowingly tried to drive away her mentor."_

 _Derek shakes his head. "But you're okay with trying to drive me away?"_

 _"Shepherd, I've been trying to drive you away from the moment I met you."_

 _"Nice," Derek mutters, rolling his eyes._

 _"But honest." Archer looks at him pointedly. "I don't know why you're getting so prickly with me anyway. I turned you into the hero of this story."_

 _"Yeah, after your attempt to make yourself the hero failed miserably."_

 _Archer waves his hand dismissively. "Doesn't matter." He leans in and lowers his voice. "You want to know why know why I made you the hero of the story?"_

 _Derek nods passively. Though he still thinks Archer's use of the word hero is debatable._

 _"It's because despite my best efforts to drive you away, you're still here. And, unfortunately, I think my sister is pretty set on keeping it that way."_

 _~ Time after ... Sometimes ~_

"Archer thought you were cheating on me with Vivian?"

Derek nods. "I always said you got both the brains and the looks in your family."

Once upon a time, the whole story would have been funnier. But given their recent history with infidelity, the story kind of stings.

"Why did Archer come up with an elaborate cover story?" Addison asks in confusion. "Why didn't you guys just tell me?"

"I don't know," Derek shrugs.

They're stopped at a red light and he glances over at her. "Archer knew how much you admired and respected Vivian. He was afraid you'd be hurt or disappointed with him." He shakes his head as he moves his foot from the brakes to the gas pedal. "Archer's rationalization sounded better all those years ago," he admits.

"Things were simpler then," Addison says flatly.

She hates that that's changed. She hates how much everything has changed.

"Why didn't I do a better job staying in touch with Vivian?"

"It wouldn't have changed anything, Addie."

"But ... it might have." She runs a hand through her hair. "I got busy ... and I didn't stay in touch."

"This type of thing happens, Addison. It's called being an adult ... having a career."

"It's called having misguided priorities," Addison disagrees. "You saw how well that worked out for our marriage."

He decides to let her have that one. It's a low blow, sure. But it's also not entirely unfair. And he doesn't want to fight with her.

"If only I'd done a better job staying in touch with Vivian." She looks down at her hands and studies her manicured fingers. "It's not that I didn't think about her. I thought about her all the time."

Derek nods mutely. There's no doubt in his mind that this last sentiment is true.

"There's just ... there's something about knowing she's there that makes everything better," Addison admits. She looks up, her eyes not fixed on the road ahead. "I … I know it makes no sense, but I've always felt that way."

 _~ Sometimes you picture me ~  
_

" _Oh my god" Addison breathes, taking in the scene in front of her. "Oh ..."_

 _She and Vivian have just performed a very high-risk surgery, and it wasn't successful. It was a long shot; she knew that going in. But still ..._

 _Ten minutes ago, a mother and her unborn twins were alive. They weren't healthy, but they were, at least, alive._

 _Now none of them are alive._

 _"Clean that up," Vivian instructs the scrub nurses. She points to the blood covering their lifeless patients. "The husband doesn't need to see this."_

 _She looks at Addison, who's standing there, frozen in place, her hand clamped over her mouth, staring in abject horror at everything unfolding in front of her._

 _"Are you okay?"_

 _Addison forces herself to look away from her lifeless patients. "It just ... happened so fast."_

 _Vivian nods in agreement and for a moment she allows her eyes to linger on the scene in front of them._

 _"We should go talk to the husband."_

 _Addison agrees begrudgingly. She hates this part._

 _"Mr. Kirkpatrick," Vivian greets gently._

 _Addison detects a subtle catch in her mentor's voice and she looks up in concern. It takes her less than two seconds to realize what threw Vivian off her game ... or more accurately, who._

 _"Do you know where my mommy is?"_

 _Addison blinks, taking in the small child with blonde ringlets, who she estimates can't be older than four._

 _Vivian crouches down to the little girl's level. "I'm Dr. Carlsmith." She gestures toward Addison. "This is Dr. Shepherd. Can you talk to her for a few minutes while I talk to your daddy?"_

 _The little girl shrugs. "I guess so." She turns to Addison. "I'm Amy."_

 _Of course you are._

 _And Addison can't help making the connection between this little girl and Derek's sister Amelia, who also lost a parent way too young in life._

 _"You can call me Addison," she finds herself telling the little girl._

 _And that's pretty much how it unfolds. Addison entertains Amy ... all while keeping an eye on Vivian, who's telling the husband that there was nothing they could do to save his wife and children._

 _"I'm going to be a big sister," Amy tells Addison proudly._

 _"Uh-huh," Addison nods, not even bothering to hide quiver in her voice._

 _And as she takes in Amy's eager blue eyes, she can't help thinking that maybe Vivian got the easier job._

 _And she's still thinking that as they walk away from the family in silence._

 _(What's left of the family)._

 _"You did well."_

 _Addison stops walking and looks at her mentor disbelievingly. "I didn't save them ... any of them."_

 _"Yeah, but we knew that was a tall order going in. Still ..." Vivian trails off, "You were good with the little girl." She sighs. "It's always harder to deliver bad news when there are children there."_

 _"You did it like a pro."_

 _"I am a pro," Vivian points out. "It doesn't make it any less difficult."_

 _Addison nods in concession._

 _Vivian studies her mentee closely. "Are you okay?"_

 _"Yeah." She sighs. "The case just got to me. Everything about it."_

 _"That'll happen," Vivian says gently. "And it'll continue to happen."_

 _"I know," Addison admits, tinging red. "I get too attached. I'm working on it."_

 _"That's not what I was going to say."_

 _Addison looks at her mentor in confusion._

 _"We deal with people and their families. It's normal to have a case get to you every now and again. It still happens to me ... sometimes when I least expect it."_

 _She places a reassuring hand on Addison's shoulder. "It was a sad case with an unhappy outcome. I've certainly gotten upset over less traumatic cases."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Absolutely."_

 _"I've just … I've been working so hard to not get as emotionally attached," Addison admits._

 _"That part's all a bit of a balancing act," Vivian says gently. "It's something that comes with time. Although …" she trails off, her eyes twinkling, "the fact that you're talking to Dr. Webber again is a good sign of progress."_

 _"I guess."_

 _"Trust me, it is." She offers Addison a small smile. "I wish I could tell you that cases like this get easier. But they don't. More routine, yes. But they're always tough."_

 _Addison nods mutely, taking it all in._

 _"Maybe I'm in the minority," Vivian continues, but I think cases like this one are good for doctors every now and again."_

 _"To teach us humility?"_

 _"Screw humility," Vivian says, shaking her head. "Cases that resonate with you cause you to take a step back and feel something. And it's cases like these that make the big wins even more meaningful. You'll see," she insists. "In that amazing career you have ahead of you, you'll see."_

 _~ You're calling to me ~_

"She was right," Addison says sadly. "Like always."

Derek nods in agreement. "Vivian always said you don't make through your residency without seeing every doctor in your cohort break down in some way or another." He runs a hand through his hair. "I know I had my share of breakdowns."

"Me too." She swallows roughly. "I still do. The thing is ... whenever I'm affected by a case, I think about Vivian and how she said she never stopped being affected by cases. It doesn't make things all better, but it helps ... knowing she's experienced similar things … and just ... knowing she's there."

She swallows roughly and stares blankly out the passenger side window. Green trees and blue sky pass by in a hazy blur.

"Even when she wasn't physically there with me, there was still this comfort I took in knowing she was there." She dabs at her eyes, catching the tears before they can fall. "Derek, I don't know how to live in a world where Vivian isn't alive."

He feels his breath catch in his throat at her confession. He can relate.

"I felt that way when I lost my dad," he tells her quietly. "You never fully adjust."

Her hand slides to his thigh and she rubs his leg reassuringly. And he can't help thinking that he should be the one comforting her. He hates seeing her like this. And, right now, he'd do anything to take away the pain she's feeling.

But they're at the hospital, and it's time to face reality.

The first person they see as they burst through the hospital doors is Alex Karev. And he looks pretty unruffled.

"Karev, what happened?" Addison demands, her voice hoarse and shaky.

"What are you talking about?"

"Vivian," Addison clarifies, her patience running thin. "Derek got a page. 911 and nothing else. What happened? Did she have a stroke? Did she—?"

"Vivian's fine," Alex insists calmly.

Addison looks at the intern uncertainly. "Are you ... sure?"

"Yeah. I was literally in her room two minutes ago." He looks between Addison and Derek, who are staring at him in bewilderment. "We were playing chess."

"Nothing's wrong with Vivian?" Addison asks again.

Alex shrugs. "I'm pretty sure she cheats at chess, but besides that she's fine."

"But I got a page," Derek reiterates. "911."

"Well, it wasn't for Vivian." His eyes widen as realization dawns on him. "Shit, you don't know."

Derek looks at Alex in frustration. "Obviously not."

Alex shakes his head disapprovingly. "Follow me."

Addison and Derek do as they're told. And Addison knows who the patient is before they even reach the room.

She cringes at the unfairness of it all; it's always tougher when it's one of their own. But even more so she cringes at the softness in her husband's eyes—Meredith is standing just outside the doorway to the hospital room, frozen in place.

Addison used to know the look in Derek's eyes well. She used to be the sole recipient of that look.

"It's Ellis Grey, isn't it?" Derek asks, turning his attention from Meredith to Alex.

"It's bad," Alex admits. "She's completely delirious. She doesn't know who she is or where she is or—"

"Karev," Derek interrupts impatiently. "Is the patient Ellis Grey or not?"

Addison shoots her husband a sideways glance. To her it's clear as day that Ellis is the patient in question. But apparently, Derek needs to hear it out loud.

"It's Ellis Grey," Alex confirms. He shakes his head regretfully. "I guess it's a pretty crappy time to be a brilliant, old-timey surgeon, isn't it?"


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind response to the last chapter! I really appreciate your reviews and love hearing what you think. Here's the next chapter – it's a long one! I hope you like it, and as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

She knows it's unkind, but Addison wishes they would have paged a different neurosurgeon to be Ellis Grey's doctor. She feels guilty even thinking the thought. Ellis Grey single handily contributed so much to the medical profession. She deserves the best care possible ... and obviously that means Derek.

But Ellis Grey is also Meredith's mother. And despite the "mommy issues" that Meredith brings up a bit too flippantly and a bit too frequently for Addison's taste, at the end of the day, Meredith still cares. When things got real and Ellis was rushed to the hospital, Meredith was visibly upset. Which is both good and bad.

Good because it shows that Meredith does, in fact, care about her mother (though Addison always suspected that to be the case). Bad because that makes Derek her knight in shining armor. And if there's anything Seattle Derek loves, it's a damsel in distress. And Addison has to assume that the fact that said damsel is Meredith Grey only makes the whole thing more enticing to him.

"You should go back to the trailer," Derek says, ripping Addison from her thoughts. "This could take a while."

That's exactly what she's afraid of.

"I can wait."

"I know you can wait, but you don't have to."

She doesn't have to. She needs to.

She needs to know that Derek is just treating Ellis. She needs to know that if he is comforting Meredith, he's comforting her the way a doctor comforts a patient's family member. She needs to know that that's it. That he's not rubbing her back or kissing her temple ... or whatever he used to do to comfort her before she showed up in Seattle.

It's far too easy for her to imagine him pulling her into his arms reassuringly. And it's easy for her to imagine things escalating from there. Her burying her head in his neck. Him kissing her hair. Him kissing her lips. And it only gets worse and more maddening.

"I want to stay here," she insists as neutrally as possible.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Addison," Derek sighs in frustration.

"What?" She looks at him squarely. "You seem awfully eager to get rid of me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demands, eyes flashing.

She shrugs innocently. "Why don't you tell me?"

"I'm not a mind reader, Addison."

"I'm just saying, when it's Vivian you're treating, you've never asked me to leave. But with Ellis, you can't seem to get rid of me fast enough."

"That's ridiculous."

"Derek, I saw the way you were looking at Meredith."

"Sympathetically?"

Addison chuckles dryly. "Try lustfully."

"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Derek snipes, glaring at his wife angrily. "And in case you forgot, you were the one who cheated on me."

"How could I forget?" Addison retorts. "You never miss an opportunity to remind me ... and everyone else in this damn hospital, for that matter. And in case you forgot, Derek, you cheated on me too."

"I don't have time for this," Derek fumes. "I have a patient. We'll talk about this later."

"Unlikely."

"You know what Addison, if you want to stay, then go ahead and stay. I don't care what you do."

"That's exactly the problem."

He shakes his head in annoyance. "You know what? When I came into the trailer today ... before we started fighting ... I had every intention of telling you that I loved you."

"I'm supposed to believe that?" She looks at her husband in bewilderment. "Derek, you came into the trailer, compared me to my mother, threw my affair in my face, and threw me out of the trailer."

"That's not true."

"Derek," Addison rolls her eyes. "Come on."

"Fine, it's not entirely true. But—"

"But you have a patient," Addison cuts in. "And your page said 911. Your patient needs to be your priority. Go check on your patient."

Derek sighs heavily. He needs to check on Ellis. Though based on Karev's assessment, it doesn't seem as though Ellis' life is in immediate danger.

"Go check on your patient, Derek," Addison persists. She shrugs passively. "I'm giving you an out."

She is giving him an out. And even though he knows it's a trap, he finds himself taking it.

"We'll talk later, Addison."

She doubts that.

She watches Derek's retreating form and tries to figure out her next move. She can't go back to the trailer—she'll drive herself crazy.

She can't stop by Vivian's room. Vivian will know that something is wrong, and Addison doesn't want to burden her with her marital problems.

So, she makes her way to Derek's office. Despite the fact that she's working at Seattle Grace full time, Richard hasn't given her an office of her own. Maybe he knew something about her marriage that she didn't. Maybe everyone did.

She sits down on Derek's office couch, but she can't sit still. So she walks around his office, trying to get a sense of the person her husband is out here ... his new life. But there's not much to go off. His office is pretty empty. No pictures or plants or touches of personality. Fresh start, clean slate she supposes. Though this new persona is a little too blank and clean to be convincing.

She sits down in his office chair and feels a lump form in her throat as she scans his barren desk. Back in New York, a picture of the two of them used to sit in the now empty space.

She loved the picture too—her and Derek at Christmas time. She and Derek had gone skating at Rockefeller Center with Savvy and Weiss and Savvy had managed to snap a picture of them just as Derek was starting to fall. He'd reached out for Addison to catch his balance, and the two of them were wrapped in each other's arms, giggling hysterically as they tried to remain standing.

It's an adorable picture ... made even better by the fact that nobody but them, Savvy, and Weiss would ever guess that two seconds after the picture was taken, the two of them slipped and fell on top of each other.

Now, of course, the picture is bittersweet—the calm before the storm.

She can't help wondering what Derek did with the picture. Probably threw it out. Wood-chopping fishermen don't skate in Rockefeller Center. And Seattle Derek doesn't have a past.

She continues to explore his office and finds there's really not much to see. Aside from the couch, the office is void of personality. And right now, she could really use some personality. So she decides to visit Vivian.

How she ends up in front of Ellis Grey's hospital room, she has no idea. But never-the-less, there she is.

She doesn't know what compels her to discretely peak inside, but she does. And apparently she's not as discrete as she thought.

"I know you."

Addison shakes her head silently, hoping not to cause more of a scene.

"No," Ellis insists. "I do. Come in."

Addison sighs. Ellis Grey's memory is clearly compromised, but Addison has to hand it to Ellis—she sounds confident. And if Addison didn't know any better, she'd almost believe her.

"I'm Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," Addison says, extending a hand. "I'm the head of the neonatal department."

She looks around the room—Derek is nowhere to be seen. And Addison can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

It's good because he's not witnessing what could only be described as a possessive and desperate move on her part. She has no business stopping by Ellis' room.

But it's also bad because if he's not here, it means he's probably off somewhere with Meredith. The thought alone makes her nauseous.

"You remind me of one of my former residents, Caroline Peterson," Ellis says, cutting into Addison's thoughts.

Addison smiles. Residency was years ago, and with her husband's recent romantic entanglements with a twelve-year-old, it feels good to have someone imply that she looks young.

"I'll take that compliment."

"Don't," Ellis sniffs. "Caroline was a dud."

"Oh."

"So ... you run the neonatal department?"

"I do."

"So you're evidently not a dud." She closes her eyes and Addison can see her struggling. "And your name ...?"

"Addison. Addison Shepherd."

"Shepherd." Ellis looks thoughtful. "Shepherd," she repeats as if trying to place the name. "Shepherd."

"My husband's your doctor," Addison supplies.

Ellis stares at her blankly. "I suppose. So, tell me," Ellis continues, her eyes suddenly becoming curious. "You and your husband both work here?"

"We do."

"Are you the more talented surgeon?"

Addison chuckles. "I like to think I am."

Ellis rewards her with a rare, warm smile. "I have a feeling you are."

xxxxx

He's surprised when he comes back to Ellis' room and hears her deep in conversation. She's barely said two words to him. Or more accurately, she's only said two words to him— _you're incompetent_. So the fact that she's willingly conversing with anyone is shocking to him.

Of course, it only gets more shocking when he sees who she's talking to. None other than his wife.

"I used to be a brilliant surgeon too," he hears Ellis tell Addison, the sadness in her voice impossible to miss. "I used to be one of the most respected surgeons out there. And now ..." she sighs heavily. "Most days I can't remember my own name or what year it is or what city I live in."

He can't see Addison, but he imagines she's nodding her head sympathetically ... not weighing in on the matter, not sharing a personal story and making a moment that should be about Ellis about her instead.

"Do you know what that's like?" Ellis asks vulnerably. "To go from being a highly sought after surgeon to someone who isn't capable of living on her own?"

"No," Addison admits. "I can't even imagine."

Ellis nods approvingly. "I like you. You're a straight shooter. So am I. Well," she shakes her head regretfully, "I used to be, I think."

"I heard you were brilliant."

"I was. _Was_ , of course, being the operative word."

Addison nods. "If there was one thing you learned during your time as a surgeon that you could pass on to ... well …" she blushes, "me, what would it be?"

"That's easy." She meets Addison's eyes. "Don't let others dictate your path. I made that mistake a couple times, professionally and personally, and it nearly killed me. In the end, it's your career ... it's your life. You decide how you want it to go."

From his spot just outside the doorway, Derek feels the hair on the back of his neck rise. There's a feeling you get when you're in the presence of brilliance. He often feels this way around Vivian. He used to feel this way around his own mentor, Edward, all the time. And he's even felt this way around Richard. But never in a million years did he expect to feel that feeling around Ellis Grey. Sure, she was a brilliant surgeon, but based on everything he'd heard about her, he'd pretty much written her off.

Of course, he's unsurprised that Addison's the one to get Ellis talking ... to help him reach this realization. She always roots for the underdog, and people trust her implicitly.

He's so lost in his thoughts he almost forgets he has a job to do. But he does.

"Sorry to interrupt," he says as he walks into the room. "But I have a couple more tests to run."

Ellis' face shifts almost immediately. She stares at him coldly, her annoyance clear.

"If you must."

xxxxx

"What were you doing in Ellis' room?"

Derek has finished running the necessary tests and has evaluated the results of most of them. Now he and Addison are heading home for the evening.

Addison raises an eyebrow. "What _weren't_ you doing in her room?" she challenges.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know," Addison shrugs. "I just couldn't help but notice that you were nowhere to be found and Meredith was nowhere to be—"

"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Derek runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Do you honestly think I was off somewhere with Meredith?"

"Why would I think that?" Addison asks innocently. "That would be unprofessional." She rolls her eyes. "And you're nothing if not professional."

She's goading him and he knows it. And it's almost working. He opens his mouth to tell her that she has no right to act as the moral authority on what is and isn't professional when she slept with his best friend. But he shuts his mouth before the words come out.

"How do you do it?" he asks, purposefully changing the subject.

She looks at him in confusion. "Do what?"

"Get people to confide in you. Ellis Grey wanted nothing to do with me. But with you, she was an open book ... a completely different person."

"You were eavesdropping?"

"Kind of, I guess."

Addison shakes her head in mock disapproval. "Maybe she wasn't a different person completely," Addison challenges. "Maybe she was exactly who she is."

Derek nods in concession. "Still," he insists. "She talked to you. She confided in you."

Addison shrugs. "I asked. I listened. I—"

"You made it about her, not you." He smiles at her. "You're good at that."

She shrugs passively.

"You've always been good at getting people to tell you things. My sisters tell you more than they tell each other. And certainly more than they tell me. And ..." he swallows roughly. "Remember that one patient?"

He doesn't have to say more. She knows what he's talking about.

"You weren't there, Derek."

"So? You were. And you told me. And I remember."

She, of course, does too.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Everything looks good," Addison says, offering the expectant couple a warm smile. "And if you'd like, I can tell you the sex of your baby."_

 _The husband nods eagerly, but the wife cuts him off with a firm head shake._

 _"We don't want to know."_

 _"No,_ you _don't want to know," the husband corrects. His voice exasperated and his wife tinges red in embarrassment. "_ I _do."_

 _"This happens more than you'd think," Addison reassures the couple quickly, sensing the husband's annoyance and the wife's discomfort._

 _"Does it?" the husband challenges. "Do you get a lot of women who feel absolutely nothing as far as their pregnancies are concerned? No attachment, no maternal instincts ... nothing."_

 _"Everyone experiences pregnancy differently," Addison explains calmly. She gives the wife a reassuring smile. "And I wouldn't worry too much about maternal instincts. From what I've seen and heard, motherhood is a lot of trial and error."_

 _"Yeah, but it's as if she doesn't care," the husband persists. "Something is clearly bothering her, but she won't talk to me about it and she won't talk to our $200 an hour therapist about and—"_

 _"Dave, can you leave the room?"_

 _Addison looks at the wife in surprise, and so does her husband._

 _"But Gabby ..."_

 _"Dave, please."_

 _Dave shoots his wife another look of confusion, but he reluctantly leaves the room. And Addison turns to her patient, giving Gabby her undivided attention._

 _"I bet you think I'm pretty horrible," Gabby begins glumly._

 _"I don't."_

 _Gabby looks down at her hands sadly. "He's right," she admits. "I'm not interested."_

 _Addison nods in understanding. "Sometimes it takes a while to form a connection. That's not unheard of."_

 _"No, that's not it. I'm never going to be interested, and he shouldn't be either."_

 _Addison leans in closer, silently urging her patient to continue._

 _Gabby shakes her head regretfully. "It's not his baby."_

 _"Oh."_

 _Addison says it neutrally. Her job is to deliver a healthy baby—or handle the situation according to her patient's wishes—not to pass judgment on Gabby's sex life._

 _"I didn't cheat," Gabby continues. "That's probably what you're thinking."_

 _Addison shakes her head. Technically, it was exactly what she was thinking, but Gabby doesn't need to know that._

 _"I, um ..." Gabby trails off._

 _And Addison can tell by the look in Gabby's eyes that she wants to say something. But she quickly thinks better of it._

 _"You know what, it's okay," Gabby recovers." Everything is actually fine. I was lying to you before. Let's get Dave back in here. We can even find out the sex of the baby. I know he wants that."_

 _"Yeah," Addison says quietly." But do you?"_

 _She meets Gabby's eyes and a tear slides down her patient's cheek._

 _"No."_

 _Addison nods mutely._

 _"It's so shameful," Gabby admits, covering her mouth with her hands._

 _"I'm not here to judge you," Addison says gently. "No matter what it is."_

 _Gabby takes a deep breath and meets Addison's eyes._

 _"I, um ... It's hard to talk about."_

 _"That's okay. Take all the time you need."_

 _"Don't you have other patients?" Gabby asks, clearly deflecting. "Ones who actually want to meet their baby?"_

 _Addison shrugs. "I'll cancel on them. This is important," she adds, growing serious._

 _"Dr. Shepherd," Gabby whispers, her whole body trembling._

 _Addison leans forward, expecting Gabby to say more. But she doesn't. And for a moment, the two women stare at each other silently._

 _Until Gabby starts talking._

" _I was raped."_

Raped. _The word rings in Addison's ears._

 _"And Dave doesn't know."_

 _Addison nods mutely as she battles with the nausea curdling in her stomach. She wraps a comforting arm around her patient, holding her silently while she breaks down in her arms._

 _"I was too ashamed to tell him," Gabby admits through tears. "I was going to, but ... I don't know. And the next thing I knew I was pregnant and I was telling Dave it was his."_

 _Addison shakes her head. "Is there any chance—"_

 _"No. Trust me." She sighs. "Around the time that it, uh, happened, I was working all the time. Dave and I both were. We barely had time to say two words to each other, let alone conceive a baby." She covers her face with her hands as tears course down her cheeks. "I should have told Dave what happened. I shouldn't have told him the baby was his. I should have just told him. I don't know why I didn't."_

 _Addison places a reassuring hand on her patient's shoulder as she continues to sob. She can feel Gabby trembling in her arms. There's nothing she can say to fix the situation or even make Gabby feel better. Still, she's going to try._

" _A horrible thing happened to you, Gabby," she says gently. "You were dealing with a lot. And you made the decision you made."_

 _"Yeah, a stupid one."_

 _Addison shakes her head. "Nothing good is going to come from beating yourself up about the past. The question is what do you want to do about the future?"_

 _Gabby exhales shakily. "What are my options?" she chokes out. "Medically speaking?"_

 _"Well, you could have the baby. You could terminate. You could give the—"_

 _"If I terminate ... would you ... could you be the one ... do you even do ..."_

 _"I could perform the procedure," Addison says, answering the question Gabby couldn't ask._

 _"Oh," Gabby nods. "Okay." She exhales deeply. "I'm not saying that's what I want. I just ... I want to know my options."_

 _"That's fair," Addison nods. "This isn't a decision you need to make today. But it is a decision you need to make soon."_

 _"Yeah," Gabby says quietly. "And … I … know I should talk to Dave. I know that. But I … I just … would it be okay if you and I talked about it a little more?"_

 _"Of course."_

 _"Thank you," Gabby sighs in relief and meets Addison's eyes. "I just ... I feel like I can tell you things."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"That was a long time ago, Derek."

"Yeah, so?"

"Things are different."

"They're different," Derek concedes. "But not that different. Patients still share things with you that they don't share with anyone else. Gabby did. Ellis did."

Addison shrugs. "What's your point, Derek?"

"My point is maybe things haven't changed as much as I thought."

Addison is about to respond when they hear Ellis struggling with one of the nurses.

"No, don't call Dr. Shepherd!" they hear Ellis shout. "He's useless. He's inept. An intern had more sense than he does. Don't call him!"

Addison and Derek immediately look toward the door, and a flustered-looking nurse bustles out of Ellis' room.

"She's fine," the nurse reassures them. "She's just … feisty."

Derek shakes his head and turns to Addison. "She hates me."

"She'll warm up to you." She gives him a sideways glance. "Why do you care so much about whether Ellis likes you anyway?"

"Because she's a surgical giant."

"Okay," Addison chortles. She swallows roughly and grows serious. "Ellis won't be a bad mother-in-law," she tells him, picking at an already very open metaphorical wound. "A little cold, maybe. And kind of pretentious. But overall, she's not bad."

"I already have a very cold and very pretentious mother-in-law that I'm more than happy with," Derek mutters.

Addison can't help chuckling at that. And sensing that he's gaining ground, Derek wraps an arm around her waist.

"And I know you don't believe me right now, but I also have a wife that I'm very happy with as well."

She shrugs passively. She doesn't believe him. But Derek also knows from spending eleven-plus years with her that she doesn't want to discuss it.

"Let's go visit Vivian," he suggests. "I know Karev said she's okay, but I want to see it with my own eyes."

Addison nods mutely. She feels the same way. And if both she and Derek go, the topic of Addison-and-Derek will be less likely to come up.

Or so she thought.

"You know what you two need?" Vivian asks, giving Addison and Derek the once over.

They've been in her hospital room for about ten minutes making what Addison thought was light conversation.

"You two need a night out, just the two of you."

"Vivian," Addison starts, "I don't think—"

"You need a night out," Vivian insists. "And I'm going to finance it. Addison, get my purse."

"Vivian, you don't need to do this," Addison counters.

"I know I don't need to," Vivian says. "But I want to. So hand me my purse and indulge me."

Addison does what she's told and hands Vivian her purse. And Vivian hands Addison her credit card.

Addison looks at her mentor uncertainly. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Vivian smiles. She gestures for Derek to come closer. "Now, go. Have a good time. Unwind a bit."

Derek and Addison nod dutifully. Addison is still certain that this is a bad idea, but you don't argue with Vivian Carlsmith. You just don't.

"Thank you," she tells her mentor appreciatively.

"Yeah, thank you," Derek echoes.

"Don't mention it," Vivian says, smiling at them warmly. "Now go, have fun."

They turn to leave and are making their way out of the hospital when Addison feels her phone buzz in her pocket. She quickly checks it and feels her body tense when she sees she has a text from Vivian.

"Is everything okay?" Derek asks, noticing the change in his wife's demeanor.

"I ... I don't know," Addison admits. "I got a text from Vivian."

"I'm sure everything's fine," Derek reassures her. "I mean if something were seriously wrong, Vivian wouldn't be able to text you herself."

"I guess that's true."

And when Addison opens the text, she sees it's absolutely true.

 _Have fun at dinner tonight, Addison. And just so you know, this dinner isn't free. You can pay me back tomorrow by sharing the details.  
_ _-_ _Vivian_

"I take it everything's okay," Derek assesses when he hears his wife chuckle.

Addison nods. "Everything's fine." She shakes her head in amusement. "It seems as though Vivian's time at Seattle Grace has turned her into a bit of a gossip."

"Really?" Derek laughs. "What'd she say?"

Addison shakes her head and smiles. "She's just being her wonderful, charming self."


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on the last chapter! I really appreciate them! Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. It's a longish chapter, so hopefully it's worth the wait. I hope you like it, and thanks again for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Dinner with her husband should be a simple thing. But, lately, nothing with her and Derek has been simple. One second he's holding her and saying sweet things, the next, he's throwing her out of his trailer and shooting lustful looks in Meredith's direction.

Addison, of course, hasn't slept with her husband since he told her he couldn't save Vivian—the day he turned down her advances. And, of course, there are his words from earlier echoing in her ears. _I was going to tell you_ _I loved you_. She's pretty sure she doesn't believe that, but it doesn't mean his words aren't affecting her.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks, briefly taking his eyes off the road to glance at his wife, who's sitting in the passenger seat.

Addison nods. "Yeah. It's just … been a long day."

"It has," Derek agrees. "I'm glad Vivian suggested this."

"I guess." Technically, Addison still has her reservations about the idea, but the missiles are in the air and there's not much she can do. "Where are we going anyway?"

"I don't know," Derek admits. He gives his wife a sideways glance. "You're the restaurant connoisseur. I figured you'd have a place in mind."

"I know restaurants in New York," Addison reminds her husband. "I don't know much about Seattle."

"Neither do I." He pulls onto a side street and puts the car in park. "Do you feel like a certain type of food in particular?" he asks, taking out his phone.

Addison shrugs. "Somewhere with a view."

"That's not a type of food," Derek smirks.

"But it narrows things down."

"I guess that's true," Derek concedes.

Addison grins in satisfaction. "So, do you know a place?"

"No," Derek says slowly, trying to buy himself time to think.

"Hey," he says after a moment. "You know what place has a great view?"

"No. Where?"

"The hospital."

"Derek, I'm pretty sure the hospital cafeteria isn't quite what Vivian had in mind when she said we needed to go out somewhere," Addison condescends, the irritation in her voice impossible to miss. "And I know you think she's cute, but I'm sorry, Derek … Meredith Grey is hardly what I'd call a view."

"Shut up," Derek chuckles, his eyes crinkling in amusement. "I wasn't talking about the hospital cafeteria. And the view I was referring to was the Space Needle, not Meredith." He turns to his wife. "You really need to get over Meredith." He shrugs nonchalantly. "I have."

Addison's not sure about that, but she has to admit, it feels good to hear him say that. And with everything that's going on, maybe for tonight (and just tonight) she can pretend that it's true.

"So, what do you have in mind, Derek?"

"The hospital roof," he explains. "It's private and has a great view."

Addison weighs the option carefully. "I guess we could brown bag it up there."

"I was thinking something a little more refined."

"Snob," Addison teases, nudging Derek good-naturedly with her elbow. "And don't you dare think of calling me a snob back."

"Nah," Derek chuckles. "Too easy."

Addison shakes her head at him, half in amusement, half in disapproval. But she quickly grows serious. "We could get some wine and some good bread and maybe some cheese and fruit and bring it up to the roof."

"That's more in line with what I was thinking."

"And we could save Vivian some money," Addison continues. "It doesn't feel right letting her pay for dinner. I'm more comfortable with this."

Derek can't resist smiling at that. It's no big secret that Vivian is very well-off financially. It's also no big secret that Addison is very good at spending money. But her reluctance to spend Vivian's money in no way surprises him. He knows how much Addison respects Vivian and knows she'd never even want to give the appearance of taking advantage.

After picking up the necessary things, they're back at the hospital and making their way up to the roof.

"I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be up here … with alcohol," Derek says, his conscience kicking in.

"So?" Addison shrugs, clearly unfazed. "When have you and I ever been rule-followers?"

Derek chuckles. It's a fair point. Dr. and Dr. Shepherd follow the rules. Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd ... not so much. And over the years, they've certainly gotten themselves in trouble for believing they could circumvent the rules. That, and their lack of discretion.

"I wasn't saying it's a problem," Derek recovers as he opens the door to the roof. "I was just saying I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be up here."

He spreads out the picnic blanket they'd picked up and motions for her to sit down next to him.

"Wine?" she asks, untwisting the top to the wine bottle.

He nods and she pour a sizable amount of red wine into a plastic cup.

"Imagine if Bizzy could see me now," she muses. "Sitting on the floor drinking twist-off wine in a plastic cup."

"This isn't bad wine," Derek insists. "You can actually get pretty decent wine with twist-off tops nowadays."

"I know that." Addison shoots her husband a pointed look. "My mother doesn't."

Derek nods in concession. "Yeah, but the part of all this that Bizzy would find most off-putting wouldn't be the twist-top wine or the plastic cups or the fact that you're sitting on the floor. It would be that you're here with me."

"Bizzy likes you," Addison defends. "In her way."

Derek chuckles.

"How about we stop talking about my mother," Addison suggests. "Vivian said we needed to relax. I'm pretty sure that talking about Bizzy will have the opposite effect. At least for me."

Derek nods in agreement.

"Addison, about today ..."

She raises an eyebrow. "Which part of today?"

He sighs. "All of it. What happened in the trailer … what happened when we got to the hospital … Addie, I—"

"That's not exactly a relaxing conversation either, Derek."

"I know," he admits.

He reaches into the bag of groceries they'd bought to pull out a loaf of bread and some olive oil. And Addison studies him closely.

Not talking about what happened is easier. Though not talking about it isn't exactly relaxing either. It's anxiety-inducing.

"Let's start with what happened at the hospital," Addison says, going for the jugular. And Derek looks at her in surprise.

"Okay," he says quietly.

Addison sighs. "Maybe it's not fair for me to feel this way given everything I've done, but whenever Meredith's around, I feel like I'm always second best ... an afterthought ... an inconvenience."

"Addison."

"It's true, Derek."

"It's not true," Derek disagrees. "Maybe when you first came out here. But not anymore."

Addison shakes her head in defeat.

"I'm telling you, Addison," Derek insists. "I had very easy excuses to spend time alone with Meredith today, but—"

"Great," Addison mutters, reaching for her wine.

"Addison." He reaches for her cup of wine and takes it from her hand before she's able to drink it.

"Derek." She glares at him. "What are you doing?"

"What I'm about to tell you is important. And I want to make sure you're completely sober."

 _Talk first, wine later._ That's the way it should be.

He places her cup of wine down and meets her eyes."I love you."

"I don't believe you."

She starts to stand up, but he stops her.

 _Don't let her go._

"I'm not letting you walk away. If you go, we don't stand a chance. We don't stand a chance if you go. And, Addie, I want a chance."

She looks up and their eyes connect. His are confident. Hers are uncertain.

"I mean it," Derek insists, sensing her disbelief. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Over the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about us."

"You have?"

"Yeah." He clears his throat uncomfortably. "I didn't know how to be with you and not be angry about what happened in New York. I'm still not sure how to do it," he admits. "But I'm okay with that. Because I know I want to be with you."

"Be with me?" Addison raises an eyebrow. "Be with me the way we were when we first got married? Or be with me the way you've been with me in Seattle? Because you haven't been with me in Seattle, Derek. Not really, at least."

Derek nods in concession. "We're not the people we were when we first got married," he points out, a hint of sadness in his voice. "Those people were young and very naive. They didn't go through what we've gone through ... what we're still going through. Their idea of a major argument was whether to spend their hard-earned Christmas vacation time with family or alone together. Or ..." he gives her a small smile, "whether to use Vivian as a first or middle name for their daughter."

Addison can't help smiling at that. But there's sadness behind her smile. She misses the people they used to be.

"We're not those people anymore," Derek continues. "And we'll never be them. Our fights will be ugly and messy and serious ... and probably more frequent than either of us would like. But I'm okay with that. Because I know I want to be with you. Through the good and the bad."

 _Time after time, after time, after time.  
_  
Addison meets his eyes. She wants to believe he's serious. She wants to believe he means it. But there's still so much to sort through. What's going to happen when he sees Mark for the first time? (Because it's bound to happen.) Will she be able to trust him around Meredith? (Because she couldn't today.) What's going to happen the next time he prioritizes work over her or misses something important because he's working? (Because that's bound to happen too.)

"Addison ...?"

"I ... we made such a mess of things, Derek."

"I know," he nods. "But I also know that I love you and want to be with you. And the rest ... we'll figure it out."

Addison feels moisture building in her eyes. The things Derek is saying are undeniably sweet. They're the things she's wanted to hear him say ever since she moved out to Seattle. Still, the tears forming in her eyes aren't tears of joy or relief. They're tears of sadness.

"Derek, I ..." She shakes her head regretfully. "I don't think … I don't believe you."

And with those four words, his world comes to a halt. He feels his heart pounding in his throat.

 _I don't believe you._ She doesn't believe him.

"Add—"

"I want us to work, Derek. I've spent my entire time in Seattle trying to make things work. But I've been the only one trying."

"I've been trying," Derek insists.

She gives him a sideways glance, which wordlessly, but clearly tells him to drop the bullshit.

"So, why now?" Addison continues. "Why are you suddenly interested in making things work with me?"

"I—"

"You feel bad," Addison interrupts. "Because my mentor is dying. Because I'm being sued. You feel bad … and you have this need to be a good guy. You feel like you have an obligation—"

"I don't," Derek insists. "Maybe when you first showed up here, but—"

"Is that the only reason you took me back? Because it was your husbandly obligation to."

"I ..." Derek trails off hesitantly.

Addison shakes her head sadly. "You know what? I'll spare you the discomfort. I already know the answer to that question."

She starts to get up, but once again he stops her.

 _Don't let her go._

"Let me go, Derek."

"No."

 _Don't let her go._

"Derek," she says, growing angry.

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you," he says, keeping a hand firmly on her forearm to prevent her from getting up and walking away. "When you first came out here, I took you back out of obligation. I made no effort. And I think the only person I managed to convince that I was trying was ... well ... me." He looks at her sadly. "I'm sorry. I know I can't take any of that back. And I'm sorry. But I mean it when I tell you that I love you. And I mean it when I say I want to be with you."

"Derek."

"And I know it may not be easy. And I know there will be times when one or both of us mess up badly. But I don't care."

"You will care, Derek. Because eventually things will go back to normal. My lawsuit will get resolved and Vivian will ..." She shakes her head sadly. "Things will go back to normal," she recovers. "And you'll go back to pretending I don't exist."

"That's not true."

"It is true. You're only saying these things because you feel bad about everything that's going on right now."

"No," Derek insists. "That's the reason I've waited so long to say these things to you. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea and think that I only want to be with you because of Vivian or your lawsuit or—"

"Clearly that didn't work," Addison mutters.

"Clearly not. But, Addie ..." He meets her eyes and gives her a small smile. "You and I both know I have a hard time with timing ... especially for important things."

She swallows thickly. "Our engagement?"

"Among other things."

It's true. They never could quite get the timing right in their relationship. It took him nearly a month to ask her out after their eyes first met over the cadaver. Then there was their engagement. They almost didn't take a honeymoon because they were so busy working. And, of course, there were the kids that they both desperately wanted but never had.

But for a moment, they're both stuck on their engagement.

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

" _That's sparkly," Nancy smiles, gesturing to the engagement ring on Addison's finger. The ring Derek had put there last night. "Congratulations," Nancy continues, pulling Addison into a warm hug. "Welcome to the family ... well, officially."_

 _"And you ..." she says turning to her brother. "It's about time."_

 _Derek chuckles good-naturedly as he hugs his sister hello._

 _"I'm serious," Nancy persists. "I went ring shopping with you back in November. It's April." She shakes her head disapprovingly. "That's almost six months."_

 _Addison quirks an eyebrow at her fiancé in confusion. "Six months? Did you have doubts?"_

 _Derek glares at his sister. "Thanks for that," he mutters dryly. He turns back to Addison, his eyes soft. "I've never been more certain of anything in my life. I just ..." He tinges red. "This is going to sound stupid._

 _"Let me be the judge of that," Addison counters._

 _"Let_ us _be the judge of that," Nancy amends._

 _"Nanc." Derek shoots his sister a look of disapproval._

 _"Right," Nancy says quickly. "Why don't I give you two a minute? I need to check on the roast anyway."_

 _Derek watches his sister's retreating form and turns to his fiancée._

 _"I didn't wait to propose because I was having second thoughts about marrying you. Nothing could be farther from the truth." He looks down in embarrassment. "November starts off the holiday season. And I didn't want my proposal to compete with Thanksgiving or Christmas. And then it was New Years and Valentine's Day. And I didn't want to compete with those holidays either. So I used March as a pallet cleanser. And here we are in April ..." He blushes brightly. "Engaged … finally." He runs a hand through his hair and meets her eyes. "So … how stupid do I sound?"_

 _Addison chuckles. "You don't sound stupid. A little crazy, maybe," she concedes, grazing his arm with her hand. "But I don't care." She wraps her arms around him. "I just care that we end up together."_

 _He smiles widely and holds her closer. "Oh, we end up together," he assures her._

 _"Good." She snuggles into him and kisses him sweetly. "I love you, Derek."_

 _"I love you too," he murmurs before kissing her deeply._

 _They're so lost in each other, neither notices Nancy, who has re-entered the room and is clearing her throat loudly._

 _"Newly engaged couples really shouldn't be allowed out in public for at least forty-eight hours after their engagement," she mutters, finally succeeding in catching Addison and Derek's attention._

 _They reluctantly pull apart, both of their cheeks flushed._

 _"So, I take it you were satisfied with Derek's excuse," Nancy assesses, directing her attention towards Addison, who's looking at Derek adoringly. "You're a better woman than I am, Addie."_

 _"Well, that goes without saying," Derek quips._

 _"Cute," Nancy mutters, shaking her head at Derek in disapproval. "But seriously, Derek," she continues, all hints of joking in her voice now completely gone. "Do yourself a favor and listen to what I'm about to tell you because it's probably the most important piece of advice I'll ever give you."_

 _"And what's that?" Derek asks cockily._

 _"You have an amazing fiancée," Nancy continues seriously, ignoring Derek's arrogant tone. "Don't let her go."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"That night feels so long ago," Addison says quietly.

"And apparently old habits die hard," Derek reflects. "I couldn't get the timing right then, and I can't get it right now."

"Not necessarily."

Derek looks at Addison in surprise.

"I said it back then, and I'll say it now. I just care that we end up together. _Really_ end up together."

He looks at her hopefully and pulls her into his lap. "What are you saying, Addison?"

"I'm saying I love you too. And I want to give our marriage another chance."

"I do too," he smiles. "And not because I feel bad about everything that's going on right now ... and not out of obligation. I want to give us a chance because I love you, and that's reason enough. I just—"

But she cuts him off with a deep kiss, and he pulls her on top of him. And for the first time in a long time, he kisses her back just as passionately, running his hands through her long hair.

She can't remember the last time they kissed like this. Kissing because they want to. Not because one or both of them is upset. But because they love each other and, and that's reason enough.

She pulls back and meets his eyes.

"Now what?" she asks quietly, tracing light patterns on his bicep.

He wraps his arms around her and kisses her lightly. "Now we try."

"Try?" She looks up.

"Yeah. Try."

She shakes her head. "Do or do not. There is no try."

"Are you quoting Star Wars?" he chuckles. "I always knew you were secretly a fan."

"Please," Addison scoffs. "It's literally the only line I know. Still ..." she continues thoughtfully, "there's a lot of truth to that line."

He nods. "So, we don't try. We figure things out." He runs a hand through her hair and smiles. "I want to figure things out. It ... just ... I needed to take a couple of trips down memory lane to realize it. But I want to make things work. And I mean it this time."

"Really?" She looks up at him hopefully.

"Really," he smiles, kissing her soundly. He pulls her in closer and buries his head in her neck. "Remember when we first got engaged and Nancy told me to never let you go?"

"Yeah."

"I don't say this often about my sister, but she was right." He smiles slightly. "And this time ... this time I'm going to listen to her."


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Thanks so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter and the story so far! I know I say it a lot, but it's always true – I love hearing what you think.

Here's the next chapter. Today seemed like a pretty perfect day to update. In the US, we fell behind an hour today for Daylight Savings Time. So it felt like a good day to update a story where the characters are constantly falling behind.

I hope you like this chapter. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Addison hears what has become familiar chatter as she makes her way toward Vivian's room.

"Okay, what do these labs show?" a voice that unmistakably belongs to Vivian asks.

"TTTS," another voice answers. Addison recognizes that voice as Karev's.

"Good." That's Vivian again. "And what does that mean?"

"Blood isn't flowing evenly amongst the two babies." That's Karev again. "So one twin is getting too much and the other isn't getting enough."

"Exactly. And what course of treatment would you recommend?"

"Immediate surgery. Preferably laparoscopic. It's the least invasive."

Addison can't help smiling. Vivian and Karev—it's an unlikely friendship, but it's a friendship nevertheless.

"Good morning," Addison beams as she walks into Vivian's room.

"Good morning," Vivian grins.

Addison turns to her mentor and student. "It sounds like you two were having a pretty serious conversation for ..." she glances at her watch, "8 in the morning."

Vivian chuckles. "We were just running through an upcoming surgery. And I like it. Teaching makes me feel useful."

Addison smiles at Vivian and quickly turns to Karev. "Make sure you listen to her. Listen to every word she says."

Alex nods dutifully. And Addison smiles knowing that the opportunity to learn from Vivian Carlsmith isn't being wasted on him.

"I should probably go," Alex says. "I've got rounds and Bailey will rip me a new one if I'm late." He turns to Vivian. "Thanks for your help this morning, Dr. Carlsmith. I'll stop by later."

"I'll see you later, Alex," Vivian smiles as Alex makes his way toward the door.

Addison watches her intern's retreating form before turning her attention to Vivian.

"He's a completely different doctor around you. I don't know how you do it."

"I didn't do anything," Vivian disagrees. "He's a talented doctor and you were the one who first recognized it. So any change in him you're seeing ... that's all you."

Addison smiles modestly at her mentor's compliment.

"Here's your credit card," she says, handing Vivian her platinum card.

"Thanks," Vivian smiles.

"No, thank you."

"It was my pleasure. And you two looked like you could use a night out."

Addison nods in agreement. "You were right. But then again you always are."

Vivian chuckles. "So you two had a good time?"

"We did."

"Good." Vivian gives Addison a mischievous smile. "Derek told me as much as well."

"Derek was here already?"

"No, but he sent me a text first thing this morning." Vivian gives Addison a warm smile. "I'm glad last night went well."

xxxxx

Addison knows what it's like to have people gossip about her. When she first showed up in Seattle as Derek's secret wife, people talked about her nonstop.

In fact, hospital gossip about her has been pretty steady ever since she arrived at Seattle Grace. It's kind of become something she's used to.

But today, the gossip is off the charts. And people aren't even trying to be subtle.

"Did you see the wedding ring on Dr. Shepherd's finger?" a nurse asks loudly, paying no mind to the fact that Addison can hear every word she's saying.

"Yeah, so?" another shrugs, unimpressed. "She always wears her rings."

"I wasn't talking about her," the first says. " _He's_ wearing his wedding band."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You two might want to keep it down," a third nurse advises. "The wife is standing right over there."

"So?" the first sniffs. "I'm sure she knows better than anybody that he's wearing his ring again."

Normally, this type of gossip would irritate her, but today, Addison doesn't care.

For the first time in a long time things with Derek are good. She's not walking on eggshells or hiding her feelings. Things are a far cry from perfect—and they still have a lot to work through—but things are good.

And this morning, when Derek went to his sock drawer, pulled out his wedding band, and slipped it on his finger, she felt like maybe she's not crazy to believe there's hope for them after all.

She glances at her watch and frowns. Derek is supposed to meet her for lunch and he's late. She's just about to text him when he bustles over to her looking agitated and flustered.

Addison raises an eyebrow in concern.

"I was just cornered by Sean Petrucci's lawyer," Derek explains irritably. "He wants me to testify as a character witness."

"What?"

"He's trying to prove that you're prone to acting impulsively ... both in your personal and professional life. And he wants to use our recent separation as evidence."

"Are you joking?" Addison asks incredulously.

Derek shakes his head. "It's going to be alright," he reassures her quickly.

But Addison's not so sure.

As much as her personal life has been front and center lately, it hasn't really affected her professional identity. Even though the majority of people at Seattle Grace hate her, none of them can deny that she's a talented doctor and dedicated teacher.

But with this, her affair has the potential to ruin her medical career. And quite possibly her and Derek's relationship as well.

"This is a good thing, Addie," Derek reassures, loosely wrapping an arm around her waist.

Addison looks at him in confusion. "How is this a good thing?"

"It shows they don't have much of a case if they think it's a good idea to have me testify against you."

"Derek, you moved across the country and wouldn't talk to me for months because of what I did. That's not going to look good."

"Addison, if anything, I come off just as irrationally as you do. Me moving across the country and dating a significantly younger woman doesn't exactly scream responsible, stable doctor." He shakes his head. "The jury will probably think _I_ had some type of mid-life crisis."

Addison chuckles.

"That's what Kathleen's telling everyone," Derek mumbles.

"Really?"

Derek nods. "But none of that matters. It's all irrelevant. Because your personal life has no bearing on the incredible surgeon you are and the decisions you make in the OR ... which 99.999% of the time, are the right ones."

Addison raises an eyebrow. "The Marshall case?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking of."

"I made the right decision," Addison insists.

Derek chuckles. "That's not how I remember it."

 _~ I fall behind ~_

" _Addison, let me stabilize the mother," Derek persists. "Then you can save the baby."_

 _"There's not enough time for that, Derek," Addison disagrees. "I've got to deliver now."_

 _"The mother isn't strong enough for that Addison. She has severe head trauma. Let me stabilize her."_

 _"And I already told you," Addison says through gritted teeth, "that there isn't enough time."_

 _"What the hell are you doing, Addison?" Derek demands as his wife reaches for a scalpel._

 _"I told you, I'm delivering the baby."_

 _"Addison, put the scalpel down now."_

 _"No."_

 _"Addison, I need to operate on the mother."_

 _"You will. After I deliver the baby ... who can't wait much longer."_

 _The two residents assisting on the case look back between the married couple as though watching a tennis match. Usually the Shepherds are the picture of unity and cohesion when they operate together. So today is new and different._

 _"Addison, put down the scalpel."_

 _"No." She turns to her resident. "Watch the monitor."_

 _"Addison, I said put down the scalpel now."_

 _"Derek, no."_

 _"It's too risky this way, Addison."_

 _"Trust me, Derek, this is the right way to do it."_

 _She makes the incision and delivers a screaming and squirming baby boy._

 _"His vitals are strong," Addison says after quickly assessing her tiny patient. She turns to her resident. "Finish confirming that the baby's healthy."_

 _"Addison," Derek says, his eyes flickering toward the beeping monitors. "I need you to—"_

 _"I know," Addison nods. "I will."_

 _She stitches up the mother in record time while her husband prepares for his part of the surgery._

 _And as Derek starts to work, Addison watches him proudly._

 _He was right before—it's a risky surgery. And if it she were working with any surgeon besides Derek, she would have let them operate first. But having Derek operate second gives the baby the best chance of not facing complications down the line. And she trusts her husband to save the mother._

 _"Done," Derek declares triumphantly as he makes the final stitch._

 _Addison smiles at her husband warmly. "Nice job, Der."_

 _"Yeah, nice job, Dr. Shepherd," the two residents chorus, clearly impressed._

 _He's largely silent until they're scrubbing out._

 _"You made that surgery unnecessarily difficult for me," he mutters to his wife, not meeting her eyes, as he washes his hands thoroughly._

 _Addison sighs. "It was the right way to do it, Derek. In the long run, doing it this way was—"_

 _"I know," Derek admits. "Still ... I didn't want to be the reason that baby grew up without a mother."_

 _Addison nods in understanding. "But you're not. And you're a big part of the reason that baby has a shot of living a completely normal life."_

 _"I know, I just …"_

 _"You did good work in there, Der. You pulled off something that very few surgeons could have done. Celebrate that and stop worrying about what could have been."_

 _He nods mutely._

 _"Yes, we took a risk in there today," Addison continues. She can see that Derek isn't letting things go just yet. "I audibled at the last minute and that mad the surgery riskier for you. And if I'd been working with anyone but you, I wouldn't have taken the risk." She turns to her husband and meets his eyes. "But because of you, it doesn't look like the baby's going to face any long-term complications. He's going to live a completely healthy life, and his mom's going to be around to watch and share in that." She nudges him playfully, bumping her hip against his. "Who's the hero now?"_

 _He chuckles and gives her a wide smile. "Us."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~  
_

"I guess you did make the right decision," Derek concedes, his tone teasingly begrudging.

But when he sees the look of concern on his wife's face, he quickly grows serious.

"Sean's lawyer is building a weak case. They can't use your personal life to discredit your professional judgment. It's not an apples-to-apples comparison."

Addison knows Derek's right. But, still, she can't help worrying that a jury may not see it that way. And to add insult to injury, Derek—who played a key role in helping her become the doctor she is today—could potentially play a large part in her professional undoing.

Addison shakes her head in frustration. "She wanted me to save her baby, I saved her baby. Plain and simple."

"Exactly," Derek agrees. "And every jury in America will see that. Sean's just spiteful."

Addison nods in cautious agreement.

"Oh, and not to change the subject from people who hate you to people that hate me," Derek continues with a smirk, "but Ellis Grey is leaving today, and she said that before she leaves she wants to speak to the only doctor around here with any talent." He looks at his wife squarely. "I'm assuming she's talking about you."

Addison chuckles.

"I know for certain she's not talking about me," Derek goes on. "She had no problem telling me what she thought about me today." He shakes his head. "That woman doesn't mince words. I haven't had someone talk to me like that since I was an intern."

Addison smiles at her husband. "I'll stop by her room on our way to lunch."

They're making their way towards Ellis' room when they see Sean Petrucci, pushing Gwen in her wheelchair, heading their way.

"What, no friendly greeting?" Sean snipes when the married couple goes out of their way to ignore her.

Addison looks at Sean in confusion. "Are you stalking me?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Dr. Shepherd," Sean quips, rolling her eyes. "Gwen's here for physical therapy. Not that I'd expect you to understand or care. And …" her eyes flash, as she catches Addison looking at Gwen fondly, "don't you dare think about trying to introduce yourself to my daughter."

"I—"

Sean turns to Derek. "I take it my lawyer was in touch with you."

"We're not going to talk about that," Addison insists firmly. She looks at Gwen meaningfully. "Not here, not now."

"Don't act like you're taking the high road," Sean scoffs. "I'll see you in court."

"I look forward to it," Addison responds tersely. "Now, if you don't mind, I have a job to do and lives to save." And without waiting for a response, she and Derek brush past Sean and Gwen.

"Mommy, who's that?" they hear Gwen ask as they walk away.

"A very bad, bad woman," Sean replies easily.

Addison feels her throat go dry at that.

"Don't worry about her," Derek reassures, wrapping an arm around Addison's waist.

"How can she say that?" Addison asks, stunned.

"I don't know," Derek admits. "I just know she's wrong on every level."

"I saved her daughter's life. And she was so grateful."

"I know," Derek nods. "She thanked you profusely. She even thanked me and ..." He pales. "Wait a minute."

Addison looks at her husband in confusion. "Derek?"

"I ... Sean and I had a conversation while you were in the NICU checking on Gwen ... all those years ago." He swallows roughly. "I'm not sure but ... Addison, I think I remember something."


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter and the story so far; I really appreciate it!

Sorry it took me so long to post this next chapter. Technically, right now, I should probably be packing and not posting, since I have a flight early tomorrow morning … and I, of course, haven't even started packing. But posting seemed more fun. Also, it's apparently national TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) Day, and since a TTTS case was one of Addison's very first storylines on Grey's, posting today feels appropriate.

I hope you like it this next chapter. And as always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

* * *

"Do you have Sean's medical records?" Derek asks.

He and Addison are sitting in his office where they can talk in private.

"I don't," Addison says regretfully. "I don't have any patient files out here with me. Although ..." she runs a hand through her hair, "my lawyer is in the process of securing Gwen's files for the trial. I'll ask her ... No," she shakes her head, "I'll request Sean's records myself. It'll be quicker that way. And less messy."

Derek nods approvingly as Addison calls in the request from the New York hospital where she performed Gwen's surgery and delivered her.

She turns to Derek, her eyes bright. "Are you sure you're remembering correctly?"

"I think I am."

"I hope you are."

"Yeah," Derek smiles. "Me too."

"It's going to take a little while for the hospital to send me the files," Addison tells her husband. "There's all this medical red tape we have to deal with."

Derek nods. "I thought there might be."

"Yeah," Addison sighs in disappointment. "Now what?"

"Now we wait."

"Yeah, but ..."

"Addie," Derek chides.

"I know," Addison mutters. "It's just ... not easy."

"I know," Derek agrees sympathetically. He wraps his arms around her and gives her a teasing smile. "Oh, and while we're waiting, I think it would be best for both of us to avoid Sean Petrucci like the plague."

Addison chuckles. "Believe me, Honey, you don't need to twist my arm there."

xxxxx

So they wait. They spend time with Vivian. They operate and teach. And they spend time working on their relationship—remembering what it's like to be Addison-and-Derek.

And time is passing. And Vivian's birthday is fast approaching.

"Dr. Shepherd," Alex says, knocking on Derek's office door.

Derek looks up and smiles. "Karev, what can I do for you?"

"I, um …" Karev blushes. "I was hoping you could help me with something. I was going to buy Vivian flowers for her birthday. But the thing is I've never bought flowers for anyone. And I figured you've probably bought a lot of flowers, so I was hoping you could help me out."

"I have bought a lot of flowers," Derek agrees.

"So, will you help me?"

"I'll help you," Derek reassures Karev with a smile. "Although I've got to tell you I'm a little surprised that you came to me and not Addison."

"I went to her first," Alex admits. "I just ... I figured you have more experience than she does buying flowers on a budget."

Derek chuckles. "She does have expensive taste." He gives Alex a warm smile. "I'm happy to help you pick something out."

"Thanks," Alex says gratefully.

"Flowers are a good idea, Karev," Derek compliments as he begins searching the internet for tasteful, yet appropriately priced flowers. "I'm still trying to figure out what to get Vivian."

Alex nods sympathetically. _What do you get someone who's dying?_ That's initially why he went to Addison ... not for advice on flowers.

But he doesn't know how to repeat the things Addison said to him when he asked her for advice. She'll probably share them with Derek later. (Well-functioning married couples supposedly talk. And he supposes that the new and improved version of Addison and Derek qualifies as a well-functioning married couple.) But he'd rather her be the one to say those things to Derek.

He appreciates what she said, sure. But there's no way for him to repeat them without sounding arrogant. And apparently that's something he cares about now.

Still, he can't help remembering what Addison said to him (even though it was literally minutes ago).

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

" _Dr. Shepherd, do you have a minute?"_

 _"Sure," Addison nods._

 _She waves him into her new office. She may have been given the office mere days ago, but she has certainly wasted no time whatsoever decorating it and making it her own._

 _"It's about Vivian's birthday tomorrow," Alex continues, taking a seat across from Addison at her office desk. "I ... What do you get someone who ... who, um ..."_

 _"Who has a terminal illness?" Addison fills in gently._

 _"Yeah, that." He sighs. "What am I supposed to get her?"_

 _Addison gives her intern a small smile. "I know you're going to think this is cliché, but it's the truth. You've already given Vivian a lot."_

 _"What? How?" He looks at his boss pointedly. "Did you make some type of donation in my name?"_

 _"No." Addison rolls her eyes at Alex before growing serious. "You recognize and appreciate her expertise. You value her teaching. You've shown her that the future of her field is in good, capable hands. Honestly, Karev, that's the best gift anyone could give her."_

 _Alex swallows roughly. He'd gone into his internship convinced he was going to specialize in plastics. Never in a million years would he have imagined himself going into gyne._

 _But Addison had just referred to him as the future of the field. And admittedly, he didn't hate the way it sounded._

 _"You really think that?" Alex asks uncertainly. "You see me as having a future in gyne?"_

 _Addison nods. "A promising one."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Don't sound so surprised, Karev. You're a talented surgeon and your bedside manner is actually very well suited for my specialty. You have what it takes to be with people on the best and worst days of their lives."_

 _"I ..." he tinges red, not used to being complimented by people in charge. "Thank you."_

 _Addison shrugs. "I'm just telling you the way everyone around here sees it. Well, not everyone," she amends. "But that's the way I see it. And I know for a fact that it's the way Vivian sees it too."_

 _"I ..." Alex trails off, though he can't help smiling. "I still ... I um... I really want …"_

 _"You still want to buy Vivian something," Addison fills in knowingly._

 _"Yeah. I do."_

 _Addison nods in understanding. "Flowers are always a good choice."  
_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~  
_

"How about these?" Derek asks, gesturing to an image on his computer monitor.

Alex studies the white and blue floral arrangement on Derek's screen and nods approvingly. "Those work."

"I thought the blue flowers were appropriate," Derek continues. "They're the same color as your scrubs.

"Very sentimental," Alex chuckles. "I think I underestimated just how much experience you have buying flowers."

"Believe me when I tell you that I've bought a lot of flowers over the years, Karev. This doesn't even scratch the surface of my expertise."

"Well, I appreciate it."

Derek grins cockily. "Most people I get flowers for usually do too."

xxxxx

Vivian appreciates the flowers. And the party. Her 70th birthday certainly doesn't go uncelebrated.

And as much as Addison tries to enjoy this milestone with her mentor, she can't help reflecting on how this whole celebration is bittersweet.

But she tries to push those thoughts aside as she brings out Vivian's birthday cake and lights the candles, while Derek, Richard, and Alex look on.

They start singing and a small smile graces Vivian's lips. Her eyes aren't joyful, but they're not sad either. They're reminiscent. And Addison has to wonder if she and Vivian are thinking about the same thing.

 _~ Suitcase of memories ~  
_

 _She hadn't planned to work on her thirtieth birthday. She and Derek had both actually planned to take the day off. But as they advanced in their careers and work became more and more demanding, neither of them were able to take the day off._

 _It's ungodly early, and Addison had worked late last night. Still, she and Derek make their way into the hospital—hand in hand._

 _"I wish we were still in bed," he whispers into her ear, his warm breath tickling her neck._

 _"I do too."_

 _"I'll make it up to you tonight, I promise."_

 _Addison can't help smiling at that._

 _They make their way through the hospital doors, and Addison is surprised when Vivian greets them._

 _"Have you been here all night?" Addison asks in bewilderment._

 _"No." Vivian shakes her head. "I just got here. But since you're both here, there's something I want to show you in the attendings' lounge."_

 _Addison and Derek look at each other in confusion, but they know better than to put up a fight. And as they walk into the attendings' lounge, Addison can't help the wide smile that forms on her face._

 _The lounge is filled with balloons and streamers, and a birthday cake sits on the table._

 _"Vivian, you didn't have to do this," Addison insists._

 _"Birthdays are a big deal," Vivian smiles as she starts lighting the candles on Addison's birthday cake._

 _"Thank you," Addison beams, touched that Vivian thought to do something like this for her._

 _She and Derek make their way over to where Vivian's lighting the candles, and Addison laughs out loud when she reads the message on the cake:_

Happy 29th + 12 months Birthday, Addison!

 _"I wasn't sure how you felt about turning thirty," Vivian admits._

 _Addison chuckles. "This is perfect."_

 _"Good," Vivian smiles. "I'm glad." She gestures towards the cake. "Now make a wish."  
_

 _~ Time after ... Sometimes, you picture me ~  
_

"Happy Birthday, dear Vivian. Happy Birthday to you."

Addison blinks. The sound of everyone singing rips her from her thoughts.

None of this feels real. Her own thirtieth birthday felt like yesterday. How did nearly ten years pass by?

"Happy seventieth!" Derek says cheerfully.

"Yeah," Richard grins. "Happy seventieth, Vivian."

"No," Addison cuts in abruptly, joining the conversation. "Not seventieth. Happy ..." she thinks for a moment. "Happy 29th plus 492 months."

Vivian chuckles, her eyes soft. "You remember."

"Of course I do."

Vivian grins. "It sounds much better this way."

Addison laughs. But it's bittersweet.

Sweet because Vivian _is_ able to celebrate her seventieth birthday with friends, new and old. And, on top of that, Vivian is fully aware of everything that's going on.

But it's also bitter because, barring some great miracle, this will also be Vivian's last birthday.

"Don't look at me like that," Vivian scolds her mentee, her voice light.

"I wasn't," Addison insists. She gestures towards the cake and gives Vivian a warm smile. "Come on, make a wish."

xxxxx

What someone with a terminal illness wishes for, neither Addison nor Derek know. But as they're leaving Vivian's party that evening, Derek gets a glimpse. At least, he gets a glimpse of what Vivian wished for.

She waits until Addison leaves the room and is out of earshot before turning to Derek and motioning for him to come closer.

"Do you want to know what I wished for?" she half whispers.

"I …" Derek trails off in confusion, unsure how to respond.

"I wished for Addison to be happy," Vivian confides when Derek doesn't answer. "In her personal life ... professionally. I want her to be happy."

Derek swallows thickly, unsure why Vivian is telling him this. "Vivian, we don't have to talk about this now."

"Yes, we do," Vivian insists, her expression turning solemn. "I won't get to read about the groundbreaking surgeries she performs," Vivian continues, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "Or see pictures of her children ... if she chooses to have them. And ..." she swallows roughly. "I hate that."

Derek feels moisture building in his own eyes, and he bites his lip to keep his emotions at bay. "Vivian, why are you telling me this?" he finally chokes out, his voice dry hoarse with emotion.

Vivian shrugs. "I just am."

Derek looks at her suspiciously. "Since when have you ever said or done anything just because?"

"Derek, I don't have much time," Vivian says seriously. "I need to start getting my things in order. And ... I know you're not responsible for Addison's happiness ... that's entirely up to Addison. But, still, I want you to know how I feel."

Derek nods mutely.

"Thank you," Vivian says, giving Derek a small smile. "Thank you for listening."

Derek runs a hand through his hair, unsure how to respond, so he pivots.

"She'd be angry at you for using your birthday wish on her," he tells Vivian, his tone light. "You know that, right?"

"I do know that," Vivian nods. "That's why I'm not telling her. That's why I'm telling you."

"You know they say a wish doesn't come true if you say it out loud," Derek points out.

"Who says that?"

Derek shrugs. "I don't know. People."

"Well," Vivian smiles, "I've spent my entire life proving people wrong." She looks at him fondly. "I have a good feeling we'll do it here too."

Derek licks his lips. _We'll_. _We will. As in him and Vivian._

He has to admit, her use of _we'll_ is appropriate. Because he's invested now. And because when he thinks about the future, Addison is undeniably in it. And he wants everything that Vivian just described—the medical successes, the family. And he knows Addison wants that too.

He gives Vivian a warm smile. "I'm superstitious," Derek admits. "To a fault."

Vivian raises an eyebrow. "You don't think I know that about you, Derek?"

"No, I know you do," Derek says quickly.

"Good," Vivian nods. "Still, I say to hell with superstitions. My money's still on you and Addison. I just have a good feeling."

"Yeah," Derek agrees, a small smile forming on his face.

When Addison first showed up in Seattle, he wouldn't have agreed. When Vivian first arrived in Seattle, he also wouldn't have agreed. But now … now it seems possible. Now any scenario that doesn't end with him and Addison ending up together seems wrong.

"Yeah," he repeats, giving Vivian a warm smile. "I may be superstitious, but I have a good feeling too."


	21. Chapter 21

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday season and hope your year is off to a good start. Thank you so much for your feedback and support both on this story and my Thanksgiving/Christmas one as well. I really appreciate it!

Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

It's a fairly common occurrence with terminally ill patients. They make it to a monumental event, like a birthday or a loved one's wedding, and shortly thereafter, they take a sharp turn for the worst.

Addison and Derek have witnessed this time after time. Still, when it happened to Vivian, it felt like the first time.

It happened shortly after her birthday. She started slurring her words more, forgetting things more. Sure, there were still some good days, but those days were starting to become fewer and farther between.

And it's during an increasingly rare stretch of good days that Addison finds herself in Richard's office asking for what she knows is a long shot.

"Absolutely not." Richard shakes his head for emphasis. "Not under my watch."

"Please, Richard." Addison begs. "He's a talented surgeon."

"Be that as it may, he's an intern, Addison. He's not ready."

"I was an intern when I performed my first solo surgery," Addison points out, folding her arms across her chest.

"You were different. You were laser focused from the second you started the program. Karev isn't ready."

"You don't know that," Addison disagrees.

"I'm Chief of Surgery. It's my job to know that."

"No, it's _my_ job to know that." Addison jams a hand on her hip. "No disrespect, Richard, but I'm his teacher. It's my job to know if he's ready or not. And I'm telling you Karev is ready. He can handle it."

"Addison."

"I'm telling you, Richard, performing a solo surgery as an intern did so much for my confidence going forward, and I think Karev could benefit from that as well."

Richard looks at Addison uncertainly. "And you're sure he's ready?"

"I wouldn't have come to you if I didn't think he was."

"Because if I say yes, it's the hospital's reputation on the line here."

"I know that," Addison insists. "It's your reputation, it's my reputation, it's the hospital's reputation. It's Karev's reputation too." She looks at Richard squarely. "I hope by now, you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't needlessly put all our reputations at risk."

Richard nods in concession. "And you'd be in there with him the whole time? To step in if something goes wrong?"

"Where else would I be?"

Richard shakes his head disapprovingly.

"Of course I'll be there," Addison reassures. She looks at Richard pleadingly. "Chief, I hate to beg ... but I will. I'm not above it. I—"

"That won't be necessary," Richard cuts in.

"You mean ...?" Addison trails off, eyeing Richard uncertainly.

"Yes, Karev can perform a solo surgery. Just ... don't make me regret this, okay."

Addison smiles at her boss widely. "You won't. I promise."

Richard shakes his head, half in amusement, half in admiration. "I know people tell you all the time that you're a remarkable surgeon. And they're not wrong. But sometimes I think people overlook what a good teacher you are."

"Yeah, well ..." Addison shrugs, giving Richard a warm smile, "I learned from the best."

xxxxx

It no longer surprises her to find Alex in Vivian's room, running through surgeries, playing cards, or just talking. And it's the sound of Alex and Vivian's voices she hears as she makes her way back to Vivian's room.

"Here are the scans," she hears Alex say. "Preemie with a bowel obstruction. It definitely doesn't look as tough as the last bowel obstruction surgery Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd performed."

Addison hears Vivian respond. Her words are slower, more disoriented than usual, but still brilliant.

"Every surgery presents its own unique challenges. The important thing is not to underestimate them."

"She's right," Addison agrees as she walks into Vivian's room. "But you're right too, Karev. This surgery is more straightforward than the last bowel obstruction surgery you assisted on. The baby is stronger and the obstruction is less severe." She gives him a small smile. "That's why I want you to be the one to operate."

Alex blinks in disbelief. "What?"

"I'm offering you your first solo surgery," Addison explains.

"Wait … Really? This isn't some kind of joke or something?"

Addison winks at Vivian before focusing her attention on Alex. "Don't sound so surprised, Karev. You're a talented surgeon and you've assisted on several bowel obstruction surgeries. Having you fly solo is the logical next step. And you're ready."

Alex swallows thickly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Addison smiles before growing serious. "Unless you don't feel ready or you don't want in on this, then—"

"No, no, I want in," Alex interrupts. "And I feel ready. I just ... I always figured Yang would be the first to perform a solo surgery."

Addison shakes her head. "Trust me, Karev, if there's one thing I can tell you about this profession with any certainty, it's that it's full of surprises."

"True," Vivian agrees. "That's what keeps it interesting."

xxxxx

The rest of the day comes and goes. Addison spends most of it helping Karev prepare for his first solo surgery and chatting with Vivian in between her naps (which Addison can't help notice are becoming more and more frequent).

And suddenly the day is drawing to a close and she's on her way to meet Derek so they can go home. Well, to his trailer.

She's walking toward the lobby when she hears unmistakable voices—gossiping voices.

"I can't believe Karev is going to be the first one of us to perform a solo surgery," Cristina grumbles. "I always thought it would be me."

"Technically, I was the first," George reminds her.

"Your appendectomy?" Cristina raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Yeah, I wouldn't brag about that, Bambi. And I'd hardly call that a solo surgery."

"Cristina," Izzie chastises. "You should be happy for Alex. Alex is our friend, and we should want good things for him."

Cristina looks at Izzie pointedly. "Are you happy for him?"

"Well, I ... at least I'm trying."

Cristina smirks at Izzie triumphantly, but quickly grows serious. "I'm telling you, Mer, you chose the wrong Shepherd to get involved with. He may be McDreamy, but she teaches ... and apparently gives out solo surgeries to interns. Good solo surgeries too."

Addison is so caught up in the interns' gossip, she gasps in surprise when she feels her husband's arms wrap around her waist.

"They're ridiculous," Derek mutters, cocking his head in the interns' direction.

Addison nods in agreement and Derek studies his wife closely. Had Karev pissed off anyone else besides her, there would have been a completely different outcome. Because where he and Burke and pretty much everyone else in the hospital saw arrogance and disobedience, Addison saw potential. She saw an underdog. And she gave him the chance that no one else in the hospital had—the chance he deserved just as much as Meredith and Cristina, but hadn't gotten until she came along.

He'd told his wife that taking Karev on was a gamble. But to her it was a gamble worth taking. And to her credit, it paid off. Things like that are one of the million reasons he respects her ... one of the million reasons he loves her.

"You ready to get out of here?"

Derek blinks at the sound of his wife's voice ripping him from his thoughts.

"Yeah," he smiles, wrapping his arm around her waist more securely, as they walk out of the hospital. "Let's get out of here."

xxxxx

Most surgeons are superstitious. Derek knows he is. And he knows Addison is. He doesn't know about Karev yet. It's still too soon to tell. But Derek knows firsthand the even the smallest things have the ability to throw a surgeon off.

That's why he and Addison aren't telling Karev about Vivian. She's okay. She's just not having one of her better days.

She's having a downright bad day.

She's tired and slurring her words and having trouble focusing. And Karev doesn't need to see her that way right before his big surgery.

The surgery is about to start, and Derek is prepared to watch it, but something doesn't feel right to him. And after a brief moment in thought, he knows what's bothering him.

He walks into Vivian's hospital room and smiles when he sees she's awake.

"I didn't get you a birthday present," he tells her, a grin still on his face.

She looks at him curiously, a mixture of exhaustion and confusion lacing her features.

"I ... Der ... uh ..." Vivian stammers incomprehensively, the fear in her eyes impossible to miss. She may be a doctor and she may understand what's happening to her, but it doesn't make it any less frightening.

"It's okay," Derek reassures her, patting her arm gently. "You're okay. You don't have to say anything."

Vivian gives Derek an appreciative look. She tries again to speak, but words are a struggle for her today.

"I want to take you somewhere," he continues, helping her into the wheelchair at the side of her bed.

She looks at him uncertainly, still struggling to get words out and sputtering incoherently.

"It'll be good to get you out of this room too," he reassures, pushing Vivian's wheelchair into the hall.

They arrive at their destination a few minutes later and a broad smile spreads across Vivian's face as she takes everything in.

They're in the observation gallery for Alex's first solo surgery.

Vivian turns to look at Derek, her eyes watery, her smile appreciative.

There's no need for words. He knows there's no place Vivian would rather be. And truth be told, there's no place he'd rather be either.

He pushes her wheelchair closer to the window so she can see better, and he stands beside her, peering through the glass at the scene unfolding in the OR.

They're watching in content silence until an accusing voice interrupts their tranquility.

"What are you doing up here?"

Derek turns in surprise and sees Richard looking at him questioningly.

"We're watching the surgery," Derek explains as innocently as he can.

Technically, there's nothing wrong with him being up in the gallery. But him bringing his very sick, terminally ill patient up there—that's likely a gray area.

But Richard's not going to make Vivian leave the gallery. Derek's certain of it.

"What are you doing up here, Chief?" Derek asks Richard, though he technically doesn't need to.

"I also came to watch the surgery," Richard says matter-of-factly. "Addison seems to think Karev is ready, but ..."

"You have your doubts," Derek fills in.

"Yeah."

"He's ready," Derek reassures his boss, and Vivian bobs her head in collaboration. "So are you going to watch, Chief?"

"I was planning to."

Derek smiles. "There's plenty of room up here," he says, motioning next to him.

"I think I'll hang back," Richard says, taking a seat behind Derek and Vivian.

"Suit yourself," Derek shrugs, turning his attention back to the OR and watching closely.

And as he does, he can't help remembering.

 _~ Watching through windows ~  
_

" _What are you doing up here?"_

 _Derek turns to see Richard standing there, looking at him in confusion._

 _"It's Addison's first solo surgery," Derek explains. He gestures to the OR below, where Addison and Vivian are preparing. "Preemie with a bowel obstruction."_

 _Richard nods in approval. "Not an easy first surgery."_

 _"No," Derek agrees._

 _"Vivian did that by design."_

 _"What."_

 _"Something like a standard C-section would be easier. And it would be a more expected first solo surgery. But a bowel obstruction surgery shows that Vivian has faith in Addison. And it will be a huge boost of confidence for Addison moving forward. It's an unconventional move on Vivian's part," Richard continues. "But I like it."_

 _Derek nods in agreement and watches Addison start working._

 _"How'd you sneak up here anyway?" Richard asks. "I thought you had patients."_

 _"I do," Derek says, not taking his eyes off the OR. "Wright took them for me. I told her I'd work her night shift."_

 _A wide smile spreads across Richard's face. "Wow. That's commitment."_

 _"She'd do it for me," Derek shrugs. "Besides, you only perform your first solo surgery once. I couldn't miss this."_

 _Richard nods in agreement and the two men watch the surgery in silence._

 _It's a textbook perfect surgery. Addison is beaming with accomplishment as she sews the final stitch. And Vivian is beaming with pride._

 _"She's good," Richard compliments. And Derek, who's also beaming, nods his head._

 _Addison is good. And even though he's a little jealous that she's already performing solo surgeries, he's proud of her. And seeing her down there, as confident and composed as ever, has only made him love her more._

 _And seeing her success—and sharing in it—only makes him more excited about the things ahead of them._

 _~ You're wondering if I'm okay ~_

"She was right," Richard mumbles. "Karev was ready."

Derek nods in agreement as he watches Karev sew the final stitch.

He's beaming with accomplishment. Addison is beaming with pride—the same way Vivian had beamed with pride all those years ago. He glances down at Vivian, and her expression matches Addison's. As sick as she is, she's also glowing with pride.

Karev pulled it off. He'll bask in the glory and receive the credit that he very much deserves. But what will be lost on everyone except the three people in the gallery is Addison's role. No one else will know—or think to consider—the way Karev looked at her the entire surgery ... asking her for silent reassurance, which she unobtrusively gave.

"She's a spectacular teacher," Richard murmurs, as if reading Derek's mind. And he looks over to see Vivian nodding her head in agreement.

She hasn't spoken a word the entire surgery, but she doesn't need to say a word. Derek gets it.

"Let's go see them," he suggests,

Addison and Alex are exiting the scrub room, when Derek, Vivian, and Richard catch up with them.

"Excellent work in there today, Karev," Richard says, shaking the intern's hand firmly. He turns to Addison. "You were right."

Addison shrugs modestly and Derek can't help smiling.

"Really nice job, Karev," he compliments. "Not an easy first surgery and you handled it like a professional." He gives Addison a loving smile. He'll have time to compliment her later.

Karev is smiling wider than Derek has ever seen him smile before. But his smile fades when he sees Vivian. He may not be a world-class surgeon yet, but he's perceptive enough to recognize that she's not doing well.

Vivian swallows roughly and Derek can see she's fighting with every ounce of her body to make clear, composed words come out of her mouth.

"Bruh—brilliant ... surgery," she chokes, giving Alex a proud smile. "And ..." her voice cracks as she turns to Addison and offers her a watery smile, "brilliant ... tuh ... tee … teacher."

Addison's eyes are brimming with tears as she looks at her mentor adoringly. "I'd much prefer coffee to compliments right now," she chokes out, her voice raw and thick with emotion.

And without thinking, Derek wraps an arm around her. And without thinking, she leans into his embrace. And for a moment, he gently sways with her in his arms, the two of them shutting out the rest of the world.

It doesn't matter that they're at work and flirting with unprofessionalism. What matters is that they're there for each other. It's what they do when one or both of them is upset.

She looks up at Derek lovingly. He took a risk bringing Vivian—as sick as she is—into the gallery. But she's glad he did.

Vivian got to see Karev's first surgery. And Vivian got to see her as a teacher.

But Addison knows, in the end, she's the one who truly benefited. She'll remember this moment for the rest of her life. She's pretty sure Karev will too.

And by the way her husband is looking at her—proudly, adoringly ... the way he used to look at her during the big moments—she knows that as time passes and years go by, it won't be her memory alone. It'll be theirs.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate it. Here's the next chapter. You may recognize some (brilliant) lines from Private Practice. I hope you like this chapter. And thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

After Karev's first solo surgery, Vivian's decline is sharp. Most days she's incoherent, unsure of where she is or who she is.

But then there are the rare and unexpected good days. Surges. On these days, Vivian seems fine, and nobody would guess she's as sick as she is.

It's on one of these good days—one of those surges—that Vivian calls Addison into her hospital room. She has a mission for Addison ... a critical task that Addison knew was coming. But Vivian is dallying. And so they're sitting there together, just the two of them.

"Any update on that lawsuit that shouldn't be a lawsuit?" Vivian asks curiously.

"No." Addison shakes her head. "We're still waiting on medical records. There's so much red tape with HIPAA and all."

Vivian nods in understanding. "How about you and Derek? You two seem like you're doing well."

"We're doing well," Addison smiles.

"Good."

"Vivian." Addison looks at her mentor pointedly, but her voice quickly softens. "You can't put this off forever."

"Yeah." Vivian nods in concession, her eyes cast downward. "I know." She looks at Addison uncertainly. "Did you bring it?"

"I did." She holds up the cream and gray stationery she'd bought Vivian for her birthday.

The stationery was just part one of the present. This—what they're about to do—is part two.

"Okay," Vivian nods, as Addison opens the stationery and uncaps a pen. "Use your best penmanship. Make it legible."

"All right."

Vivian looks at her with mock sternness. "No messy doctor scribble," she warns.

"No." Addison shakes her head seriously.

"Okay," Vivian says quietly. "I'm ready."

Addison nods and gives her mentor an encouraging smile.

"To my beloved daughter," Vivian begins, her voice somehow strong and vulnerable all at once. "In my mind, I call you Maxine. But the truth is, even though I gave birth to you, I do not know the name you answered to all of your life. I've spent hours listening for the sound of your voice. But I would not be able to pick you out of a crowd. I do not wish to burden you with the details of my pregnancy or the sadness I felt in losing my right to parent you. I hope and pray you never felt abandoned by me. But I want you to know, there was not one moment of one day or night that I did not think of you and feel love for you. Though I did not raise you, in my heart, I was always there with you. You didn't have one mother. You had two. All of my love, your other mother Vivian Carlsmith."

Addison pens the letter as quickly and neatly as she can. She re-caps the pen and gives Vivian a warm smile.

That's part two.

What Addison doesn't realize is that there's a third part.

"I have no idea where she is," Vivian confesses. "And I won't live long enough to find her." She looks at Addison hopefully. "Will you do it for me?"

"Yes."

Of course, she will. After everything Vivian has done for her, how could she not?

"And give her the letter?"

"I will," Addison nods. "I promise."

"Thank you."

"Of course," Addison says softly. "Anything for you."

xxxxx

She's leaving Vivian's room when she literally bumps into her husband.

"I was just going in to check on Vivian," Derek explains, gesturing towards her room.

"She's asleep."

"Oh." He takes in the somber expression on his wife's face. "Is everything okay."

Addison nods. "She had a heavy morning."

"I was actually asking about you."

"Oh." Truth be told, she's still adjusting to this new normal, where Derek's concerned about her ... where he cares. "I guess I had a heavy morning too."

"Coffee?" He moves behind her to rub her very tense shoulders. "I'll buy."

She shrugs. "It's hard to say no to that."

They're sitting in her office drinking coffee when it happens.

Her email chimes, and the information that's she has desperately been waiting on is at her fingertips.

"Open it," Derek urges, moving behind her so he can read it too.

They're almost certainly violating HIPAA, but right now that's a minor concern.

"You were right." A wide smile spreads across Addison's face as she scans the file—Sean's medical records. "You were right, Derek. You were right."

She quickly gets up out of her chair and hugs him tightly. "I can't believe you remembered."

Truth be told, neither can he. But if the past few months have taught him anything, it's that his and Addison's history isn't as easy to forget as he'd once believed.

"Really, Derek," she pulls back and meets his eyes, "how did you remember that?"

"I don't know," he admits.

He really doesn't. But having his suspicion confirmed has only made the memory clearer for him.

In fact, he remembers it like it was yesterday.

 _~Flashback, warm nights~_

 _"Dr. Shepherd?"_

 _Derek turns in confusion. He's in the neonatal wing looking for Addison, so it's very surprising to hear a patient asking for him._

 _He gives the patient an apologetic smile. "I think you're looking for my wife."_

 _"No." The patient shakes her head. "I'm looking for you. I'm Sean Petrucci," she says, extending a hand. "Your wife delivered my daughter, Gwen."_

 _Derek smiles at Sean warmly. "Your first?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Congratulations."_

 _"It's all because of your wife."_

 _Derek smiles broadly at the compliment. Hearing patients compliment Addison ranks right up there with receiving the compliment himself._

 _"I'm serious," Sean continues. "My husband and I spent six years trying to have children. Three unsuccessful and very painful rounds of IVF." She pauses for a moment. "We stopped trying. We'd given up. And then ... then Gwen happened. And the doctors ... seven different doctors told us there was no hope. But not your wife," Sean smiles. "Your wife was the only one who didn't think Gwen was a lost cause. Your wife is the only reason I'm a mother." Sean shakes her head. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this," she admits. "I just know I'll never be able to thank her enough. Seriously, Dr. Shepherd, your wife's amazing."_

 _Derek, of course, knows this already. But it never hurts to be reminded._

 _~Almost left behind~_

"There's no way she would have terminated," Derek concludes.

Addison nods in agreement and gives her husband a warm smile. "I think you just won my case for me."

"No." Derek shakes his head. "I gave you the facts. I'm pretty confident you'll handle Sean in your own way."

Addison looks at her husband questioningly, not sure what to make of his words.

"It's a compliment, Addison," Derek reassures his wife when he sees the look on her face.

"Really?" Addison arches an eyebrow. "It doesn't sound like one."

"It is," Derek insists. "I'm just saying … what I'm trying to say … is when it comes to situations like these ... there are usually three ways to handle them." He extends his index finger. "Option one: the easy way. Option two ..." he uncurls another finger, "the hard way."

"What's the third option?"

"Your way," Derek says simply. He wraps an arm around her and guides her into his lap as they sink into her office chair. "Usually it falls somewhere in between the easy and the hard way." He shakes his head begrudgingly. "But it's usually the best option."

Addison gives him a small smile. "The third option usually is."

xxxxx

She tracks down Sean waiting for Gwen outside of physical therapy.

"What are you doing here?" Sean asks, her voice accusatory.

"I came across something interesting today," Addison shrugs coolly. "Your medical records."

"Okay, why are you telling me this?" Sean snipes. "You realize how a trial works, right? Our lawyers are supposed to handle any quote-unquote evidence."

"Sean, you wouldn't have terminated. You spent years trying to get pregnant. And then your miracle happened."

"Yeah? So?"

"Seven different doctors told you there was nothing they could do to save Gwen, but you wouldn't take no for an answer. That's why you came to me."

"You're unbelievable," Sean rolls her eyes. "You know that? Unbelievable."

Addison blinks in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

"You honestly believe my medical records are going to win this case for you. If you would have explained in full just how challenging Gwen's life would be—"

"Every surgery comes with risks, Sean. You asked me to save your daughter's life. And based on the beautiful little girl that I saw you with in the hospital the other day, I'd say I did that. Are you honestly going to tell me ... are you seriously going to go under oath and say you wish she'd never been born?"

"I ..."

"Sean, come on. If you win the money, Gwen's going to find out where it came from. She will. Are you comfortable with that?" Addison asks, meeting Sean's eyes. "Are you okay with her thinking that you wish she'd never been born?"

"Well, I …"

"Sean … Do you really wish Gwen had never been born?"

"Well, I just …" Sean shakes her head sadly. "Of course, I don't wish that. Have you seen her? She's amazing. But …" she squares her shoulders, "I'm her mother and I need to do what I need to do to protect and provide for my daughter."

Addison feels a lump building in her throat and swallows around it.

"Then name your price."

"What?" Sean looks at her in confusion.

"Name your price," Addison repeats. "I want to keep this out of court. So name your price and … I'll settle."

"But ..."

Addison stares at Sean expectantly as she continues to stutter. And she can't help thinking of Vivian. Vivian taught her that in her career and in life there are times to speak up. And those times are important. But, equally important, are the times you deliberately choose to remain quiet. This is one of those times.

"I can't," Sean chokes out weakly.

She says it so softly, Addison isn't sure she heard her correctly.

"I'm sorry?"

"I can't." This time she says it more forcefully. "I can't accept the money." Sean sighs heavily and shakes her head. "I don't wish that Gwen was never born. And if I accept the money, and she finds out where it came from ... which you're right, she eventually will ... then I ..." Sean looks down sadly. "I can't take your money."

Addison nods neutrally. She had been so embroiled in Sean's threats and lawsuit that it never occurred to her to ask Sean to put her money where her mouth is—literally.

It's a tried and true tactic, she's found. Most people can talk the talk, but they waver when it comes to the follow through—the action.

She's found this to be the case with laboring mothers who are insistent upon kicking their husbands out of the delivery room.

 _"Get out! I want you out! Dr. Shepherd, make him get out."_ She's heard that a million times.

 _"If that's what you really want, I can have him leave. Is that what you want?"_ That's what she always says. _  
_  
For all the times she's received that request she's only had to toss a handful of husbands out.

And then, of course, there was Derek.

 _"Divorce papers."_

 _"Your lawyer says they're okay. I haven't signed them yet. The ball's in your court. If you sign, I'll sign. I'll sign and be on the first plane out of here."_

 _"I'll sign them immediately."_

He, of course, didn't.

And in retrospect, she shouldn't have been surprised that Sean was the same way. Threats are easy. Carrying them and dealing with the repercussions is much harder.

For most people, that is.

Addison, herself, tends not to shy away from action. Sometimes this is good—like when she put Karev on her service for being disrespectful. Sometimes it's bad—like when she slept with Mark.

But sometimes it's good.

"How's your job?"

Sean looks at Addison in confusion. "Small talk, really?" She rolls her eyes. "Look, Dr. Shepherd, I'll drop the lawsuit, but that doesn't mean I want to sit here and make small talk with you."

"That wasn't why I was asking. You're a social worker, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And now that you're no longer suing me, are you planning on staying in Seattle or are you planning to go back to New York?"

"My job's in New York. My life is there."

"I know the feeling," Addison nods. "Still ... I moved."

"Um, I'm not following."

"Never mind, it's not important," she says quickly. This is about Sean, not her. She meets Sean's eyes. "Are you planning on staying here or going back to New York?"

"New York." Sean folds her arms across her chest. "Not that it's any of your business."

"Okay," Addison shrugs nonchalantly. "I only ask because my sister-in-law Kathleen runs a successful practice in New York. She's always looking for social workers. From what I know, the pay's good and the hour are flexible." She gives Sean a small smile. "I could put in a good word."

Sean swallows thickly. "Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why would you do this for me? After all I put you through, why are you offering to go out of your way for me."

Addison shrugs. "I fought for your daughter when no one else would. That doesn't stop just because it's been five years."

"I ..." Sean trails off. And Addison can tell that Sean is struggling with her emotions. Struggling between hating her and liking her. "I'll think about it."

"Okay," Addison nods. "Think about it and let me know."

xxxxx

She's walking on air as she enters the hospital. Sean officially dropped the lawsuit, and for the first time in a long time, she's able to breathe a little easier.

That is until she sees Derek.

One look at his face makes her want to turn around and run the other way.

But that's not an option. She's frozen in place, her legs won't move.

And Derek is rushing toward her, taking her in his arms.

"Addison, I—"

"No," she cuts in hoarsely. "Don't say it. Please don't say it. Once you say it, you can't take it back. Once you say it, it's real. And ..." her tear-filled eyes meet his, "I'm not ready for it to be real."

He nods mutely and kisses her forehead. And he holds her tight as she endures what can only be described as the shortest and longest silence of her life.

* * *

A/N 2: I know there's another (absolutely amazing) story with a similar cliffhanger. Hopefully this doesn't feel too repetitive. But here's a fun fact about me–I hate cliffhangers, so I already have the next chapter (and the one after that) ready to go. I hope to have them up soon!


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate it! Here's the next chapter. I was hoping to get it up sooner, but I kept making all these last-minute tweaks and edits. I hope you like this chapter, and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read and review! Hope you have a great weekend!

* * *

"Addison?" Derek presses a soft kiss to his wife's temple.

"I need another minute," she chokes out hoarsely. "Just one more minute."

One more minute where her world isn't imploding. One more minute where the world she's living in still makes sense.

She needs more than one minute if she's being honest with herself. She's not ready. And she's going to do everything she can to buy herself some more time.

Living on borrowed time, so to speak.

"I remember the first time I met Vivian," she mumbles into the crook of Derek's neck.

"Yeah?" Derek cautiously pulls away from her and looks at her curiously.

"Yeah." Addison swallows roughly. "Of course, I do."

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

 _Meet and greets are always awkward. She supposes that's why more and more hospitals are shying away from them. Well, that and money. Meet and greets are an unnecessary expense and are very easy to cut if a hospital is strapped for money._

 _But the hospital that Addison is doing her internship at certainly isn't hurting for money. And meet and greets are a good way for attendings and residents to get to know and interact with the new interns and each other._

 _So here they are._

 _She's taking it all in. Derek's standing next to her. Mark's standing next to him. The rest of her intern class is huddled in a different corner of the room, also taking it all in._

 _The attendings are mostly talking to each other, she notices. Although there are a few over-eager residents who are awkwardly, and unsuccessfully trying to cut into attending conversations._

 _"I hate these."_

 _Addison turns in surprise at the unfamiliar voice._

 _"Forced bonding among a bunch of people ... most of whom are a bit socially awkward to begin with." The woman extends a hand. "I'm Vivian Carlsmith."  
_

" _I'm Addison," she says, extending a shaky hand. Vivian Carlsmith is surgical royalty. She's literally shaking hands with surgical royalty. "Addison Montgomery."_

" _I had a feeling," Vivian smiles. "Your application was impressive."_

 _Addison shakes her head in disbelief; Vivian Carlsmith—whose surgeries she worships, whose papers she's read, and whose work she's followed closely—is complimenting her._

 _"Your entire career is impressive," Addison insists._

 _Vivian chuckles. "I'd much prefer coffee to compliments right now." She looks at Addison questioningly. "Feel like grabbing a cup somewhere that's not here?"_

 _"I—"_

 _"It's fine if you don't want to. I get it; the purpose of this whole thing is to meet different people." She extends a hand to Derek and Mark as if to prove that point. "Vivian Carlsmith," she introduces herself, smiling sincerely when they introduce themselves back._

 _She briefly makes polite conversation with them, asking about their surgical interests, their schooling, and what they think of the program so far. Then she turns back to Addison._

" _So ... do you feel like grabbing a cup of coffee in the hospital cafeteria. The coffee's only okay," she admits, "but you can't beat the convenient location."_

 _"Yeah." Addison nods her head. "Let's get some coffee."_

 _Sure, she knows the whole point of a meet and greet is to interact with and get to know lots of different people. But Addison has a feeling that she has already met the one person she's supposed to meet. And she's always valued quality over quantity anyway._

 _So ditching the hospital meet and greet to grab coffee with Vivian Carlsmith is an easy decision. And a decision, that she'll later realize, was one of the best decisions she's ever made._

 _"Alright," Vivian smiles. "Let's get out of here."_

 _~The drum beats out of time~_

"I know I must have asked you about it that day," Derek cuts in. "But what did you two talk about when you went for coffee?"

A reminiscent glow spreads across Addison's face. "Everything."

Derek smiles at his wife warmly, and nods in understanding when she doesn't elaborate. Married couples share things, but this is a memory that's meant to be purely hers.

Addison swallows thickly and meets her husband's eyes. Reality isn't always easy, but it's reality, and she has no choice but to embrace it.

"When did it happen?"

"About two hours ago."

She nods mutely and makes no attempt to stop or conceal the tears coursing down her cheeks.

"Did she suffer?"

"Addison," Derek whispers, pulling his crying wife into his arms. "Addison," he tries again, when her sobs drown out his first attempt to get her attention. "Ad—there's something you should know."

She pulls back slightly, her eyes watery, streaks of mascara running down her cheeks.

"She's on life support."

"But," Addison sniffles, "she's against that. She's _very_ against that."

"I know." He looks down at his hands. "I didn't exactly make the decision with her in mind."

Addison looks at her husband uncertainly. "You did this for me?"

"Yeah."

"I … I don't get it."

He sighs. "When my dad died, it happened so fast. And I never got the chance to say goodbye to him." He shakes his head sadly. "I would have given anything to have one last conversation with him, but ..." he trails off, his eyes misty. "It's something I've regretted my whole life. And I ... I don't want you to have to experience that. And I … I also didn't want you to come back to an empty hospital bed. So, I ... I disregarded Vivian's wishes." He swallows roughly. "I don't think she'd mind ... if she knew I did it so you could say goodbye ... have one last conversation. I don't think she'd mind."

Addison nods mutely. She can't talk. There are no words. But apparently there are. Her husband has bought her time. One last conversation.

"I need a minute," she admits.

"Yeah," Derek says softly. "I thought you might."

In reality, she takes twenty. Fifteen to compose herself. And five to muster up the courage to walk through the door to Vivian's hospital room one last time.

Over the years, she's seen several patients on life support. But never someone she loved.

And as she takes in Vivian's still form, she realizes she has no idea what to say.

"I brought coffee," she begins weakly. She places a paper cup of warm, caffeinated goodness on the table by Vivian's bed and settles into a bedside chair with her own cup of coffee in hand.

Vivian, of course, will never drink her coffee, but, still, bringing it felt right.

"Coffee's on me this time," Addison continues, her throat dry and thick, "which is only fair since ... you treated the first time. Remember?"

 _"Can I get this?"_ That's what Addison asked that afternoon in the cafeteria.

But Vivian wouldn't hear of it. _"Absolutely not. I'm the one who invited you for coffee. You're doing me the honor of skipping the meet and greet. Coffee's on me."  
_  
"Sean backed down," Addison continues. "No court, no settlement ... she's dropping everything. So, my reputation isn't taking a hit." She reaches for Vivian's hand and gives it a squeeze. "Our reputations aren't taking a hit." She swallows thickly. "I wouldn't be half the surgeon I am if it weren't for you, you know that, right?" She shakes her head. "I wouldn't be half the person I am."

She takes a sip of coffee, the hot liquid burning her throat.

"Thank you," she whispers. "Thank you for coming up to me at that meet and greet. Thank you for being my teacher. And thank you for being my friend ... my family, even."

She feels the tears stinging her eyes and makes no attempt to fight them.

"Thank you for so many inspiring surgeries. And thank you for paving the way so things were a little easier for me."

She pauses for a moment, the machines hooked up to Vivian the only noise in the otherwise silent room.

"Thank you for all the little moments ... the conversations, the words of wisdom, and more cups of coffee than I can count. Thank you," she chokes, "for believing in me ... even when I didn't." She stops to wipe a stray tear. "Thank you for believing in me and Derek ... when I thought my marriage was beyond repair ... when he'd given up completely. Thank you."

She shakes her head sadly and presses a kiss to Vivian's knuckle. "People like you don't exist anymore. They just ... don't. So ... thank you," she whispers. "Thank you for being you."

She sits there a moment, clutching her coffee. She can't drink it. Her throat is quivering too much for her to drink it.

She wants more time. She needs more time. But there is no more time. And for some reason, the gentle ticking of her wristwatch—a sound that most days she never even notices—is drumming in her ears.

It's time. She knows that. But it doesn't make it any easier.

Somehow, some way, she manages to stand up ... to put one foot in front of the other and make her way toward the doorway where Derek is waiting.

"Okay," she whispers, her eyes red and raw, "I'm ready."

"You are?" His eyes are soft ... sympathetic.

"No," she admits, shaking her head. "I'm not. But ..."

He nods sadly. He gets it. She's not ready. But she also doesn't have a choice.

So he wraps a comforting arm around her waist as they prepare to take the longest walk of their lives—back to Vivian's bedside.

For Addison, it all happens too quickly. One minute they're lingering in the doorway, the next they're standing next to Vivian.

Derek turns to his wife. "Are you ready?"

She's not, but she nods her head anyway.

Derek swallows roughly and presses a kiss to Vivian's temple. "Goodbye, Vivian. Thank you ... for more than you'll ever know."

He turns to his wife, his eyes misty. And Addison moves in closer. He said his goodbyes, now it's her turn.

"Brilliant surgeon," she whispers, kissing Vivian's forehead. "Brilliant teacher. And ..." she swallows roughly, "brilliant person."

And then Derek's unplugging the monitors because the beeping will only make things harder. And he's unhooking Vivian from the machines. And he holds his wife close as they watch Vivian take her final breath.

He feels Addison crying in his arms. And if he weren't so focused on her he'd realize that he's crying too.

It's a sadness that defies words and meaning. And what Addison's feeling must be worse.

So they stay there in silence. Her in his arms. Him holding her close and gently swaying their entwined bodies back and forth.

She holds on tightly to her husband, desperately clinging to him. She has to. Because if she lets go, she knows she'll fall.

And suddenly, it's all too much, and her knees are buckling underneath her.

"I've got you," he whispers, steadying her ... breaking her fall.

 _If you fall, I will catch you—I'll be waiting_

"Thanks," she whimpers, her voice muffled. And he readjusts her in his arms.

Neither one of them bothers to suggest that they sit down. It's too much work. Right now, clinging to each other is the only thing they're capable of doing with any certainty.

In an instant, their world has changed. And it will never be the same.

And she doesn't know how to live in this new world where Vivian isn't alive.

"You're shivering," Derek observes, ripping her from her thoughts. He's holding her so closely, she can feel his warm breath against her cheek.

He's right. She's freezing.

"Ad," he clutches her tightly as her teeth start chattering. "I can ..." He starts to pull away. "Let me …"

"No, don't leave," she says, easily following his train of thought, even though he doesn't vocalize it.

"I can bring you a blanket," he rationalizes.

"No, I'm okay," she insists. "I'm fine. Just ... stay in here with me."

He's not going to argue with her. Not today.

So he holds her closer, and she holds him close too. And they stand there, huddled together, wrapped in a debilitating sadness and each other's embrace.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter! I really appreciate it. I know this story had been building towards Vivian's death; with that said, it still wasn't easy for me to pull the trigger. This isn't the last we'll see of Vivian (thank goodness for flashbacks), which has helped cushion the blow for me a bit because I adore Vivian's character.

Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

* * *

He doesn't know how long they've been standing there—holding each other closely as they silently grieve together. It could be minutes. It could be hours. For all he knows it could be days. Time doesn't exist in this little bubble they've created for themselves.

That's why he's so shocked when she finally speaks.

"Karev?"

He looks at her in confusion, still holding her close. "What about him?"

"Does he know?"

"Yeah," Derek nods. "He knows."

"How is ... where is ...?"

"He's taking it hard," Derek says, kissing the top of her head when he feels her start to tense up. "Understandably so."

"Where is he?"

Derek shrugs. "I don't know. I gave him the rest of the day off."

"I should find him."

"You should grieve," Derek disagrees. "You should take some time."

"No," Addison shakes her head. "I should find him. It's what Vivian would want. It's what Vivian would do."

He nods mutely. He can't argue with her there.

"I'd check Joe's then," Derek offers. "That's where most people around this place go when they're upset."

"Yeah," Addison agrees as she halfheartedly attempts to fix her appearance. She looks at her husband curiously. "Are you coming?"

"No," he shakes his head. He doesn't have to say why either. They both understand that this is a mentor-student moment.

"Okay, I'm just gonna go, then. You stay, I'll go."

 _You stay, I'll go._ He feels his heart twist at those words.

"Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be right here. If you need me, I'm just a phone call or a text or a walk across the street away. So, if you need me ... I'm here."

"I know," she says quietly. She really does. But as much as she appreciates it, she knows this is something she has to do on her own.

So casting one last look at Derek, she leaves the room. And as she does, Derek feels his heart swell.

It feels inappropriate considering the profound loss they just endured. But he can't help it. Addison is such a good teacher. And—he can't help thinking for what's certainly not the first time—that she'll be such a good mother.

Maybe these thoughts are inappropriate given the circumstances of the day. But in a way they're not. Vivian had certainly been thinking about this.

And he can't help thinking about his last conversation with Vivian, earlier in the day.

 _~ Sometimes you picture me ~  
_

" _So, what are your plans?"_

 _Derek looks at Vivian curiously. She just woke up from her nap. She's alert and coherent. Another surge._

 _It makes him nervous._

 _"My plans?" he echoes. "You mean for the rest of the day?"_

 _"No," she shakes her head. "I mean going forward. With Addison."_

 _Derek chuckles. "No one can predict the future." He pauses and grows serious. "But when I think about my future, Addison's definitely in it. She's a big part of it."_

 _Vivian nods, her eyes sparkling. And Derek finds himself telling her more._

 _"I want kids," he admits, a warmth spreading across his chest. "I always have. I just ... I don't know. It never seemed like a priority until now."_

 _Vivian smiles at him warmly. "You and Addison will be wonderful parents."_

 _And Derek only has to close his eyes to imagine a miniature combination of him and Addison running around._

 _"But, Derek ...?"_

 _He blinks as Vivian's voice rips him from his thoughts._

 _"Whatever you do, don't name your future daughter Vivian."_

 _"What?" Derek looks at Vivian, stunned. "Wait. How did you ...?" He shakes his head in confusion. "Why not?"_

 _"Because," Vivian smiles, "she should be her own person. And she should be encouraged to lead the life she wants ... to write her own story, so to speak."_

 _"But I ... we ..." He gives her a wry grin. "We could have sons, you know."_

 _"Yes," Vivian chuckles, "I'm aware of how these things work."_

 _Derek smiles at her fondly. "Then why ...?"_

 _"I know you and Addison are progressive, but I'm assuming you wouldn't name a little boy Vivian."_

 _"Well, no."_

 _"That's why I wasn't concerned about that." She looks at him squarely. "Give your children ... girls or boys ... their own unique identities. Let them be blank slates. Let them be their own people."_

 _Derek nods mutely as he takes in Vivian's words. If he didn't know any better, he'd think she were a mind reader. Because if he and Addison do have a daughter at some point in the future, Vivian is exactly the name he'd choose for her. And even though he and Addison haven't formally had a conversation about this, he knows it's the name she'd choose as well._

 _"What?" Vivian asks, taking in the look on Derek's face. "What's wrong?"_

 _"Nothing. I ..." He chuckles softly. I'm glad you're invested."_

 _"I could say the same about you," Vivian says seriously._

 _Once upon a time, Derek would have taken offense to a comment like that. But not now. Because he knows he wasn't invested. And more importantly, he knows that's changed._

 _"Yeah," he gives Vivian a warm smile, "I'm glad I'm invested too."  
_

 _~ I'm walking too far ahead ~_

His conversation with Vivian may not have been about the immediate future—not today or tomorrow or even the day after that. But he likes to think it's in his near future. He likes to think that it's not too far ahead.

And Addison's insistence on seeing Karev and making sure he's okay only intensifies Derek's feelings on the topic.

And this time, unlike in the past, he resolves not to keep this quiet.

xxxxx

Derek was right. Alex is at Joe's. He's sitting at the bar, untouched drink in hand, staring straight ahead.

"Hey," she says quietly as she sits down next to him.

"Hey."

"How are you holding up?"

He shakes his head sadly. "I don't know. Right now, I just feel numb."

"I know what you mean," Addison says quietly.

"It just ... it sucks."

Addison nods in agreement. She couldn't have put it better herself.

Alex takes a sip of his drink and Addison raises an eyebrow.

"I didn't know you were a scotch drinker."

"I'm not really," Alex shrugs. "But ..." he blushes, "Vivian was."

"She was," Addison agrees. She motions to Joe, orders herself a scotch, and turns back to Alex.

"It took me by surprise," he confesses. "I know it's stupid. She was sick and she was getting worse. But I," he swallows roughly, "I guess a small part of me was expecting a miracle. Which is dumb because I know better."

"It's not dumb," Addison disagrees. She sighs heavily. "A small part of me was expecting a miracle too."

Alex looks at his boss disbelievingly, and Addison nods guiltily.

"It's not stupid," she repeats. "It's ... human."

"I guess." He takes a sip of his scotch and sighs. "It's just ... she didn't deserve this. With all the good things she's done, she deserved to die peacefully ... at 112 ... of natural causes. Not cooped up in a hospital."

Addison nods slowly. "She could have left if she wanted to."

"What?" Alex looks at Addison in confusion.

"If she wanted to, she could have moved to hospice care. She probably could have even gone back home."

Alex looks at his boss questioningly.

"She chose not to." Addison can feel the tears welling in her eyes. "The hospital is where she felt most at home," she continues. "And I get that."

Alex nods in concession. "I'm going to miss seeing her here every day. I'm going to miss talking to her." He attempts a smile that doesn't quite make his eyes. "Morning-time conversations with Yang and Grey leave a lot to be desired. Vivian and I ... we sort of had a morning routine, and I'm going to miss it."

Addison swallows thickly. She's going to miss it too. She's going to miss coming into work and finding Vivian and Karev already deep in conversation. She's going to miss seeing the way Karev looked at her—eagerly taking in whatever she was saying. She's going to miss the way she looked at him—with a mixture of patience and encouragement. She was molding the future of her profession, and she knew it.

She blinks in surprise when Joe places a glass of scotch in front of her and she weakly smiles her thanks before turning back to Karev, who's raising his glass of scotch in her direction.

She lightly taps her glass against his, the familiarity of it all hitting her so hard it almost knocks her over. This may be the first glass of scotch she's drank with Karev, but it's making her think of Vivian and all the glasses of scotch they drank together over the years.

"You know, I remember my last glass of scotch with Vivian," she says, her voice hoarse.

"Yeah?" Karev sits up straighter and leans in closer, genuinely interested.

"It was right before she left for LA to take a Chief of Surgery position." Addison smiles slightly. "At the time, she was the youngest doctor to be named Chief of Surgery. And the day before she left, we drank scotch together at ..." Addison shakes her head, "this very divey bar. But," she smiles, "it didn't matter. It was still wonderful, and I remember it like it was yesterday."

 _~Suitcase of memories~  
_

 _Vivian's going away party is perfect. Perfectly decorated, perfectly organized, perfectly sad._

 _Vivian is really leaving. And Addison is devastated._

 _She's a big enough person to recognize that this is an incredible opportunity for Vivian. But, still, selfishly, she can't help feeling crushed._

 _"I've been looking all over for you."_

 _Addison turns in surprise and sees Vivian standing in front of her._

 _She'd spent a total of maybe two minutes talking with Vivian at her goodbye party—which made sense since various attendings, residents, interns, and nurses were all trying to say their goodbyes._

 _"I was wondering," Vivian continues, "do you want to grab a drink somewhere else?"_

 _Addison blinks in surprise. "And leave your going away party?"_

 _Vivian shrugs. "It's a lovely party. And I appreciate everyone coming out to support me. But ..." she gestures to the roomful of people, "it's not them I'm going to miss when I'm in California. I'm going to miss you. So," she smirks, "I'm not above leaving my own going away party. Are you?"_

 _"Of course not," Addison shakes her head. "You tell me where and we'll go."_

 _In the end they decide on a bar close to the hospital—a bar they've been to several times. Only this time it's different._

 _"I hate goodbyes," Vivian admits as she sips at her scotch._

 _"You should just stay here then," Addison quips. Her tone may be light, but she's only partially joking. She meets her mentor's eyes. "What am I going to do without you?"_

 _"The same thing you've done since the first day that I met you," Vivian insists as though it were obvious. "You're going to be brilliant."_

 _Addison shakes her head. "I'm gonna miss you."_

 _Vivian gives Addison a warm smile. "I'm going to miss you too, but don't let me, okay?"_

 _"What?" Addison looks at her mentor in confusion._

 _"Don't let me miss you," Vivian repeats simply. "Perform cutting-edge surgeries, publish a ton. I want to see your name and your accomplishments in every medical journal I read. That way, I won't have a chance to miss you."_

 _Addison swallows roughly. "I want to read about your surgeries too," she says. "I'm not finished learning from you. So ... don't give me a chance to miss you either."_

 _Vivian nods solemnly and raises her glass of scotch in Addison's direction. "It's a deal. I'll make sure you don't forget me."_

 _"Forget you?" Addison raises an eyebrow, as she taps her glass against Vivian's. "That's not possible."_

 _"That's very flattering," Vivian says as she takes another sip of her scotch._

 _"It's true," Addison insists._

 _Vivian smiles modestly. "Addison?" she continues, setting her scotch back down and suddenly growing very serious._

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"Don't forget to teach." She looks down at her drink for a moment before meeting Addison's eyes. "The surgeries and the publications ... those things are important. But teaching ..." she trails off, giving Addison a small smile, "that's important too."_

 _~Time after …Sometimes~_

"It's been a long time since I thought of that night," Addison confesses.

Alex gives her a slight smile. "Did Vivian really leave her own going away party?" His eyes twinkle with curiosity.

"She really did," Addison confirms.

Alex chuckles. "What a bad-ass."

"Yeah," Addison swallows hard. "She was."

She glances sideways at Alex, who's sipping at his scotch and feels overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. Vivian should be here—in the seat next to hers. And it should be the _three_ of them, drinking scotch together and talking about medicine.

That's the way it should be, and she hates that that's not the way it is.

"You remind of her, Dr. Shepherd," Alex says cutting into Addison's thoughts.

At that, Addison blinks back tears. It had been an enormous compliment when Derek told her that all those years ago. And it's just as meaningful a compliment coming from Karev today.

"Thank you," she chokes. She meets his eyes. "I see a lot of her in you as well."

"Really?" Alex asks, his voice thick with emotion.

"Yeah."

Alex shakes his head. "That could be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

She smiles at her intern sincerely. "I mean it. I don't say anything I don't mean."

"Neither do I."

Addison smiles slightly. "Neither did Vivian."

Alex nods in agreement. He may not have known Vivian for long, but he knew her. He got her.

"I was, uh, I was actually wondering," Alex begins hesitantly. "I was reading one of Vivian's articles the other day. It was on in-utero treatment for babies with severe congenital pulmonary airway malformations. It was really interesting. And I had some questions about it that I wanted to ask her. But ... obviously ..." he trails off sadly.

Addison swallows roughly. She knows the article well.

"It's an amazing article," Addison says quietly.

"Yeah."

"Very complex." She looks at her intern sympathetically. "I'm really sorry you and Vivian never got to discuss it."

He nods mutely and, again, Addison can't help thinking about the unfairness of it all.

"Um, Karev ..." she begins delicately. "I know I'm not Vivian. And I know I'll never be Vivian ... but I _do_ know the article. And I've performed in-utero surgeries on babies with CPAM. So, if you want, I can answer your questions. We can talk about the article."

"I ... Really?" He looks at his boss warily, taking in her puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "Because we don't have to. If you don't want to talk about it right now, we don't have to."

"I know," Addison nods. "But talking about Vivian's article and her accomplishments ... it makes it harder to miss her. Harder to forget her," she amends.

"Forget Vivian Carlsmith?" Alex shakes his head and gives Addison a small smile. "I don't think that's possible."

xxxxx

Addison rolls over in bed for what must be the thousandth time tonight. Sleep, unsurprisingly, is not coming easy.

"You awake?" she hears Derek mumble.

"Yeah." She turns to face him and props herself up on her elbow. "I can't sleep."

"Me either." He sighs heavily. "I wish I could tell you this gets easier. But it doesn't. Not for a while, at least. And even then, it's never easy."

Addison nods mutely. "Um, Derek," she begins hesitantly. "Before Vivian died, I ... transcribed a letter for her. To her daughter. Vivian asked me to find her daughter and give her the letter. And I agreed. I just ... I guess I was wondering ..." she meets his eyes in the darkness, "will you come with me?"

Of course he will. Right now, he'd go to the end of the earth with her if she asked him to.

"Derek?"

"I'll go with you," he whispers. "Just say the words and we'll go."

He hears her sigh in relief. And he knows it's his turn. She had a question for him that was weighing on her. And he has something to share with her that's been weighing on him.

They're nothing if not equals in every way.

Maybe now is the wrong time for him to bring it up. But he kind of thinks it isn't. If losing Vivian today has taught him anything, it's not to put things off until tomorrow. Because tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

"I want kids," he whispers into the darkness. His second time sharing this today, he realizes.

It felt good—cathartic, even—to share this with Vivian. But sharing it with Addison is big ... monumental, even.

She doesn't respond. And for a moment he thinks she didn't hear him.

But then she squeezes his hand, and he knows she heard him.

It's not a verbal response, but when they're at their best, they don't need words to communicate.

He pulls her in closer and kisses her softly. And as she feels her husband's lips against hers—gentle and loving—and as she thinks about the promise of a future they just silently agreed upon together, she can't help wondering if buried somewhere deep inside this unspeakable sadness is just the slightest glimmer of hope.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Thank you so, so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter and on this story! I really appreciate it! I'm sorry it's taken a while to get the next chapter up. I kept making revisions to it and things have been hectic – which I'll admit isn't a great combination. This story is starting to draw to a close … kind of. Right now, I'm thinking a minimum of two more chapters. But before I wrap it up, I want to put the ball in your court – if there's a flashback that you feel like I missed or a flashback you'd like to see, let me know, and I'll do my best to work it in. Just my small way of saying thank you for being such great readers and not hating me for killing off Vivian.

Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading!

* * *

She drums her fingers against her thigh as she waits for her flight to take off.

Vivian's daughter Linda lives in Pennsylvania, and she and Derek are flying out there to meet her and give her Vivian's letter.

They'd briefly discussed visiting their families after meeting Linda. Practically speaking, it made sense; Pennsylvania is a lot closer to New York and Connecticut than Seattle is, after all. But in the end, they decided against it. This trip is supposed to be about honoring Vivian, and they plan to keep it that way.

And that means meeting Linda.

It's not a name Vivian would have chosen; Addison knows that much. But Addison already likes her.

For starters, she's Vivian's daughter. But, also, because Linda agreed to meet her.

Addison knows adoption can be complicated. And sometimes adopted children have no interest in meeting their birth parents—which is their right, of course. But Vivian's daughter is not one of those cases. And Addison is glad.

The feeling of Derek supportively rubbing her thigh rips her from her thoughts and brings her back to reality. And Addison gives him a small smile.

"What do you think she'll be like?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know."

She nods passively. The great nature versus nurture debate. Addison would be lying if she said she wasn't hoping to see some pieces of Vivian in Linda. And not just physical similarities—she's hoping for similar personalities, shared mannerisms ... Vivian-isms.

She glances at her husband again. It's surreal to think that the last time she flew—the last time they both flew, actually—had been independently. He'd flown to Seattle to get away. And she had flown after him to bring him back.

She likes to think she was successful.

She may not have brought him back to New York. But the Derek sitting next to her certainly isn't the same man he was when she first came to Seattle. He's the man she married all those years ago.

And yet he's also different. But then again, she supposes she's different too.

Still, the Derek she knows is back. And she realizes that she largely has Vivian to thank for this. The very thought is enough to bring tears to her eyes. Even in her weakest moments—her dying moments—Vivian was helping her out.

Which is why it's so important for her to deliver Vivian's letter. She owes it to her mentor. Plus, she wants to do it.

"You okay?"

Addison looks at her husband in surprise. "I'm okay," she nods. "I was just thinking."

"Yeah?" He gently rubs her thigh and meets her eyes. "About what?"

She sighs and rests her head against his shoulder. "About Vivian … and …" she casts her eyes downward, "and about us."

Derek smiles and kisses the top of her head, and Addison closes her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to be comforted by Derek's silent reassurance.

"Derek?" she says after a moment.

"Yeah?"

She looks up at him and meets his eyes. "Thanks again for coming with me."

"You don't have to thank me," Derek insists, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear.

"I know. But still ..." She looks up at him again. "I could have come alone, and I'm sure it would have been fine, but ... I'm really glad I didn't have to."

He looks down at her and smiles. He's glad too.

She's right—she would have been perfectly fine making the trip alone. But he wouldn't have been alright with it.

If she'd gone alone, it wouldn't have been right. Because he knows that, right now, he's exactly where he needs to be. And more importantly, he's exactly where he's supposed to be.

xxxxx

Vivian's daughter is nice. And she's sweet. But mostly, she's well-adjusted.

She harbors no resentment towards her birth mother, and is living a full, rich life. Addison doesn't need to look any further than the dozens of pictures that adorn the living room to see this.

There are pictures of Linda and her husband, Greg. Linda and Greg—Vivian's daughter and son-in-law.

And there are pictures of their three children—grandchildren. Vivian has grandchildren.

 _Had_ grandchildren.

For Addison, it still hasn't fully sunk in that Vivian's gone. She's still everywhere. Present even in her absence.

"And this is Melanie," Linda's voice cuts in, ripping Addison from her thoughts. Linda motions to the picture in her hand. "She's my middle child, and she's a sophomore in college."

Addison studies the picture closely. Comparing Melanie to Linda. Comparing both to Vivian.

"What's she majoring in?"

Addison turns in surprise at the sound of Derek's voice.

"It changes every day," Linda laughs. "The last time we spoke she was talking about majoring in Canadian studies." Linda shakes her head self-deprecatingly. "I don't even know kids could major in Canadian studies." She quirks an eyebrow. "I'm guessing this interest in Canadian studies isn't something my daughter got from Vivian."

"Not as far as I know," Addison chuckles. "Vivian was pre-med."

Linda nods slowly. "That makes sense. I was an education major," she volunteers. "I teach third grade. Which I guess is pretty much as far away as possible from what Vivian did."

"Not at all," Addison disagrees.

Linda looks at her in confusion. "But I thought you said she was a world-class surgeon."

"She was," Addison nods. "But ..." she meets Linda's eyes and feels a warmth spread across her chest. She hadn't realized it right away, but she sees it now—Linda has Vivian's eyes.

"Vivian was a brilliant surgeon," Addison continues fondly, "but she was also an incredible teacher."

"Really?" A slow smile spreads across Linda's face.

"Really," Addison confirms. "She's the best teacher I ever had. She's the type of teacher I strive to be. And she was still teaching up until the very end ... from her hospital bed. She was still mentoring students."

"And she did it in such a genuine way," Derek adds. "Her contributions to medicine are undeniable, and that's what most people remember her for. But she was also a really good teacher."

"The best," Addison agrees.

"And she had no patience for doctors who didn't take teaching seriously," Derek continues.

Addison swallows hard—she knows exactly what Derek's referring to.

Linda, of course, doesn't. So they tell her.

 _~After my picture fades~  
_

 _It's their first rotation, and they're with Patterson. Harold Patterson is one of the best cardiovascular surgeons out there. He's also one of the biggest assholes out there. He's known for having no bedside manner and no interest in teaching interns and residents._

 _And Addison and Derek are experiencing this first hand._

 _"Where's Derek Shepherd?" Patterson calls out. "Shepherd?"_

 _"Right here," Derek says with intern-like eagerness as he steps forward._

 _"Ah, good," Patterson nods. "Listen, Shepherd, I'm about to round on some patients. I need you to fetch me a coffee."_

 _"Excuse me?" Derek's eyes widen in surprise._

 _"Light and sweet."_

 _"I'm sorry, but ..." Derek trails off; and he can't help noticing Addison shaking her head in disapproval. Though he's not sure what she's offended by more—the fact that Patterson is sending Derek on a coffee run, or Patterson's weak coffee order._

 _"Shepherd, why are you still standing here?" Patterson demands. "Time's a tickin'. Tick-tock."_

 _"But I'm supposed to be rounding with you," Derek points out._

 _Patterson shrugs. "You'll catch up. Right now, I need my coffee, and you're the help." He turns to Addison. "I don't remember requesting a nurse's assistance for rounds."_

 _Addison's jaw drops at that. "I'm a surgeon."_

 _"Really?" Patterson looks at her pointedly._

 _"Really," Addison seethes through gritted teeth._

 _"I'm just saying," Patterson shrugs, "you look more like a nurse."_

 _"And what's that supposed to mean?" an undeniably irritated voice rings out._

 _Addison, Derek, Patterson, and the rest of the interns turn instantly._

 _Vivian is standing there, hands on her hips, glaring at Patterson. If looks could kill, Patterson wouldn't stand a chance._

 _"I said what's that supposed to mean?" Vivian repeats forcefully when Patterson meets her question with silence._

 _Patterson rolls his eyes at her. "Everyone knows nurses are nice to look at. Dumb as dirt … but nice to look at. Come on, you're not blind, Vivian." He gestures vaguely toward Addison. "Look at her. She's nurse material."_

 _"Excuse me," Vivian fumes, "but the last time I checked, your job was to teach Dr. Montgomery." She takes an aggressive step Patterson, her eyes flashing. "Your job is to evaluate her surgical skills, not her looks. And I swear if you so much as—"_

 _"Shepherd, why are you still standing here?" Patterson cuts in. "Where the hell is my coffee?"_

 _"Unbelievable," Vivian mutters, shaking her head in disapproval. "Harold," she reprimands, "interns are here to learn, not to take your coffee orders."_

 _"Getting coffee for senior staff is grunt work," Patterson disagrees. "It's part of being an intern."_

 _"No," Vivian claps back, "being an intern is grunt work enough. Stop using the interns as help. And stop making comments about their physical appearances."_

 _"Well, that takes all the fun out of it. What's the point of having interns then."_

 _"To teach them," Vivian says—plain and simple. "To teach them."  
_

 _~You're wondering if I'm okay~_

"She sounded amazing," Linda marvels.

Addison smiles at Linda fondly. "She was."

"Did that guy Patterson ever give you guys trouble again," Linda asks, leaning in closer, intrigued.

"He never made an effort to teach us," Addison shrugs. "But he also never mistook me for a nurse after that day. And he stopped making vulgar, inappropriate comments about my appearance."

"He never asked me to get him coffee again," Derek adds. He shakes his head in disgust. "Patterson was horrible. Vivian couldn't stand him."

"I don't blame her," Linda nods. "So," she continues, clearly still interested in the story that Addison and Derek have just shared with her, "Patterson never turned over a new leaf?"

"Definitely not," Derek chuckles. "I mean, he was still a respected surgeon, but … most people also saw him for who he really was."

 _The kind of person who treats interns like they're second-class citizens_ Vivian used to say.

 _The kind of person who doesn't care about the future of the profession._ Vivian frequently remarked.

 _The kind of person who sleeps with interns to stroke his own fragile ego._ Vivian occasionally told them—once they, themselves, were no longer interns, of course.

Derek's throat goes dry at the memory. He doesn't think he ever achieved Harold Patterson's level of arrogance and indecency … but his early days in Seattle had brought him a little too close for comfort.

"Vivian was the Anti-Patterson," he hears Addison say as he rejoins the conversation. "She taught, she showed compassion … and she was tough as nails. She was also a more talented surgeon that Patterson," Addison continues proudly, "and everyone, _including Patterson_ , knew it."

"Wow," Linda whispers. "Wow. I … I wish I had something more eloquent to say. But hearing your stories about Vivian … your memories about her … they just …" She shakes her head and meets Addison's eyes. "I'm really glad you found me. Thank you," she says quietly. "Thank you for finding me. Thank you for coming out here. And thank you for telling me about her."

"I'm sorry she couldn't tell you herself," Addison apologizes. "She wanted to ... towards the end. But she was too sick. So, she, um … she wrote you this letter." Addison reaches into her purse and hands a sealed envelope to Linda. "This is from Vivian. She wanted you to have it."

Linda looks at Addison in surprise. "She wrote this?"

"Technically, I wrote it," Addison admits. "Vivian was too sick to write. But she dictated the entire thing. They're her words, her thoughts, her feelings."

"I ... I don't know what to say," Linda confesses vulnerably.

"You don't have to say anything," Addison reassures. "And open the letter when you feel ready to ... on your own terms. Vivian would understand."

"Yeah," Linda chokes out, half laughing, half crying. "That's the impression that I get."

Addison gives Linda a watery smile. "I'm really glad I met you."

"I'm glad I met you too, Addison." Linda brushes a few stray tears from her eyes. "And thank you. Thank you for being such an important person in her life."

"No," Addison shakes her head. "Vivian was the one who was important in my life."

"Yeah," Linda agrees, "I know. But …" she gives Addison a warm smile, "I think we all know the feeling was mutual.

xxxxx

"I really liked her," Addison tells Derek as they drive back to their hotel.

"I did too."

"She was nothing like Vivian."

"I know," Derek agrees.

"But Vivian would have loved her."

"Yeah," Derek smiles as he parks the car. "She really would have."

They're largely silent as they make their way through the ornate hotel lobby. Once they're alone in the elevator, he turns to her.

"Linda's right, though. You know that, don't you?"

Addison raises an eyebrow. "About what?"

"About you and Vivian." He opens the door to their hotel room. "You really meant a lot to her."

Addison nods mutely and her throat grows thick with emotion. She can feel the moisture building in her eyes. She's too choked up to thank Derek, or tell him how much his words mean to her.

And it's okay because she knows he gets it.

But still … she does the only thing she can think of. The only thing she can do right now with any certainty. She wraps her arms around him and holds him tight. And he melts into her, holding her back just as tight.

"She's the second most important person I've ever met," Addison mumbles into the crook of Derek's neck, finally finding her words.

"What?" Derek asks in confusion.

"Vivian," Addison explains. She meets his eyes and gives him a soft smile. "She's the second most important person I've ever met."

Derek can't help smiling at that. "Wait …" he swallows roughly, cupping her cheek with his hand, "so, you're saying ...?"

She nods slightly, her eyes never leaving his. "Of course, you're the first."

The words are barely out of her mouth before his lips are on hers. And she kisses him back, slowly at first. But it's not enough, she needs more. So, she kisses him with more urgency, her lips attacking his, groaning appreciatively when he reciprocates and kisses her just as intensely.

"I love you," he whispers, pulling back for a moment. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah," she breathes, her lips reconnecting with his.

She pulls him in closer and kisses him deeply, raking her fingers through his dark curls.

He eases them down on the bed and she pulls him on top of her.

She wastes no time sliding his sweater over his head. And he makes equally quick work of unbuttoning her jeans.

He reaches for a condom, but she stops him, placing a hand on his forearm; and an involuntary smile spreads across his face. He meets her eyes and gives her a questioning look. She doesn't say anything—just gives him a slight nod.

It speaks volumes.

And she feels her heart swell as he kisses her with renewed vigor, both of them breathing heavily now.

It's the perfect way to end what can only be described as an emotionally-draining day.

And as she lays in his arms—her heart still racing as they bask in the afterglow—she can't help smiling. A true, wide, genuine smile. Definitely the biggest smile that's graced her lips in days. And to her surprise she doesn't feel guilty about it. To her surprise, it actually feels good.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter! And thank you to everyone who left flashback requests. It's funny, the flashbacks I had in mind were very much in line with the flashbacks that were requested—great minds, I guess!

I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up; things have been—and still are—pretty hectic. But writing and finishing up this chapter was a wonderful and much needed break. I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it. This is the final chapter of the story, but I'll include at least one epilogue chapter.

And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing; I so appreciate it!

* * *

"I'm glad we did that."

Derek twists slightly in his airplane seat and looks at his wife curiously. "Did what?"

"Flew out to Pennsylvania. Met Linda." Addison sighs as she relaxes into the back of her seat. "I'm glad we honored Vivian the way she deserved to be honored."

"Yeah," Derek agrees. "Me too. Although …" he continues, a mischievous smile forming on his face, "a part of me thought you might be referring to all the time we spent in our hotel room."

Addison chuckles. "Trust me, I'm definitely not complaining about that."

"Yeah, I never got the impression that you were," he smirks.

Addison can't help smiling at that.

Their time in Pennsylvania had been bittersweet.

Bitter because it put a deeper sense of finality on Vivian's life.

Sweet because they had met Vivian's daughter.

And sweeter because it gave Addison and Derek a chance to reconnect with each other. Away from Seattle and all the gossip there. Away from New York and all their history there.

In Pennsylvania, it was just him and her. No work, no distractions. No anesthesia.

Just them.

And now they're heading back to Seattle. But this time it feels different.

This time, he's not trying to get away from his wife and his past.

Quite the opposite, actually. Because both his wife and his past are big parts of who he is today.

And this time, she's returning to a husband who doesn't hate her—who's not indifferent toward her.

Quite the opposite, actually.

"So, I was thinking," Derek whispers, ripping Addison from her thoughts, "maybe tonight we could have dinner together. We could try a new place. We really haven't found too many restaurants we like in Seattle," he frowns.

Addison can't resist the smile forming on her face, and she can't help thinking about the day Vivian was admitted to Seattle Grace. All she'd wanted to do that morning was have dinner with Derek later that night. And he ignored her ... acted like he couldn't be bothered.

So having him ask her to dinner tonight feels almost poetic. It feels right.

"So, um, is that a yes for dinner?"

"Yeah," Addison smiles. "Of course, it is."

xxxxx

"I'm not sure that restaurant is going to be a regular," Addison comments as Derek lets them into the trailer.

"Why not? I thought it was good."

"Not as good as New York," Addison disagrees.

Derek sighs. He was waiting for this to come up. He'd hoped it wouldn't come up for another couple of weeks. But Addison moves fast—a New Yorker to her very core.

With Vivian gone, there's no longer anything tying her to Seattle, and he knew it was only a matter of time before she started bringing New York up.

Except he likes it out here.

"Is anything as good as New York?" he challenges, folding his arms across his chest.

Addison narrows her eyes. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"No," Derek shakes his head. "I'm pretty sure I know the answer."

"I'm just saying, Honey, New York is a major city. It's _the_ city."

"I hate to break it to you, Addie, but as far as cities go, Seattle isn't a bad one."

"I guess," Addison shrugs halfheartedly.

"So, there's nothing about Seattle that you like then?" Derek asks pointedly.

"I never said that," Addison counters, surprised by the unmistakable edge in her husband's voice.

"Not in those words," Derek says, his tone sharp. "But," he uncurls a finger, "you hate the trailer. And you hate the restaurants," he continues, uncurling a second finger. "And you hate—"

"I do hate the trailer," Addison interrupts just as sharply, clearly irritated by Derek's accusations. "You know that. That's no secret. And as far as the restaurants go," she shrugs, "we haven't tried very many yet. So, the jury's still out on that one. But, Derek," she continues, her voice firm and soft all at the same time, "I don't hate Seattle. Seattle has you ... and I can tell that you love it out here. And not in a I'm having a mid-life crisis kind of way. You genuinely love it out here. And I love you, so ... I'm willing to give the rest of it a chance." She looks at him, the hurt in her eyes evident. "At least … I was."

In an instant his arms are around her. He'd underestimated her, and he hates himself for it.

He'd spent so many of his early days and her early days in Seattle building her up as a villain. He'd thought that everything they'd been through together these past several months had undone all that.

But apparently it hadn't.

Apparently, he had done such a good job building her up as a villain, it had a more damaging effect on him, her, and their marriage than he'd realized.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, still holding her close.

"Forget about it," she mutters indifferently, shrugging out of his arms and moving across the trailer to retrieve her pajamas from the closet.

"No." He follows behind her. "No, I don't want to forget about it."

She turns to look at him, her eyes defeated. "I knew it was only a matter of time." She swallows roughly, tears stinging her eyes. "Now that Vivian's gone and the dust is starting to settle, you no longer feel obligated to me. I get it."

He looks at her in disbelief. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"

She shrugs. "You're not giving me a reason not to believe it. You're not—"

But he cuts her off before she can finish, crashing his lips against hers.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, pulling back after a moment. "I shouldn't have said those things. I didn't realize. I should have realized. I wasn't thinking, and I'm sorry." He shakes his head apologetically and meets her eyes. "I feel like an idiot, if it makes you feel any better."

She shrugs, a small smile playing on her face. "It does, a little."

He releases the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Addison has every right to make things hard on him ... to hold a grudge. And he knows if roles were reversed, he admittedly would have.

But Addison isn't him—it's one of the many reasons he loves her—and, apparently, she's not holding a grudge.

"We should talk about this," Derek continues. "I want to talk about this."

He really does, actually.

Talking—it's one of the key aspects of being in a well-functioning marriage. Well, that and thinking about the other person and your lives together.

And he wants to do this with Addison. He wants to have those conversations and think about those things. He wants their marriage to work.

Addison's right—he does love Seattle. And not in the I'm having a mid-life crisis type of way (a quip he's certain came from one of his sisters).

Nevertheless, he loves Seattle. But he loves Addison more.

"Let's talk about this," Derek says. He sits down on the bed and motions for her to join him.

"Not now, Derek."

He has used that line with her many times. Too many to count, if he's being honest with himself. If he had a dollar for every time that he said those words to her...

But her tone isn't like his. Her tone isn't angry or dismissive. There's something genuine about it.

"We should talk about it," she continues as she reaches into the closet. "But not tonight."

She turns to face him, and he sees she's holding a book that he easily recognizes as their wedding album.

"It's just ..." her cheeks tinge red. "Lately, we've spent so much time reminiscing, I guess I wasn't ready to stop." She shakes her head self-depreciatingly. "It's stupid, I know. It's—"

"It's not," Derek insists. He pats the spot next to him on the bed, and she sits down next to him.

Tomorrow they can talk about the serious stuff. Tomorrow they can make plans for the future.

But tonight they'll reminisce.

"What was it you said when you first came out here?" Derek asks, his eyes twinkling. "That you flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed, and make me realize I can't live without you."

"I did say that," Addison says seriously. "You never took me up on it."

"I didn't," Derek agrees. "But," he continues, a smile forming on his lips, "I want to now. Let's not get drunk, though," he adds quickly.

She can't help smiling at how well he knows her. They spent a fair bit of their time in Pennsylvania trying for a baby. And while she knows as well as anyone, given her profession, that these things often take time, she also knows there's still a possibility. So just in case they were successful, she's not drinking.

She likes that Derek knows this without her having to tell him. She likes that he knows how her mind works.

"Let's not get drunk," she agrees as she flips open the wedding album, smiling at the first picture—them as newlyweds.

"We were so young," she comments, her eyes fixed on the photo. "We were babies."

"I don't think we look that different," Derek insists, chuckling when his wife elbows him in the ribs.

She flips to a page of the family, and they can't help smiling.

"Nancy's soccer mom haircut," Addison laughs affectionately.

Derek chuckles as he too takes in his older sister's undeniably unfortunate haircut. "I don't know, I didn't think it was that bad until ..." he scratches his head, "wait … who was it that dubbed it the soccer mom haircut?"

"Trust me, Honey," Addison laughs, "it was always _that_ bad. And ..." she smiles, reminiscing, "it was Amelia who coined the soccer mom haircut."

"That's right," Derek says, grinning at what may have been the funniest thing his otherwise too-wild-for her-own-good youngest sister ever said. "And the name just stuck."

"Because it was perfect," Addison insists as she flips through more pages. "Of course, it stuck."

She's about to say more, but when she flips to the next picture, all thoughts of Amelia and Nancy and Nancy's soccer mom haircut vanish. And her eyes soften as she takes in the picture.

Her and Derek exchanging vows.

"You know my mentor Edward once told me that your wedding vows aren't the most important words you say to your spouse," Derek begins, his eyes focused on the picture. "He said it's what you say and do when times get rough that matter most. And I think he's right ... for the most part. Which is why I didn't go to him when I wanted to run my vows by someone." He looks up and meets her eyes. "I went to Vivian."

"What?" Addison asks in surprise.

"I went to Vivian," he repeats, taking in the look of astonishment on her face. "She never told you?"

"No," Addison shakes her head. "She didn't."

"I was nervous," Derek admits. "I thought my vows were good, but I wanted a second opinion. And Mark's Mark, so I couldn't ask him. And my mother ..."

"Doesn't like me."

"Wasn't the right choice either," Derek corrects, though Addison knows otherwise. "And my sisters would have ended up rewriting the whole thing and it would have been so mushy and gooey and over-the-top. But Vivian," he smiles, "she knew you. She got you. And I trusted that she wouldn't let me embarrass myself on my wedding day."

"You definitely didn't embarrass yourself," Addison smiles.

She can't help thinking about Derek's vows. They seemed very in line with something that Derek would say or write. So much so that it's hard for her to imagine anyone else's input going into them.

"So, wait..." Addison trails off, turning to her husband. "How much of your vows did Vivian tell you to change."

"She didn't tell me to change anything," Derek smiles. He shakes his head, reminiscing. "She said not to change a single word."

At this Addison's smile grows wider.

"What?" Derek asks in confusion, taking in his wife's almost gleeful expression. "What?"

"Nothing." She looks down at the picture again, her eyes softening. "It's just ... I went to Vivian for help with my vows too."

"Really?" Derek chuckles.

"Really."

It feels like so many years ago. But at the same time, Addison's memory of that day is perfect. And she can't help remembering.

 _~ Suitcase of memories ~_

 _"You look hard at work."_

 _Addison looks up in surprise and sees Vivian standing in front of her._

 _"Medical research?" Vivian asks, gesturing to the scraps of paper strewn across the cafeteria table Addison is sitting at._

 _Addison shakes her head in embarrassment. "Wedding vows, actually."_

 _"Yours?" Vivian asks, intrigued, as she sits down next to Addison._

 _"Yeah."_

 _Vivian raises an eyebrow, taking in the look of exhaustion on Addison's face. "How are they coming along?"_

 _"Good," Addison answers quickly. "I mean, they're fine. Honestly," she sighs, "at this point, I don't even know anymore. It's just," she tinges red, "whenever I write something like this ... an important speech or a conference paper or ... anything important, really ... I usually test it out on Derek. And obviously I can't do that with my vows." She looks at Vivian questioningly. "You can say no. In fact, I wouldn't blame you if you did, but … could I get your opinion on my vows? Remember, you can say no," Addison adds quickly._

 _Vivian chuckles. "I'll take a look at them, if that's what you want. It's just ... are you sure you wouldn't prefer to have a family member or a friend to look at them?"_

 _"Feelings and emotions aren't really my family's strong suit. Self-written wedding vows make them uncomfortable. And my matron of honor," Addison continues as she thinks about Savvy fondly, "her wedding vows were perfect. I'm not ready to show her mine yet." She blushes in embarrassment. "In case it's not clear, I'm perfectly aware of how crazy I sound."_

 _"You don't sound crazy," Vivian insists._

 _"Really?" Addison looks at her mentor suspiciously._

 _"Really," Vivian reassures. "You sound like a person who loves her fiancé and wants her vows to reflect that."_

 _Addison can't help smiling at that. It sounds a lot better Vivian's way._

 _She hands her vows to her mentor, carefully studying Vivian's face as she reads, looking for some indication of what Vivian thinks._

 _But Vivian's face is neutral. Most doctors have good poker faces, and unsurprisingly Vivian's poker face is above average._

 _"So ...?" Addison trails off when Vivian looks up at her. "What do you think?"_

 _"Honestly?"_

 _"Yeah. Be brutal with me."_

 _"They're perfect," Vivian smiles at her warmly. "Don't change a single word."  
_

 _~ Time after ... Sometimes ~_

"Vivian was right," Derek agrees. "Your vows were perfect."

"You remember them?"

The tone of her voice makes his heart twist. Her tone isn't accusatory. And it's not angry. She genuinely wants to know.

And he supposes he can't blame her. When he first came to Seattle, his memory about their past and what they'd once had was selective at best. He likes to think he was able to undo all that, but he knows as well as anyone that hurt and betrayal take time to heal.

And as cliché as it sounds, they still need some time to continue to heal. Which is fine by him. Because as far as he's concerned, they have forever—every day until eternity.

"I remember your vows," Derek insists, wrapping an arm loosely around his wife. "I mean, I don't remember them verbatim, but ..." he smiles, "I remember the way they made me feel."

Like the luckiest guy in the world. Like he was in the middle of a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

"I remember how that whole day made me feel," he continues, beaming.

Addison gives him a soft smile. And he can tell she's remembering too.

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

 _Her wedding day is everything she ever wanted and everything she never imagined having. She'd grown up with parents in a loveless relationship, and she pretty much assumed she'd follow suit._

 _But as she dances, wrapped in Derek's arms, at their wedding reception, she knows they're nothing like her parents. They're nothing like any other couple she's ever met._

 _They're Addison-and-Derek and she can't think of anything better than that._

 _All day, she's been unable to keep her eyes off her husband._

Her husband _. Admittedly, she loves the way that sounds._

 _She has a ridiculous lovesick grin on her face. She can't help it. She's ridiculously in love with her husband, and it's her wedding day. Plus, Derek has the same expression on his face—which, of course, only makes her love him more._

 _"This is pretty perfect," Derek murmurs as they dance cheek to cheek._

 _"Yeah," Addison breathes in agreement._

 _"And everything came together so well," he smiles as he thinks about all the work Addison did months and months in advance to make today the day it is. "I know you didn't think it would come together," Derek continues as memories of him overhearing Addison's end of various heated negotiations and phone conversations spring to his mind. "But it did."_

 _Addison smiles at Derek's compliment. "Do you want to know a secret?" she asks, lowering her voice._

 _"Yeah."_

 _"A few weeks ago, I stopped caring about having the perfect wedding."_

 _Derek narrows his eyes as his new wife. "Coming from the same woman who was freaking out last week when Kathleen called to tell you she didn't lose as much baby weight as she'd anticipated and her bridesmaid dress didn't fit."  
_

" _Everyone knows you're supposed to order for the size you are, not the size you want to be," Addison insists shaking her head in annoyance. "Okay," she concedes with a chuckle, "maybe I still wanted the perfect wedding. But, honestly," she continues, growing serious. "I'm looking forward to what comes next ... our marriage," she smiles. "Because, at the end of the day, a wedding ... it's one day. But our marriage ... that's forever."_

 _He smiles and kisses her chastely. "Every day until eternity," he agrees as they continue to dance together, completely oblivious to everyone and everything around them._

 _"Best love song ever," Addison whispers, easily recognizing the lyrics. "Um, Derek?" She meets his eyes._

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"Even though I just said that the marriage is more important than the wedding, I think you should know ... I want you to know," she smiles at him, "that this is the best wedding I've ever been too."_

 _"Yeah," he grins, holding her close. "It's the best wedding I've ever been to, and I'm pretty sure it's the best one I'll ever go to."  
_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"We were right," Derek grins, his eyes fixed on the pictures in their wedding album. "No wedding has ever or will ever top ours."

"Yeah," Addison swallows roughly. "But what about our marriage?"

Derek sighs heavily. "Our marriage is ..." he pauses for a moment, searching for the right words. "Our marriage is a work in progress. And it might always be that way."

Addison nods as she lets her husband's words sink in. "I'm okay with that."

"You are?"

"Yeah." She flips to a new page in their wedding album and smiles at the image of their younger selves. "Weddings are easy ... comparatively speaking," she amends when he raises an eyebrow at her. "Marriages are hard work. Marriages take work. And I'm okay with that because I think we're worth it. And we don't quit."

Derek smiles. "I'm okay with that too." He flips to a new page and meets her eyes. "I'll tell you something—you were right when you first came out here. Sitting in bed with you ... looking at wedding photos ... it's made me more certain than ever that I can't live without you."

"Really?" she gulps, her eyes meeting his.

"Really," he confirms, pulling her in and kissing her softly. "I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to remember it."

She kisses him deeply, wrapping her arms around his neck; and he kisses her back just as heatedly.

And when they finally break apart, she can't help thinking about her marriage and something Vivian once said … something Vivian once wrote, actually.

She remembers it like it was yesterday—opening the card and gift Vivian gave them for their wedding. She and Derek were sitting together on the floor of their brownstone, just back from their honeymoon, opening wedding gifts.

And Addison remembers everything about it.

She remembers the check Vivian wrote was very generous. Too generous.

But what she _really_ remembers was what Vivian wrote in her card to them.

 _To Addison and Derek,_

 _Here's to everything you've done, everything you're doing, and, most importantly, everything you will do together._

 _I wish you a lifetime of happiness,_

 _Vivian Carlsmith_

And as Addison glances at her husband, who's laughing at an old picture of Savvy and Weiss in their wedding album, she can't help thinking that Vivian's words couldn't have been more accurate. Of course, she's not surprised.

Because her past, and everything she's done, is firmly rooted in Derek. And he's her present too. But, most importantly, she knows he's her future.

She doesn't know what the future holds—or what's in store for them. But she does know one thing—her future and Derek's future are intertwined. Just like their pasts are.

Many different things—both in their control and out of their control—will shape what they go on to do and who they go on to become. But whatever they go on to do, and whoever they go on to be will mostly happen for one reason—because they're together.

 _Time after time after time after time._


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: I think T.S. Eliot may have gotten it right when he said, "April is the cruelest month." At least, this April felt that way to me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to update this sooner—this last month has been crazy. I've been working on this chapter in pieces over the past month or so, and it ended up taking a lot longer than anticipated. Initially, I had planned for this to be my last chapter (and it might be), but there were some things I wanted to include in this chapter that didn't quite fit, so I may have one final chapter left.

I hope you like this chapter and have enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. And as always, I can't thank you enough for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Addison sighs as she opens the door to her house. Right now she wants nothing more than to kick off her heels and flop down on the couch.

It's been a mercilessly long day. The preemie she operated on coded four times before finally pulling through. And just as she was about to leave for the day, it seemed as though every single pregnant woman in Seattle decided to go into labor.

"Honey?" she calls out as she walks through the foyer. She raises an eyebrow when she's met with no response, and listens intently. There's muffled noise coming from the family room and she makes her way closer.

She opens her mouth to say something, but Derek stops her, bringing his index finger to his lips and encouraging her to be quiet.

"They've been playing like this for hours," he whispers, gesturing proudly to the scene in front of them.

"Good evening, Elizabeth," a little voice rings out. "How are you feeling today?" The little girl turns to her chocolate-colored teddy bear and waits patiently. "Not good?" the little girl frowns. "Don't worry," she reassures her teddy bear patient, "once Dr. Shepherd and I operate on you, you'll feel all better." She gestures toward her eight-month-old brother, who's sitting on the floor next to her; and the little boy gurgles contentedly.

Addison can't help smiling at this ... for so many reasons.

For starters, there's the teddy bear patient, Elizabeth. Addison knows firsthand that the teddy bear is named Elizabeth for good reason—after Elizabeth Blackwell, the first female doctor.

Names carry meaning. This much she knows.

"No, no!" the little girl cries out when her brother grabs their teddy bear patient with his pudgy little hands and attempts to put the stuffed animal in his mouth. "Hudson, no," the little girl says gently and firmly all at the same time. She turns to her brother, her voice soft. "No biting patients."

Hudson offers his sister his signature gummy smile, and it's contagious—Addison can't help smiling.

"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth," the little girl apologizes. "Dr. Shepherd is an intern and he's still learning."

Addison turns to Derek, her eyes shining. "She's so much like her."

Derek nods and wraps an arm around his wife's waist. There's no doubt in his mind which _her_ she's referring to.

There's no denying that their daughter, Camilla Vivian Shepherd, is a mini Vivian Carlsmith.

And maybe it shouldn't be a surprise. Conceived in their Pennsylvania hotel room during their trip to meet Vivian's daughter—and, more generally, their trip to honor Vivian—Camilla's existence proves that some things are meant to be.

Of course, naming their daughter after Vivian was non-negotiable.

They chose Vivian as a middle name because they knew how opposed Vivian was to not giving a child her own identity ... not letting her write her own story. So using Vivian as a middle name for their daughter seemed like a good compromise.

And Camilla ... just fit. In part, because both Addison and Derek liked the name. But also because it meant unmarked—a story yet to be written.

They couldn't ask for much more for their daughter. Vivian ties her to a very significant past, and Camilla represents the promise of a future of endless possibilities.

Of course, if the present is any indication, Camilla is on track to be a surgeon. At four-years-old, she loves pretending to be a doctor. And she doesn't just perform surgeries on her stuffed animals, she teaches them too. And, apparently, now she has moved on to teaching her little brother as well.

Although Hudson isn't exactly proving to be a very obedient pupil. As if to prove his mother's point, Hudson grabs their teddy bear patient and starts bringing it to his mouth again. And Addison watches as Camilla explains to him in her four-year-old vocabulary that this isn't how we treat patients.

Addison can't help marveling at the interaction. Camilla has undeniable patience that she certainly didn't get from either of her parents. In fact, the only person she and Derek knew with that type of patience was Vivian.

"Mommy," Camilla exclaims, standing up and flinging herself into her mother's arms. "You're home."

Addison hugs her daughter tightly and kisses the top of her head. And both mother and daughter glance over at Hudson, who's busy crawling all over their teddy bear patient.

"How's the new intern class?" Addison asks, doing her best to suppress a chuckle.

"Good," Camilla approves. "But my stuffed animals listen better than Hudson."

"Interns can be hard," Derek tells his daughter, ruffling her hair. It's a medium brown color—at least, that's how Addison describes it. It's lighter than his hair color and darker than hers. Funnily enough, it's similar to Vivian's hair color.

"Yeah," Camilla nods, meeting her father's eyes. "Interns can be hard. But it's our job to teach them. That's what Mommy and Uncle Alex always say."

"That's what Vivian always used to say," Addison says quietly.

Camilla looks at her mother seriously, her blue-green eyes misting over. "I wish I could see Vivian. You and Daddy and Uncle Alex always talk about her. I'm sad I can't see her."

Addison and Derek exchange a quick look, and Addison knows he gets it.

Over the years, Addison has come to terms with Vivian's death, and what was once a very open wound has scabbed over a bit. But there are still moments that rip the scab right off and leave her feeling hurt and vulnerable. Moments like this one ... where her daughter wants to meet her namesake. Or after the birth of both of her children. Or when Alex was named Chief Resident. Or any time Addison successfully performs a surgery that no one else could pull off. Or sometimes when she reflects on her and Derek's marriage and how far they've come.

"I wish Vivian could have met you too, Sweetheart," Addison says, her voice thick with emotion. She presses a kiss to her daughter's forehead. "She would have loved you."

Of this, Addison is certain. And she can't help remembering.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

 _She doesn't normally do this. She's never done this, actually. Bizzy would reprimand her if she knew what Addison was about to do._

 _But Bizzy isn't around to witness it. And Addison is now a mother, herself, so she supposes that newly entitles her to not care about what Bizzy would think._

 _Camilla's only a couple of hours old. And she's off with her doctors and nurses who are running the obligatory tests on her. Derek is off calling their family and friends, sharing their good news._

 _Which means Addison is alone. And that's why she does it._

 _"I gave birth to a little girl," she begins hesitantly, her voice just above a whisper. "Camilla. Camilla Vivian." She swallows roughly. "I named her after you."_

 _It's the conversation she would have had with Vivian ... the conversation she desperately wishes they could have had._

 _"I know you said not to name our daughter after you, but ..." Addison shrugs, "we wanted to. It's perfect for her."_

 _She quickly looks around to make sure no one is nearby, and when she's confident that she's truly alone, she continues._

 _"She's gorgeous. I know all mothers say that about their babies, but Camilla really is. She's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She has big blue eyes and a full head of brown hair, and tiny little fingers and toes."_

 _Addison shakes her head sadly. "I wish you could meet her. You'd love her. And ..." she chokes out, "I wish she could meet you. She'd adore you."_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

"Mama!"

Addison blinks in surprise at the sound of her eight-month-old screeching her name.

"Mama, mama." Hudson reaches his pudgy little arms toward his mother.

Addison breezes across the room and scoops her baby boy up off the floor and cuddles him close. And Hudson coos gleefully, clearly pleases with himself for getting his mother's attention.

Hudson Alexander Shepherd is nothing like his older sister. But equally lovable. Whereas Camilla has endless patience, it's already clear that Hudson has his parents' temperament in that arena.

He has no qualms about vocalizing his dissatisfaction when he doesn't get his way or when his parents and sister aren't paying him enough attention—Addison and Derek still aren't sure how some of Hudson's shrieks haven't rendered them deaf.

Still, Hudson is a charmer. Looks-wise, he's Derek's clone. In fact, if Addison hadn't given birth to Hudson, she'd wonder if she contributed any DNA.

He's also the cuddliest baby Addison has ever met. In fact, all he needs to do is give his mother a gummy smile and snuggle into her arms and he's instantly forgiven for whatever over-the-top tantrum he's been throwing.

Like Camilla's name, Hudson's name is significant and was carefully chosen.

His first name, Hudson, connects him to the past—both to New York and also to the river where Derek and his father used to fish when Derek was younger. And his middle name, Alexander, connects him to Seattle and the future.

Of course, Karev nearly fainted when he learned that Addison and Derek had named their son after him.

But Addison couldn't imagine any other middle name for their son. Because in addition to the obvious connections, Hudson's middle name also connects him to his sister and, in a small way, to Vivian.

Camilla's middle name represents the roots of the profession that Addison loves so much, and Hudson's represents the wings.

The sound of Camilla yawning rips Addison from her thoughts, and Addison glances down at her watch.

"It's late," she tells her kids with a small frown. Sure, she wants to spend more time with her children, but she knows from experience that if they don't get to bed soon, they're going to be cranky tomorrow.

"One story?" Camilla begs as Hudson tries to squirm out of his mother's arms.

"One story," Derek concedes as he and Addison exchange a smile. "Why don't you go upstairs and choose a book?"

Camilla shakes her head. "I want one of your stories." She climbs onto the couch and looks at her parents hopefully.

Addison can feel her resolve weakening. She doesn't have to look at Derek to know he's about to give in too.

Why fight the inevitable?

"Okay," Derek concedes as he, Addison, and a squirming Hudson join Camilla on the couch. Derek turns to his daughter. "Which story do you want to hear?"

"The one about Uncle Archer," Camilla exclaims, her eyes bright. "And the baby that spit up all over his favorite jacket."

"That's a good one," Derek approves with a chuckle. "The day that Uncle Archer said goodbye to his Burberry jacket."

Addison smiles. Lately Camilla has been less into traditional bedtime stories and more into wanting to hear stories about her parents' past. And the story of her Uncle Archer and the baby who ruined his Burberry jacket back when he was a resident is a family favorite.

"Wait," Camilla interrupts just as Derek is about to begin the story. "I wanna hear a different story." She looks from her father to her mother, her eyes earnest. "I wanna hear a story about Vivian."

Addison feels the tears building in her eyes at her daughter's new request. "Well," she recovers, swallowing roughly and doing her best to muster a smile, "there are a lot of stories to tell about Vivian."

She and Derek exchange a glance over Camilla's head and Addison knows that Derek gets it.

Camilla asking to hear stories about Vivian means everything to Addison. She's the grandmotherly figure Addison always wanted their children to have, and he understands the feeling—that mixture of happy and sad—Addison feels whenever Camilla asks about Vivian. He gets that same feeling whenever Camilla asks about Grandpa—his dad.

"I've got a good story about Vivian," Derek says after a moment. And Addison looks at him gratefully. "Actually, it's about Vivian and Mommy."

At this Camilla's blue-green eyes light up, and Hudson, sensing that something important is happening, stops squirming and leans in a little closer.

"There was a patient who needed surgery," Derek begins, purposefully leaving out the specifics so his four-year-old can understand. "And Vivian was the only one who knew how to do that surgery. And because Vivian worked at a hospital where doctors are supposed to teach interns and residents, she was supposed to have an intern or resident watch her do the surgery so they could learn. Now, because it was such a complicated and rare surgery, everyone assumed Vivian would ask a resident to watch the surgery … because residents have been doctors longer than interns. Most doctors would have chosen a resident," Derek continues. "But not Vivian. She asked your mom, who was an intern at the time, not just to watch the surgery, but to help with it. Everyone was—"

"Wait," Camilla interrupts, a look of confusion on her little face. "Vivian let Mommy help with a hard surgery when she was only an intern? I thought Mommy let Uncle Alex help out on a really hard surgery when he was only an intern."

"Who do you think I learned that from?" Addison raises an eyebrow.

"Vivian?" Camilla looks at her mother questioningly.

"That's right," Addison smiles at her daughter. But now it's her turn to be confused. She knows the story that Camilla's referring to well, but she didn't know Camilla knew it. "Camilla, who told you that story? Who told you about the big surgery that Uncle Alex helped me with when he was an intern?"

"Uncle Alex," Camilla shrugs as if the answer were obvious. "It was a very good story."

"It is a good story," Derek agrees, ruffling his daughter's brown hair. "But I thought you wanted to hear a story about Vivian."

"I do," Camilla answers quickly. "Please tell me."

"Okay," Derek chuckles. "Where were we?"

And as Derek continues to tell Camilla about Vivian, Addison can't help thinking about the story Camilla had just brought up. It was monumental for so many reasons. All of these reasons unbeknownst to Camilla, of course. But not to Addison.

And she can't help thinking about it.

 _~ I fall behind ~_

 _It's been a world-shifting day—and it's only nine in the morning._

 _This morning, she peed on a stick and confirmed that the vomiting and nausea that had been plaguing her the past few days weren't symptoms of a stomach bug or the flu._

 _She's pregnant._

 _Apparently, she and Derek had been successful in Pennsylvania after all. And they're over-the-moon ecstatic._

 _They had planned to go into work late that morning. They had planned to take the morning off so they could bask in their good news._

 _But that wasn't how things worked out._

 _She was paged for an emergency surgery. They needed her to perform an immediate in-utero surgery on a baby with a severe congenital pulmonary airway malfunction. She's one of only a handful of surgeons who can perform the surgery so, of course, she went into work._

 _She immediately paged Karev and told him to meet her in the research room so she could fill him in on the case._

 _That's where they are now—in the research room, pouring over various scans and charts._

 _They're so engrossed in their research, neither hears Richard come in._

 _"Uh, Addison," the older man clears his throat._

 _"Richard," Addison looks up and gives the chief a slight smile._

 _"I, um, I wanted to check on the CPAM case."_

 _"Of course," Addison nods. "Karev and I will be ready shortly."_

 _"Addison," Richard narrows his eyes. "This is a high-profile case. Surgeries like this are rare. Don't you think ..." he sighs heavily when he sees Addison looking at him with feigned curiosity. He can tell she knows exactly where he's going with this. "It's just ... most people have residents or less experienced attendings observe a surgery like this."_

 _"And they can," Addison says sweetly. "From the observation gallery."_

 _"Addison," Richard chides._

 _"Richard, most residents have probably never even heard of CPAM. Karev has read Vivian's publication and we've discussed it at length. Part of my job is to think about the future of my specialty ... and Karev_ is _the future. That's why I want him in there today assisting."_

 _"Assisting?!" Richard and Karev exclaim together._

 _"Yes," Addison responds calmly, looking from one man to the other. "Assisting."_

 _"Addison, I don't know," Richard shakes his head._

 _"That's okay, Chief, you don't have to know." She winks at Alex and gives Richard her most convincing smile. "Because I'm confident enough for both of us."_

 _In the end, Richard can't say no. And Alex not only scrubs in, he assists. And he does brilliantly._

 _It's impossible not to miss the tears that are shining in mentor and mentee's eyes as they scrub out of the successful surgery together._

 _Alex had read Vivian's paper on CPAM just before she died. He had wanted to discuss the article with her and ask her questions, but he never got the chance to._

 _So he and Addison had discussed it. They honored Vivian by discussing it._

 _And this surgery was the perfect opportunity for Alex to demonstrate that he'd learned something. And he'd done so with flying colors._

 _"I'm proud of you, Karev," Addison chokes out, her voice thick with emotion. "Vivian would be proud too."_

 _"Yeah," he smiles, though there's an unmistakable hoarseness in his voice. "I like to think she would be."_

 _Upon exiting the scrub room, Addison and Alex are greeted with rounds of congratulations, handshakes, pats on the back, and colleagues who are eager to talk about the surgery they've just witnessed._

 _Addison indulges all this for a moment, but, right now, she wants nothing more than to be alone with her husband. So they escape to the solitude of his office._

 _"You were incredible in there."_

 _Addison smiles at her husband's compliment. They're sitting on the leather couch in his office, his back pressed up against the back the couch, her leaning into him, his arms around her._

 _"Karev did well," Addison smiles, though she can feel her throat starting to quiver. "Vivian would have been so proud of him."_

 _"Of both of you," Derek corrects, pressing a kiss to her temple. "She'd be proud of him, but ..." he meets her eyes, "she'd be really proud of you."_

 _"You really think so?"_

 _"I know so," Derek insists. "She'd be proud and ..." he leans in and kisses her sweetly, "so am I. Well, proud and impressed," he amends. "And maybe the slightest bit jealous that you're such a good teacher."_

 _"Derek." She's somewhere in between laughing and crying as she nudges him playfully._

 _"And," he continues, moving his hand to rest on her still-flat stomach, "I hope she's just like you."_

 _It's that small but undeniably sweet compliment that causes her to lose her battle with the tears she's been holding back so valiantly._

 _"I meant that as a good thing; you know that, right?" Derek whispers, when he notices his wife's eyes glistening, He wraps an arm around her and pulls her in closer. "I swear, I meant it as a compliment."_

 _"I know," Addison gulps "I just ... wait...?" She turns in her husband's arms and meets his eyes. "_ She _?"_

 _He shrugs and gives her a small smile. "Just a feeling."_

 _She feels her heart swell at that. They've known about the baby for less than a day—less than half-a-day, even—and Derek is already invested. He has already started thinking about their child's gender and the type of person their baby might be. She, meanwhile, still hasn't even had time to wrap her head around her pregnancy._

 _Or so she'd thought._

 _"I think you're right." The words that come out of her mouth both completely surprise her and, at the same time, feel effortless and completely right. She meets Derek's eyes and smiles. "I think it's a girl too. And ..." she continues as her hand joins her husband's on her stomach, "I hope she's like both of us."  
_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

In the end, they were one for two.

They did, indeed, have a little girl—a daughter. And while there are there times when Addison sees so much of Derek in Camilla, and days that Derek insists Camilla is a mini Addison, they both know that the person Camilla is most clearly and obviously like is Vivian.

Hudson is an undeniable mix of both his parents—a true testament to the old adage, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The feeling of her son sharply tugging at her hair rips Addison from her thoughts. And as Addison attempts to extract her long tresses from Hudson's pudgy little hands, she and Derek meet each other's eyes and smile.

He's getting to the good part of the story and Camilla is listening intently, completely enraptured by her father's words ... by her mother's past.

And Addison can't help thinking about Vivian. She'd be so proud. Of the doctor and teacher Addison has become. Of the parents she and Derek have become. But, mostly, of the people they've become.

"And I was so proud of your mom," Derek's words cut into her thoughts.

"And impressed," Addison smirks, inserting herself into the story.

"And impressed," Derek agrees.

"And a little bit jealous?" Addison quirks and eyebrow.

"Yeah," Derek concedes, wrapping a loving arm around her. "That too."

"Good," Addison chuckles, sinking into her husband's embrace. "A little healthy competition is a good thing."

And Derek smiles widely at that. If there's one thing their children know about their parents—besides the fact that they love them and each other more than anything—it's that Mommy and Daddy are equals in every way. Always have been, always will be.

"How does the story end, Daddy?" Camilla presses, tugging at her father's sleeve and ripping Derek from his thoughts.

"It doesn't end, Sweetheart," Derek says gently. And Camilla looks at him in confusion.

"But ...?"

"The surgery went well," Addison reassures their daughter. "It went very well. And everyone told me and Vivian what a great job we did."

"Oh," Camilla breathes a sigh of relief, happy to know the story does, in fact, have some type of resolution—and a happy one at that. "That's good," Camilla approves.

And Addison and Derek share a knowing smile. Camilla's still too young to understand that not all stories have endings.

In fact, the best ones often don't.

But that type of logic extends way beyond a four-year-old's level of comprehension. Addison has learned that with her children simplicity is often the best option.

And Addison can't help thinking about what Vivian use to say about simplicity—when they had an easy patient or a surgery that's went off without a hitch, for example.

 _"Don't question it."_ That's what Vivian used to say. " _There are enough challenges in life and in this career. Take pleasure in simplicity. Enjoy it."  
_  
Addison knows life can be hard. She knows her career can be hard. And sometimes balancing her life and her career feels downright impossible.

But this—snuggling with her family on the couch before bedtime—this is simple. And wonderful. And everything she's ever wanted.

She meets Derek's eyes and she knows he's thinking the same thing. Getting to where they are now wasn't simple. It was hard. It was painful. And, at times, it didn't seem possible.

And, yet, somehow, here they are—stronger than ever with two beautiful children.

So they're going to snuggle on the couch as a family a little bit longer—even though it's past the kids' bedtimes. Maybe they'll even tell them another story.

Because the simple moments deserve to be enjoyed.

And while so many of her best memories are big moments—her wedding, the birth of her children, monumental surgeries, promotions, and accolades—the smaller moments are important too. Smaller moments like countless cups of coffee ... brief kisses shared in hospital corridors, their offices, and every room of their home ... conversations about medicine, life, and love ... and operations on teddy bear patients.

And, yes, random Tuesday nights snuggled on the couch with her family ... like tonight.

 _Then you say, "Go slow."_

One day, nights like tonight will be a memory. But tonight it's not. It's her right here, right now. It's simple, and it's wonderful, and it's better than anything she ever imagined.

And, make no mistake, she's going to enjoy it.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter and this story; I so appreciate it! I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get this chapter up, but it's the last one, and I wanted to do it justice. Plus, it's always a little hard to say goodbye to a story. I can't thank you enough for sticking with this story. I loved Vivian's character on Private Practice and really enjoyed fleshing out her character and her relationship with Addison and Derek.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it!

* * *

"When we talked about this day all those years ago, this definitely wasn't what I had in mind." Alex sips at his scotch and shakes his head. "Not even close."

Derek can't help agreeing with him.

Alex received a job offer.

Starting Monday, he'll be an attending at Seattle Grace.

And to make good on his promise to Derek all those years ago, Alex offered to buy Addison and Derek scotch at Joe's.

Of course, those plans quickly morphed and after-work drinks turned into Alex having dinner at Addison and Derek's place, and Alex bringing a bottle of scotch ... and apple juice for Camilla.

"I'm not complaining," Alex adds quickly. He smiles down at eight-month-old Hudson, who he's holding in his arms at the kitchen table. "I mean, sure, I had to buy you two a _whole_ bottle of scotch instead of two glasses, but you guys cooked for—"

But he cuts himself off when Hudson makes a move for his scotch.

"Hudson, no," Addison warns.

Of course, it's too late, and Hudson sticks his little fist into Alex's full glass of scotch.

Addison looks over at Derek, who's trying not to laugh. And she glances sideways at her daughter, who's shooting her brother a look of patient disapproval—the type of outwardly calm but clearly disapproving look that Addison is fairly certain only Camilla and Vivian could pull off.

She quickly looks over at Alex, who seems amused by the whole situation.

"You've got expensive taste, Hudson," Alex laughs. "I'm not surprised. But you've got about twenty years before you can start drinking this stuff. I'll tell you what, though, when the day comes, I'll—Nope," Alex chuckles, cutting himself off when Hudson attempts to put his little scotch-soaked hand in his mouth. "You're not gonna like that," he laughs, taking Hudson's tiny hand in his and redirecting it away from his mouth.

"Sorry about that," Addison apologizes.

She rushes over to Alex and starts cleaning Hudson's little hand with a baby wipe. "Hudson," she chides, with mock seriousness, his little hand still in hers, "we don't stick our fists in other people's drinks. That's not how we treat people when they come to our house, okay?"

Hudson gurgles in response, pleased with all the attention he's getting, and Addison shakes her head at him, doing her best to remain serious.

"You're lucky Uncle Alex thinks you're cute. But trust me, Bizzy would not be impressed with a move like that."

She gives Alex an apologetic smile. "Here," she says, attempting to take the scotch glass from him, "let me get you a fresh drink."

"No, don't worry about it," Alex insists. "This glass is fine."

"Alex," she narrows her eyes, "I can almost guarantee his hand has been in his mouth. Let me get you another glass."

"Seriously, it's fine," Alex persists, taking a sip of his scotch. "See." He turns to Hudson and smiles. "Do you think a little baby drool is going to gross me out? I used to drink very cheap, very gross beer. This is nothing."

Addison shakes her head and chuckles. "You're a saint."

"And you're the only person who's ever said that to me," Alex retorts smoothly.

"Yeah, that's probably true," Addison agrees, smiling as Derek, with Camilla's help, sets a cake in front of Alex.

"This is unnecessary," Alex grins. He takes in the cake that reads _Congratulations, Alex_ in navy blue (attending blue) letters. "But thank you. Really, guys, this means a lot."

"We're happy to do this," Addison insists as she takes a squirming Hudson from Alex. She can see the mischievous glint in her son's eyes, and she has no intention of watching Alex's cake suffer the same fate as his scotch. "You deserve this, Alex."

"Thank you," Alex beams, though there's a hoarseness in his voice that the adults in the room can't help detecting.

It's that mixture of bitter and sweet that they've come to associate with these types of big life events. They're happy, of course. But not as happy as they'd be if Vivian were there celebrating with them.

"Camilla, why don't you play with your brother for a little?" Addison suggests. Things are about to get heavy, and her overly perceptive four-year-old doesn't need to be a part of this.

The little girl nods obediently; and Camilla, Addison, and a squirming Hudson make their way from the open kitchen into the adjoining living room. Addison places Hudson on the floor—making sure he's visible to her from the kitchen—and the little boy coos happily and starts crawling toward his sister.

"Let's play surgeons," Addison hears Camilla say as she rejoins Derek and Alex at the kitchen table. "I'm going to be an attending. You can be an attending too, if you want, Hudson. But you need to teach the interns, okay? You can't just bite them."

Alex raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"Camilla's teddy bears are their interns," Addison explains quickly. "And Hudson's teething."

"And because of that, Hudson's teaching methods are a little unconventional and aggressive for Camilla's taste," Derek chuckles.

Alex shakes his head in amusement. "It's a good thing Camilla is the picture of patience and professionalism then. I swear she has a better demeanor than some of our current interns." He says it lightheartedly, but there's a sadness behind his words that's impossible to miss.

It's hard not to talk about Camilla's positive attributes without thinking of Vivian.

"I miss her," Addison says sadly.

There's no need to say more or specify. Derek and Alex know exactly which _her_ she's referring to.

"I think about her almost daily," Alex admits. "But especially today."

Addison nods sympathetically. "I had a feeling that might be the case. Which is why ..." she motions to Alex and her husband. "I want you to come with me."

"What?" Alex looks at Derek in confusion. And Derek shrugs in response.

"It's dark now, so it'll be perfect," Addison continues cryptically as she makes her way into the living room to get her children, Derek and Alex trailing behind her.

"Hudson…" they hear Camilla sigh.

Of course, the adults immediately look over at Hudson, and they can't help laughing. Derek's mini-me is sitting on the floor, biting at one of Camilla's teddy bears and looking pleased with himself.

"I said _teach_ the interns, not _eat_ the interns."

Addison does her best to stifle a laugh at what she can only describe as her children's distinct personalities in a nutshell.

"Why don't we take a break from teaching and eating interns?" she suggests, bending down so she's at her daughter's level. She extends a small pair of Burberry sandals. "Let's go outside for a few minutes."

"Okay," Camilla shrugs.

She helps Camilla put on her shoes and Derek puts Hudson's little sneakers on him.

"Uncle Alex, where are we going?" Camilla asks in confusion, reaching up to clutch his hand.

"I don't know," Alex admits as Addison leads them through the French doors that lead out to their pool and backyard.

Derek swallows roughly when he sees the sight in front of them. Five illuminated sky lanterns are tied to the leg of a poolside chaise lounge chair, and are gleaming as they sway gently in the darkening sky.

Camilla turns to Alex questioningly, and Alex shrugs in response.

Camilla may not know what's going on and Alex may not know what's going on, but Derek knows exactly what's going on. He meets his wife's eyes and offers her a small smile, touched by the gesture, which right now only they understand.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Not even close. Still, he remembers the first time.

 _~ I fall behind ~  
_

 _He can't find his wife anywhere._

 _It's Camilla's first birthday, and their house is filled with family and friends—and Addison is nowhere to be found._

 _She had been the perfect hostess … until she wasn't. Shortly after everyone sang Happy Birthday to Camilla, Addison disappeared._

 _And he's searching everywhere for her. Discretely, of course. No one needs to know he doesn't know where his wife is._

 _"Addison?" he calls out, opening the French doors leading out to their pool and backyard. "Ad—"_

 _But he cuts himself off when he sees his wife standing out there, poolside, holding a pink helium balloon that he easily recognizes from Camilla's party decorations._

 _"Addison, what are you—"_

 _But she's quicker._

 _"Who's watching Camilla?"_

 _"My sisters." He turns to his wife and takes in her wistful expression. "What are you doing?"_

 _"Nothing."_

 _"Addison," he chides delicately. He knows his wife well enough to know she's not doing nothing. "Come on, you can tell me."_

 _"I'm celebrating," she says quietly. "Or at least I was planning to."_

 _Derek looks at his wife in confusion. He's not following._

 _"Today's a big day," Addison sighs. "Today's our daughter's first birthday. And I was trying to find some way to make Vivian a part of it. So I ..." She gestures towards the sky._

 _And he gets it. She's planning on releasing the pink balloon into the sky so Vivian doesn't miss out on the festivities._

 _"I don't know if I even believe in heaven," Addison admits self-consciously, "but ..."_

 _"It's a really good idea, Addison." He swallows thickly. "I really like it."_

 _"I just ..." she studies her manicured fingernails. "She deserves to be included."_

Deserves—present tense. _"I want her to be included."_

 _"Me too," he says softly, wrapping a comforting arm around her waist._

 _She looks at him hesitantly and he gives her a reassuring nod._

 _"Today's Camilla's first birthday," Addison begins quietly, directing her words towards the sky. "She's wearing a little white dress and is basking in all the attention she's getting from her aunts and cousins. But ... we wish you were here to see her and celebrate with her. We wish you could have seen the way she ate her smash cake," Addison continues, somewhere in between laughing and crying. "She didn't stick her fist in it. She inspected it with ... surgical precision." Addison swallows roughly, and Derek wraps his arm around her more securely. "She's really the best baby ever, and Derek and I feel so lucky that she's ours. We, uh, I don't think we could have gotten to where we are today without you, so I wanted Camilla's first birthday to be as much your celebration as it is ours."_

 _She stifles a sob and releases the pink balloon into the air. And Addison and Derek stand there mesmerized, watching the balloon get smaller and smaller as it recedes into the sky._

 _"It wouldn't be a celebration without you, Vivian," Derek murmurs, his eyes transfixed on the receding balloon, and Addison nods in agreement. "Happy First Birthday, Camilla."  
_

 _~ The second hand unwinds ~_

They do this every year without fail—release a pink balloon into the sky for Camilla's birthday. Actually, they release two. One for Vivian and one for his dad.

And in a few months, they'll release more balloons for Hudson's first birthday. It's an unspoken agreement between him and Addison and it's something he's fully expecting.

Tonight's flying lanterns, though, are a surprise to him. But they're perfect—just like the balloons. And moments like this are one of the million reasons he loves his wife.

"What are these?" Camilla asks, gesturing to the glowing lanterns tied to the chaise lounge.

"They're flying lanterns," Addison explains, kneeling down so she's at Camilla's eye level. "We're going to release them into the sky and they're going to float away."

"Why?" Camilla looks at her mother warily.

"Today's an important day for Uncle Alex," Addison continues. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Camilla nods. "He's an attending now."

"Exactly," Addison smiles. "And that's why we're having a party for him tonight. But ..." she swallows thickly as she tries to come up with a way to explain things to her daughter in a way she'll understand. "Even though we're really happy for Uncle Alex, we're sad Vivian isn't here to celebrate with us ... because she'd be so proud of Uncle Alex too. So, we're releasing the lanterns into the sky so Vivian knows we're thinking about her and so she can celebrate too."

"In heaven?"

"Uh," Addison bites her lower lip, stalling for time. "Yeah, Sweetheart."

Truth be told, Addison doesn't know if she believes in heaven. But she finds herself releasing balloons and lanterns into the sky on special occasions ... so maybe she does.

She turns her focus back to her daughter who's busy processing everything she just said. And then Camilla starts making her way over to the lanterns tied to the chaise lounge.

"Can I ...?" She turns to look back at her mother.

"Yeah," Addison nods. "You can go first."

Derek unties one of the lanterns and hands it to Camilla. And Addison can't help the tears that spring to her eyes as Camilla blows a kiss into sky and releases the lantern.

Alex looks at Addison appreciatively. "Thanks for doing this." He unties a lantern and pauses for a moment, his gaze fixed toward the heavens. "I wouldn't have gotten here if it weren't for you. So, thank you. And I'm going to do everything I can not to let you down. And ..." he swallows, "I only hope I'm half the surgeon you were and … half the teacher you didn't have to be to me."

He releases the balloon into the air. "Thank you," he chokes out again, his eyes still fixed upward. "Thank you for setting the bar so high."

He stands there, frozen in place, his eyes focused on the receding balloon. Camilla notices and compassion colors the little girl's face as she walks over to her uncle—to grieve with him, to celebrate with him … to be with him. And the two of them stand there together, just staring up at the sky, until Camilla wraps her little arms around Alex's legs—a gesture that provides him more comfort than she'll probably ever realize.

Addison unties a third lantern, and holds it out to Hudson, who she's holding in her arms. "Do you want to release a lantern?" she asks, even though she knows Hudson doesn't understand what she's saying.

He reaches out for the lantern, and Addison places the string attached to the lantern in his little hand and closes his fist around it. He immediately unclenches his tiny fist, and starts sobbing as the lantern flies away.

"It's okay, Hudson," Addison reassures, pressing a kiss to her son's little cheek. "It's okay to be sad."

Technically, she knows Hudson is crying because he wants the lantern back, but right now that's not important. When he's older and able to understand, he will be sad about Vivian. And that's what matters.

"It's okay, Buddy," Derek echoes, joining Addison and rubbing Hudson's tiny back comfortingly.

Addison doesn't know when Derek untied a fourth lantern, but he's standing there with a glowing lantern in his hand, staring up at the sky.

"We drank scotch today," he begins quietly. "Just like you and I did all those years ago when I accepted my first attending position." He twirls the string of the lantern carefully between his fingers. "I wish you could be here with us. But, uh ... I want you to know the future of your profession is in very good, very capable hands."

He releases the lantern and watches it for a moment before turning his attention to his wife and their son. Hudson is reaching his little hands toward the sky as if trying to catch the lantern, and Addison is holding Hudson closely, her eyes fixed upward.

"Here, let me take him," Derek offers, placing a gentle hand on his wife's arm. "Addie…?" Derek tries again when she meets his offer with silence, her gaze still focused on the night sky.

"Addison…?"

She finally turns to him, unshed tears brimming in her blue-green eyes. And as she meets her husband's eyes, they exchange a look—one of those wordless looks that communicates nothing and everything all at once.

Because she finds herself nodding and handing Derek their eight-month-old so she can retrieve the final lantern.

She walks over to it slowly, unsure of what she's going to say. Most days, she considers herself an eloquent speaker, but it's hard to find the words for something like this.

She doesn't remember untying the lantern, but apparently she did because she's standing poolside, surrounded by the people she loves most, gripping the lantern string.

"You were never one to brag," Addison begins quietly, her eyes turned upward. "That was never your style. But, tonight, I hope you're bragging. And I hope you're celebrating. Because we are. So you should be too. You're still so present in everything we do. You're the first person we think of when we have an hard surgery or a disrespectful intern. And I know you'll continue to be present in everything we go on to do. So tonight, I hope you're bragging and I hope you're celebrating because … tonight's celebration is as much yours as it is ours."

She lets go the lantern and watches as it gets smaller and smaller—a twinkling light in the night sky, blurred by her unshed tears.

"Mommy?"

She blinks in surprise, causing the tears that were pooling in her eyes to slide down her cheeks.

"Mommy, why did you say you think about Vivian when you have a hard surgery or a ... uh ...?"

"A tough intern," Addison supplies.

"Yeah," Camilla nods. "Why did you say that? Why do you think about Vivian."

"Because," Addison explains, smiling through her tears as she crouches down to Camilla's level. "Because Vivian would know what to do. She always knew what to do when things were hard. And I like to think that thinking about her and what she would do will help me do the right thing."

"Oh," Camilla nods in understanding, clearly satisfied with her mother's answer.

 _If you're lost you can look and you will find me_

"Knowing Vivian has made me better," Addison continues, pressing a kiss to her daughter's cheek. "And that's why I think of her when things get hard or I don't know what to do."

Camilla nods, and Addison can tell her daughter is mulling her words over. Admittedly, Camilla understands a lot for a four-year-old, and she'll be able to draw some meaning out of this. But only Addison—and maybe Derek—will understand just how deeply Vivian touched her life.

Vivian made her better. A better doctor, a better teacher, a better mother … a better person.

"Mommy?"

Addison looks at her daughter in surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Maybe I'll tell Hudson to think about what Vivian would do the next time he tries to bite one of our patients," Camilla says seriously.

Addison and Derek exchange a smile at that, and Addison has to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing.

"Yeah," she says, stifling a chuckle and pulling her daughter into a hug, "it's worth a shot."

xxxxx

It's late. Alex left hours ago, and the kids are upstairs, fast asleep. Which leaves Addison and Derek, alone together, sprawled out on their living room couch, her head resting on his chest.

"I'm glad you did that," Derek whispers as he runs a hand through his wife's long hair. "I'm glad we released the lanterns," he clarifies when Addison looks at him questioningly. "And I'm glad you got the kids and Karev involved."

"I wanted Vivian to be part of this," Addison admits quietly.

"I know," Derek nods. He moves his hand from Addison's hair and begins tracing lazy patterns on the soft pajama shirt covering her ribs. "She'd be so proud."

"Yeah."

"And not just of Karev, Addie."

Addison nods mutely.

She knows Vivian would be proud. Because she, herself, is proud. And not just of Karev.

She's proud of what she's done professionally, and she's even more proud of what she comes home to every night when the workday ends.

Because there was a time when none of this seemed imaginable. She and Derek were headed straight for divorce and Camilla and Hudson were nothing but pipe dreams.

She turns in her husband's arms and kisses him softly. And he smiles.

"What was that for?"

She shrugs. In all honesty, it's for so many things. It's for understanding what tonight meant to her. And, more broadly, for understanding her. It's for their family—their two beautiful children, sleeping upstairs. But mostly, it's because he's him, she's her ... and they're together.

"It's for everything," she answers hoarsely, her throat thick with emotion.

She sees the flicker in his eyes and she knows he gets it. There's no need to explain more.

And then he's leaning in and molding his lips to hers, kissing her deeply.

"I love you," he whispers when they finally break apart. And she kisses him in response.

It's kind of fitting that tonight—a monumental night by all accounts—is ending so quietly, so intimately.

She knows she'll remember tonight for the rest of her life. She'll remember releasing the lanterns so Vivian could be part of their celebration. She'll remember how touched Karev was. She'll remember Camilla blowing a kiss towards the heavens as she released her lantern. And she'll remember little Hudson getting in on the action and releasing a lantern as well.

She'll remember that forever.

But she'll also remember this. Right here and right now.

She'll remember how when all the excitement settled—when Alex went home and the kids went to sleep—it was her and Derek.

Addison-and-Derek.

It's her and Derek—by each other's side. The way it's been so many times in the past. And the way it will continue to be … every day until eternity and time after time.

 _xxx_


End file.
